Abandoned and naked with only a schnauzer for solace

A letter by a follower from Slidell, Louisiana, reminded me of the following true story.

In 1983, I got a pilot’s license and bought an airplane because I felt hemmed-in by the provincialism of southern Mississippi, and thought that flying would broaden my social and intellectual horizons while expanding my spatial ones. This did not prove to be the case because of the slow cruising speed of my plane (85 mph) and the influence of Mississippi’s frequent thunderstorms. Even so, Peggy and I took trips to Arkansas, Florida, Louisiana, and Texas. We had two engine failures and one electrical fire along the way, but I’ll save those stories for another time.

Ever on the lookout for stimulating places to visit, I read about a nudist camp called Indian Hills (an odd name in an area in which the highest peaks are I-12 overpasses) near Slidell, I proposed to Peggy that we fly down. When she expressed somewhat less than zero interest in going, I went by myself. I had imagined that nudists would be of a liberal and educated bent, but this was not the case. I had hardly been there an hour before a large, drunk, and completely naked redneck challenged me to a fight. His wrath had erupted when I said something about him being gay based upon my observation that he was wearing a single earring.

He vociferously informed me that merchant seaman—of which he was one—also wore single earrings, but in the opposite ear to that favored by gay men, a group that he held in extremely low esteem. I apologized profusely, not because I felt badly about my error, but because I would have apologized profusely no matter what I had said. For example, if I had called him a human, and he had preferred to think of himself as a three-toed frog from Mars, I would have apologized just as profusely. Maybe I'm vain, but if I’m to be beaten to death, I want it to be over something that matters.

I stayed the night, and flew home the next day with no plans for another trip. Several months later, I was telling my friend Woozy Toosh (not his real name believe it or not) about the camp. I had known Woozy Toosh for much of my life, and was well aware that he was an excessively timid person, so I was surprised when he asked me to go there with him. I said I would be glad to, and we agreed to take his car. He made me vow secrecy about the trip because he worried that he would lose his job as a school guidance counselor and that his fundamentalist Christian wife would leave him. These were realistic fears.

Woozy Toosh, my little dog Wendy, and I drove down one August afternoon and stayed in a Slidell motel before going to the nudist camp the next morning. I was a little—but not a lot—surprised that night when he brought up the possibility of him and me having sex. I politely declined.

The next morning, Woozy Toosh, Wendy (you can tell from her haunted eyes that she had seen things a dog was never meant to see), and I drove to the camp. He was reluctant to take his clothes off (he had mostly wanted to see other men without their clothes), and he asked me if it was strictly necessary. I said I didn’t think so, but that he might feel even more awkward if he kept them on.

Woozy Toosh finally did undress, but he used a newspaper to cover his privates as he made a beeline for a chaise lounge. I thought he looked like Inspector Clouseau who found himself in similar circumstances in one of the Pink Panther movies, but I didn’t say anything. After we had sat down, he lost no time in covering himself from mid-thigh to mid-waist with the same newspaper. Only then did I notice that it was in reality a National Enquirer. I could tolerate homosexuality, but learning that I had a friend who read the Enquirer was a bit much.

After an awkward half hour, Woozy Toosh asked if I was ready to go home. I had anticipated such an outcome before we left, and had exacted his promise that we would stay at least six hours. By the time another half hour passed, he had asked me twice more. When I became testy, he developed the sudden urge to spend the day window-shopping at the Slidell Mall. We agreed that he would pick me up around 3:00, and he left with my clothes in his car.

Just before Woozy Toosh was to return, two men got into a fight near the entrance to the camp, and the police were called. I worried that when Woozy Toosh saw them, he would think it was a raid, and not slow down until he was across the state line. Just in case this should happen, I thought it behooved me to make alternate plans for my return home. Okay, I thought, it’s a two-hour drive, and I’m butt naked with no clothes, no friends, and no money. Of course, I did have a schnauzer, but she hardly seemed like an asset. All I could think to do with her was to hold her over my privates while I hitchhiked, but that didn’t seem like really workable solution, even after dark. Besides, Woozy Toosh had left his National Enquirer in the changing room, and if worse came to worse, I figured I could take some string and improvise a skirt.

