Aussie women do it like dingoes


The following is a quote I included in my last post regarding my sorry situation. Following it are questions from my readers, which I have ever so thoughtfully answered.

“At an advanced stage of the illness, all patients develop significant psychiatric problems and narcotic dependency, and are left completely incapacitated. Some commit suicide.”

Reader one wants to know: Which of these things are you looking forward to most?

My response: I’ve always heard that there are no dumb questions, but you’re skirting the cliff edge. You might as well ask kids at a birthday party to choose between cake and ice cream.

Reader two asks: How will we be able to tell when you develop psychiatric problems—you already act pretty weird?

My response: If you’re normal, and you go crazy, people can tell it pretty easily. If you’re crazy and you go crazy, the two crazies cancel one another out, and you become normal. But, if you add another crazy to the two you already have, you’re back to where you started.

Reader three is wondering: It says you become a druggie, and then you become completely incapacitated. Do the drugs make you incapacitated, or does the pain make you incapacitated?

My response: The pain makes you roll around on the floor and scream a lot. The drugs knock you on your bum so that you don’t move or make a sound. Either way, you’re not going to be out training for the Olympics.

Reader four: Are you going to commit suicide now or wait a few days?

I’m not going to do it for quite some time. Instead of focusing on how much I hurt, I’m going to focus on booze, cigars, dark chocolate, and cream-filled donuts—all at the same time. I’ve indulged in these things all too little, and I’ll be making up for lost time.

Reader one again: Do you think you’ll die recanting your infidelity and begging Jesus to forgive you like most stupid atheists?

I don’t think so unless I’m running a really high fever on a really hot day, and the air conditioner breaks. In such a situation, I might think my feet are hanging over “the lake of fire that burns forever and ever,” and start recanting. Of course, if I come to my senses in the midst of recanting, I would naturally have to de-recant. Then if I became delirious all over again, I would probably re-de-recant. By the time I finally died, even Jesus wouldn’t know where I was supposed to end up.

Reader five: Have you heard the rumors that having sex with a different woman everyday for only a month (six at most) will bring about a complete remission?

Yes, I started them. Women are forever telling me how much they want to help and how badly they feel because they can’t help, so this was my way of cheering them up. Then I remembered my lesbian and male friends, so I started another rumor to the effect that large gifts of money would cause a remission. So far, I haven’t gotten my first screw or my first dollar, and I’m starting to think that my friends didn’t really mean what they said. I’m really bummed about this, especially in the case of Australian women who are said to screw like dingoes. I’ve seen dingoes screw, and they’re even more athletic than Arctic Foxes (Canucks) or coyotes (Yanks). Of course, given my condition, maybe an old and arthritic daschund would be about all I could safely handle.

Reader six: Do you think that maybe the woman who wrote that thing at the top of the page was maybe just funning people—like for a really bad April Fool’s joke or something?

Well, you never know. I always thought World War II was an April Fool’s joke that went a little overboard, so it’s certainly possible.

Reader two again: Have you considered giving up your constant bitching and whining, and trying to be an inspiration and a role model to other sufferers and to the world at large?

I hadn’t thought about it—is there money to be made for that sort of thing, or a Nobel Prize even? Since it would be hard for me to work at an ordinary job, being brave for money might be a great career move. I could even be on reality TV, where I would grimace a lot so people would know I was in horrible pain, but then I would smile through the grimace so they would know I was bearing up bravely. I could also say soul-wrenching things like:

“Take it from one who is dying, one who’s only remaining dream is that you might learn from my misery and suffering so that you will be better able to enjoy the kind of rich and rewarding life that I’m getting screwed out of for no good reason. So, my friends, here are today’s words to live by: Don’t forget to turn the compost every few weeks if you think of it, and be sure to give the dog extra water on hot days unless you’re too busy getting drunk. That’s all for today, but I’ll be back tomorrow, if I’m still alive. Until then, keep remembering that you’ve got youth, health, looks, and money, and all I’ve got is old age and misery, so I hope you’re awfully, awfully, awfully happy.”

36 comments:

Natalie said...

I have noticed on two different occasions that when I was prescribed Flagyl for a gum infection, my sore joints went away. I have recently been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I don't really know why I am telling you this, as I am probably way off base, but I also had a very vivid dream /vision to that effect. I was so adamant about this the last time I went to the DRs, that he prescribed me antibiotics again. Once again, the pain disappeared for two weeks, but it's now back again (though only in extremeties).
In those two weeks, I could walk easily, bend and twist.The pain did not wake me at night. It is worth a crack, Snow, even if you think I am a loony.

Oh, and BTW, I can't ever recall being Dingo -like. They are FERAL! :)

JOE TODD said...

Reader seven wants to know where the "donate here" button is on your Blog. Reader eight thinks you should turn your blog into a book and sell it on ebay and/or Amazon. Reader nine just says " What the FK"

Snowbrush said...

Natalie said: "I can't ever recall being Dingo -like. They are FERAL! :)"

Of COURSE, they're feral. THAT'S the point. Here I am saying you're like a wild, strong, and exotic dingo, and what, you're telling me you're more like a teensy-tiny chihuahua that looks miserable and shivers all the time? I can't tell you what a disappointment this is. All my fantasies squashed.

I'll be looking into flagyl, but I don't fit the symptoms for fibromyalgia. I don't think you're a looney either. Jeez, I've told you this before, and I meant it.

Here are two of my readers who DO have fibromyalgia though:

http://thesmallgodsshallbemyjudge.blogspot.com/

http://dragonflyspoetryandprolixity.blogspot.com/

Joe, if you want to donate, we need to talk. I can use the the money--while there's still time. You'll feel better about yourself for being so generous.