3:00 was long gone before the cops looked like they might even be thinking about the possibility of starting to think about leaving. It was my firm belief that they were actually a great deal more interested in looking at the women they weren’t arresting than in the men they were. In fact, they didn’t appear to be making much headway in arresting anyone. Their tardiness gave me a great deal more time to come up with a workable plan, but none was forthcoming. I could have called Peggy, of course, but she would have regarded the trip as an imposition and have undertaken it primarily for the dog.

Woozy Toosh returned a half hour after the cops left. I have never at any time wished that the trip had ended otherwise even if it would have made a better story.

51 comments:

Strayer said...

That's a funny story, Snow! Good one!

patsy said...

oh my, what if whoozy hadn't understood that no means no.

Michelle said...

Hilarious Snow!

Woozy Toosh...I love it :)

Snowbrush said...

Strayer "That's a funny story, Snow!"

Thanks, Strayer.

Patsy "what if whoozy hadn't understood that no means no."

In the motel? Being stronger, I would have successfully resisted his advances. I did that once with another man. We were in the woods at the time, and the same little schnauzer became upset and ran off with the man's glasses. We never found them. I remained his friend. He later killed himself. I still miss him.

Michelle "Hilarious Snow!"

Thank you, Michelle.

patsy said...

Hay that dog was man's best friend.
as for michelle Obama huging the queen, I don't know how you missed that, it was all over the news for a day, The media was worried about her touching the queen but I thought why worry? we whipped the Brits once we can do it again! whats one more little war any way?

All Consuming said...

The picture of you and the plane reminded me instantly of a character in a book I love by Richard Bach, 'Illusions-The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah'. As you have a shed load of books to pile through I shan’t recommend it just now, but for future reference I think you’d enjoy it.

‘Of course, I did have a schnauzer, but it hardly seemed like an asset. All I could think to do with her was to hold her over my privates while I hitchhiked, but that didn’t seem like really workable solution, even after dark.’ – hahahaha

I very much admire how laid back you are, especially in the face of humongous naked irate rednecks, though The National Enquirer is indeed enough test the most easy going of us.

Renee said...

You have lived such a full and interesting life.

I have to tell you I almost choked and totally did not expect him coming on to you. That totally surprised me.

So funny and a great story.

Love Renee xoxoo

Lisa said...

fancy being hit upon by a man named woosy toosh- that is hilarious for sure and next to Michelle's drawings of me, has made my day xx

ps I still am here- quiet, but here xx

Sonia ;) said...

LOL...I so enjoy your stories of past. Whatever happened to Woozy Toosh?

Smiles,
Sonia ;)

Snowbrush said...

Patsy "Hay that dog was man's best friend."

Yes, I had her 17 years, and her life was an endless adventure--as was mine back then.

Renee "I have to tell you I almost choked and totally did not expect him coming on to you."

He knew me to be a tolerant person who would be more intrigued than repulsed by his closet-homosexuality.

Lisa "ps I still am here- quiet, but here x"

Quiet is good, I hope, or at least not bad. I know this is a challenging time for you.

Sonia "Whatever happened to Woozy Toosh?"

We wrote after I moved to Oregon, and I visited him once, but he eventually let the correspondence lapse, so I don't even know if he is still alive. His wife was not a woman who would have long tolerated his friendship with me if she had known much about me, so that put a damper on things.

Snowbrush said...

I missed someone. It's early, and I'm only awake because I was in too much pain to sleep, so please bear with me.

Hey, All Con, my friend who is enjoying her latest prescription, I'm a child of the fifties, a teenager of the sixties, and a young adult of the seventies, so I have read Illusions. You kind of had to back then, that and the writings of Rod MuKuen, Richard Brautigan, and Ram Das. What's the word for it? De rigueur?

Marion said...

OMG, Snow-baby, you deserve the FUNNIEST blog post EVER for this one. I'm still hiccuping from laughing so hard that I'm wiping tears away. My husband walked by and gave me one of those "she's really lost it this time" looks. The name you chose was knee-slapping hilarious. We used to live in Slidell and I know of that 'camp' although I never visited it. I hear there's one near Beaumont, TX if you get the itch again. Tee-Hee. Take the exit off I-10 at Winnie, TX, turn left and when the road ends at the Gulf of Mexico, turn right even though there's a road block there. I do a guy's taxes and he gave me this information as he'd been there.

THANK YOU for sharing this. It's a jewel and I doubt I'll laugh this much again in a long time. You da man!

PS: How's that shoulder?

Betsy from Tennessee said...

Hilarious, Snow.... I can just see the expression on your face when Woozy wanted something more FROM you!!!! But--I am glad that his principal didn't catch him at the nudist colony. (I'm surprised the principal wasn't there!!! ha)

I can just see Inspector Clouseau.. Perfect way to describe your friend, Woozy.

You have had an interesting life to say the least. My brother used to own and fly a Piper Cub many years ago. I got to go up with him a few times.

I know I don't need to ask this but how does life compare in Oregon when compared to good ole' Mississippi????? ha ha

Betsy

KC said...

I loved this story of true adventure. It made me laugh.

No wonder you like Rusty's ears, they are just like Wendy's. We think Rusty is a Schnauzer mix.

Believe it or not we had a nude beach on the Great Salt Lake for some time. The locals called it "Bare Bum Beach"!

Carol said...

That was too funny!!! You certainly have a way with words :-)

C x

Betty said...

Oh, my, that was funny! I found your blog via Patsy at "My Life and Times", and I'm so glad I did. I look forward to more funny and/or thought provoking blogs from you.

Bella said...

Hilarious! Esp. the line about really having a darn good reason to get beat up! Thanks for the laughs! Hope you are having a nice weekend.

b said...

This is just hilarious...I will be sharing this with someone!

As for the motel and the advance all I could think was how does a Fundamentalist Christian broach the subject?

"Isn't that Darwin just a hoot...I mean evolution is just wrong according to the bible. Oh by the way do you want to have sex with me?"

Snicker. Good story. Thank you.

b

CreekHiker said...

This is hilarious and, because I grew up in that area, I want to know more... Who knew there were nudist camps in the deep south???

Hilary said...

Very amusing tale. Your use of "Woozy Toosh" is like something out of All Creatures Great and Small. Thanks for sharing this snippet of your life. :)

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Great story - you had me laughing!
Thanks for visiting my blog - thought I'd return the favour and am glad that I did.

Margaret Pangert said...

That was hysterical! you're a great storyteller! I can't wait to read more. The story seemed very real to me because I'm originally from Cottonwood (between Redding and Red Bluff), California and attended Chico State where these little issues seemed to come up from time to time. I remember everyone going skinny-dippping in the Feather River . . and watch out for locals! Are you anywhere near Brookings? I had the most wonderful vacation there a couple of years ago. Well, keep the fascinating stories coming, Snow!

CreekHiker said...

Indian Hills is alive and well and has a website! Several camps for sale as well!

Chrisy said...

You've been open to some great adventures Snow and love your recall of all the little details...

JOE TODD said...

You sure have some interesting stories. I have my pilots license but haven't flown for about 15 years.Didn't own my own plane and never got into any real trouble. Did have to recover from a spin once. And, yesterday (solstice) was "Hike naked day" Maybe when I was younger but not today

pink dogwood said...

absolutely hilarious (thought might not have been for you at that time) - truly enjoyed reading it :)

Lisa said...

I like it when people use the word "vociferously" for seome reason. It's such a good word.

Excellent story. You've had quite an interesting life. And oh wow, you are standing next to da plane almost exactly as you are in your profile photo! Looking gorgeous as usual, but you already knew that. Have a wonderful evening.

Lisa

Sandi said...

There's a nudist camp around here? Do the Baptists know about this?

C Woods said...

Amusing story. Lucky Peggy was so accepting of your desire to visit a nudist camp. I have a friend who went to one once and then got kind of addicted to it. His wife left him. Also lucky you didn't have to call her. I know quite a few wives who would have refused to pick up their husbands in such circumstances.

Matawheeze said...

Someday I might write about MY nudist camp experience... The one where I tried to walk on water. Very nearly managed it too!

Snowbrush said...

Marion "How's that shoulder?"

First, thank you for your kind words. Second, I spent the last three nights sleeping in bed, instead of a chair, for the first time since March, although I had to take narcotics, sleeping pills, and trade out ice packs every few hours to do it. The doc says I might have to have the joint replaced--and there's still the other shoulder, the one that hasn't been operated on; it is a mirror image of the one that has prior to it surgery. I've had hard times with my shoulders for three years now, and there are a lot more to come, but I'm hanging in there about as well as might be expected.

Betsy "I know I don't need to ask this but how does life compare in Oregon when compared to good ole' Mississippi?????"

It's the difference between 97 degrees and 67 degrees. We had to turn our furnace back on a few nights ago.

KC "Believe it or not we had a nude beach on the Great Salt Lake for some time."

I can just picture you and your schnauzer lying out in the desert sun....What? You don't WANT me to picture you doing that? Why, I think you're blushing.

Carol, Betty, and Bella, thank you all. Yep, Betty, I'm thought provoking okay. People get provoked regularly by my thoughts, but mostly over trivial subjects like sex, politics, and religion.

B "As for the motel and the advance all I could think was how does a Fundamentalist Christian broach the subject?"

Well, if he hadn't been a small town fundamentalist maybe he could have been open about his identity, and had a chance at living with a man he loved rather than a woman he feared. Then again, he could have caught AIDS and died.

Creekhiker "Who knew there were nudist camps in the deep south??? Several camps for sale as well!"

Beats Alaska, I suppose. Ha. Hey, everyone who liked this blog entry could go together and buy one with me, and I could run it.

Thank you, Chrisy and Pink.

Joe, you too were a pilot! How did you get into your spin? I got into mine while practicing approach stalls solo against my instructor's explicit directions. I was literally spiraling toward the ground while trying to remember what my textbook had said to do.

Lisa "Looking gorgeous as usual, but you already knew that."

I have to admit though that my mother was right about the hair looking pretty stupid.

Sandi "There's a nudist camp around here? Do the Baptists know about this?"

No. The Catholics are too embarrassed to say anything. You won't tell them, will you?

Thanks, Hilary. Thanks, MOB. MOB, my wife has been having hot flashes for years now, and they're miserable to even look at. She doesn't even have to ask me to go get the fan because when she suddenly--and frequently--turns beet-red, I just naturally do it.

Margaret "re you anywhere near Brookings?"

No, I'm in that Berkeley of the North, Eugene.

C Woods "Lucky Peggy was so accepting of your desire to visit a nudist camp."

I put her through a lot worse than that, and I'll be writing about some of it eventually.

Matawheeze, I hope you will share your experience.

nollyposh said...

That was HILARIUS! (Nearly fell off ma chair!) YOU are such an adventurer Snowbrush... LOL! X:-) Woozy Toosh! *Giggle*

Lille Diane said...

Oh, Snow...I so needed a deep laugh. I think I was at that camp.... oh wait it was near Ojai, CA. Musta been some other guy wearing a skirt out of the N.E. waiting near the gate. You are a wizard with words and can paint a picture that takes us places... oh baby and you took us on a deee-licious adventure this time Snow.

I cannot wait for your book to reach the masses. I'd stand in line longer than you waited for Woozy to get an signed copy. That's for sure.

rhymeswithplague said...

Well, I feel I should say something, but I have no idea what, so I'll confine myself to:

rhymeswithplague was here

Pat - Arkansas said...

You've had some interesting experiences, Snowbrush.:) Woozy Toosh is a creative, and appropriate, pseudonymn for your friend. I very much enjoyed your comment about the National Enquirer, and the entire post.

Reasons to be Cheerful 1,2,3 said...

What a fabulous, funny story! I could see these scenes in a movie, I really could. Well told Snow, thanks for brightening my day!

Diana said...

Hello Mr. Snowbrush, I came across your blog through Pat-Arkansas's blog. Your writing is very entertaining. I enjoyed reading a few of your posts. I will stop by for a visit again soon.

Teresa said...

Hi Snowbrush, I came accross your blog through Diana, and I too enjoyed reading your blog about the nudist camp, and your search for a deeper meaning of life. You seem like a person, who will try anything, to keep life interesting, and I think that is a pretty good quality, but it must get you into trouble at times, I am positive you have had some pretty close calls! I also think you are a great story teller. By the way, why did you want to go to a nudist camp?

Ribbon said...

It's all been said before me...
what can I add?

... lovely long post :-)

best wishes
Ribbon

Renee said...

Just wanted to come and ask how you are feeling? Have you found the right mix of meds yet that are working for you.

Thinking of you.

Love Renee xoxo

Snowbrush said...

My dear Nollyposh, I'm so glad you were able to retain your seat!

And Lille Diane!!! It's you!!! I was concerned that I had lost you over the blog peeves post, and I was overjoyed to find that you were here.

Please note that Rhymes is speechless. It it does happen, believe it or not.

Pat, I think you are the first person to mention the Enquirer reference. When I wrote that that was harder for me to accept than his homosexuality, I was serious, but then I really didn't care one way or the other about his sexual orientation.

Reasons, it would be an interesting movie since so much would have to be covered up--unless, of course, it was one of THOSE movies.

Diana "Hello Mr. Snowbrush..."

And hello Ms Diana, all the way down there in southern Illinois. I'm so glad you are here.

Yes, Teresa, I have had some close calls, although I have never been what you might call an adrenaline junkie. Instead, I have sought knowledge, intimacy, and pleasure.
Like you and Diana, I love the Bible, and write about it passionately from time to time. Yet, I am not a Christian.

Ribbon "It's all been said before me...
what can I add?"

Uh, I can think of something. "I enjoy your writing so much that I am mailing you a check for a million dollars. If there is anything I can do for you, please don't hesitate to let me know."

Gaston Studio said...

LMAO!! One of your absolute bestest Snow!

Jane

Snowbrush said...

Renee "Just wanted to come and ask how you are feeling? Have you found the right mix of meds yet that are working for you?"

Last night, it was Restoril and Dilaudid. The night before that Ambien and Vicodin. (What I take depends upon how bad I hurt.) Every night, I get up and get a new ice pack every two to four hours.

I have spent the last four nights sleeping in bed, instead of a chair, for the first time since March. The doc says I might have to have the joint replaced in the shoulder that was operated on in March--and there's still the other side to be done.

I've had hard times with my shoulders for three years now, and there are a lot more to come, but I'm hanging in there about as well as might be expected. I have literally gotten used to being in pain all the time.

kj said...

snowbrush, your writing is so easy to read. but the funniest parts are how matter of fact you are about outrageous events! i see you as an adventuresome yet practical man, so i'm giving you an eye squint about leting mr. woozy toosh drive away with your clothes.

as for his coming on to you, i'm not surprised if only because of the speed he asked to go to the nudist camp.

and finally, how come his wife would not have approved of you?

xo
kj

Walt said...

Snow, what a great story, while reading my mind was also visualizing it.Very funny. I think this would make a great pilot for some new comedy sitcom.

Lille Diane said...

Oh you can't get rid of me that easy, Snow. ;-) I come here to get away from things, and enjoy a cup of jo while I read your posts. You have simply said what many would like to say or talk about. That's why we adore you.

Arkansas Patti said...

Very, very funny. Great post

Snowbrush said...

KJ "how come his wife would not have approved of you?"

I was not religious; I was more liberal than conservative; I was devoted to the pursuit of alternative lifestyles; I had an irreverent sense of humor. I could think of more, but you get the picture.

Walt "I think this would make a great pilot for some new comedy sitcom."

I'm in awe of the people who wrote the good ones, but I quail before the mere thought of it.

Lille Diane "we adore you."

Aw, shucks, Ma'am, I'll bet you say that to all the boys.

Arky Pat "Very, very funny."

Thanks, Patti.

Christine Orchanian Adler said...

Great story, Snowbrush. I was laughing all the way through it, and have to admit that I suspected Woozy Toosh was a repressed homosexual as soon as you wrote how excessively timid he was. The school guidance counselor and fundamentalist Christian wife made him seem like a movie character--so textbook. I hope things worked out for him in the end. No pun intended.

soulbrush said...

ROFLOL, this is hysterical and that dog;s face is just the best! this writing will be your saviour, but how do manage to type or sit at a computer for long periods with such pain???

Snowbrush said...

Christine "I hope things worked out for him in the end."

I have no thought that anything ever changed short of someone dying. Maybe someday, I'll look him up.

Soulbrush "how do manage to type or sit at a computer for long periods with such pain???"

Sitting has never been a problem. One of the few things I COULD do (with my right arm) after surgery was to type. Lying down is the worst position for a bad shoulder, which is why people with bad shoulders tend to sleep in recliners. At one point last fall, I couldn't even hold my arms to my sides when I walked. First, I put them in my pockets. Then, I kept them crossed. Finally, I gripped my shoulders with my hands (right hand atop left shoulder, etc.). Even that was painful, but it did stabilize my shoulders sufficiently for me to bear the pain. That was a hard time, but I did