If I've forgotten others, I'm very sorry. You know how it is, what with almost everyone having some sort of a more or less serious problem(s).

Rita said...

I think I'm going to stick w/alcohol as a pain killer. It's at least manageable. I mean I can read crazy peoples comments w/a grain of salt if I'm only drunk.

dana said...

Reader two asks: How will we be able to tell when you develop psychiatric problems—you already act pretty weird? Personally, when I start acting like everyone else, then you'll know I have a psychiatric crisis.

"A sane man must appear to be insane in order to be accepted as sane in an insane world"

Reader four: Are you going to commit suicide now or wait a few days? If I did it now, I wouldn't have anything to look forward to in a few days.

Reader one again: Do you think you’ll die recanting your infidelity and begging Jesus to forgive you like most stupid atheists? Would Jesus think I had been remiss in my fidelity if he was taking a long vacation and was unaware of me while I was begging for relief and decided that HE was practicing infidelity?

Reader two again: Have you considered giving up your constant bitching and whining, and trying to be an inspiration and a role model to other sufferers and to the world at large? So, if I stop bitching and whining, and start writing of insipid and insubstantial things...people might think I am plagiarizing YOU.

Sorry Snowbrush. I had to step in.

Rob-bear said...

"I’m going to focus on booze, cigars, dark chocolate, and cream-filled donuts – all at the same time." ~ Snowbrush.

I'm with you — except for the booze and cigars. (Quit cigars a long time ago; "booze" is too generic.) Can I substitute single-malt Scotch and chocolate fudge or brownies? Or is this a sign that I have psychiatric problems? (If so, simply confirms some peoples' impression of me.)

The Blog Fodder said...

An Aussie Kiss is like a French Kiss but you do it Down Under.

Your blogs would make a great book.

Snowbrush said...

Rita: "I think I'm going to stick w/alcohol as a pain killer."

It works even better when mixed with narcotics! (No, I"m NOT seriously suggesting that you mix the two, and NO I don't mix the two either.)

Dana said: "if I stop bitching and whining, and start writing of insipid and insubstantial things...people might think I am plagiarizing YOU."

Gee, Dana, I'm at a bit of a loss. I wrote most of this post three days ago at 5:00 a.m. when the pain wouldn't let me sleep. I had no idea if I would consider it funny when I re-read it--my best guess was that I wouldn't. When I did re-read it, I thought it was pretty good. Of course, humor (black humor in particular) is always risky because a lot of people either won't get it or will find it offensive.

The Blog Fodder: "Your blogs would make a great book."

Thank you so much. I liked the joke. I hope my Aussie readers will too, especially after being compared to wild dogs.

Rob-bear said: "Can I substitute single-malt Scotch and chocolate fudge or brownies?"

Well, I GUESS that would be okay. I prefer bar chocolate myself and I somehow lost my taste for whiskey over the years. I felt good about giving it up though after I read a biography of Jack Daniels in which I learned that the great oak forests of Tennessee were largely cut down for whiskey barrels, which, as you probably know, are only used once. That struck me as such a shame that I enjoyed my vodka more than ever.

Bernie said...

How To Draw The Mentally Challenged Out of The Closet....that is why I'm here...LOL, be well........:-) Hugs

Snowbrush said...

Bernie wrote: "How To Draw The Mentally Challenged Out of The Closet....that is why I'm here..."

WELL--am I making progress or not?

kylie said...

definitely feral!

geek said...

You have a good humor, Snow and is worthy to "say soul-wrenching things". I give a Red Horse toast to you.. And Australian dingoes huh? Interesting..

nollyposh said...

i'm a little nervous commenting on this post given the header and my birthplace... But what the heck i used to screw like a Dingo, but now i'm older and aching and got better things on my mind, like remembering how to ~Live~ again... But it's not the end of the worlde because i have found that being in pain and suffering the side effects of modern medicine has taken me to the sweet edge of Life and some how now even the sometimes scary days seem to have a weird kind of beauty about them (Does that mean i'm going mad too?)... Anyway for God's sake don't do anything loopy because i rely on YOU to keep ME sanE! And besides all Peggy would have left is a soggy hole in the lounge chair and that would just be mean! Seriously though too many people would miss you, so soldier on my friend, i will hold your hand (Though i really wish you would just TRY a Kinesiologist, it opened up a whole new path for me) x

Lydia said...

Geez you are really having a time of it, huh? How is it that you can make so many people happy while feeling so rotten? That's a gift.

How To Challenge the Mentally Drawn would better describe me tonight. I'm sluggish, overfed, zoned out from watching three programs I recorded for my husband that I had already seen...
So thank you for making my brain do a little jig before I head to bed. :)

nollyposh said...

HEY SNOWBRUSH!!! ...Are you sleeping?
X:-P

Diana said...

Well I don't have youth, very good health, looks or money but apparently I have a lot of friends like you Snow that stopped by to wish me a Happy Birthday yesterday! Thank you much! Love Di ♥

Marion said...

This is a superb post...you've made me laugh out loud and that's always good. When I laugh, pain goes away or at least is not in the foreground as much.

I love the fact that after all your recanting and de-recanting, even Jesus wouldn't know where you were supposed to end up. You'll create such confusion in the heavenly skies!

"an old and arthritic daschund"...hahahahahahaha!

I really hope this post was meant to be funny; I took it as such, but if it wasn't, my apologies, Snow!

Rita said...

Actually, I like your quirky ironic sense of humor. I esp. like the part about decanting the recant.
I've been baptized 3 times,(full immersions)& have been born again & now I'm an atheist. I figure I'm one of those unborn agains. :)
Most of the Christians, I've told this to either claim I never was really converted or I still am & just don't know it.

I prefer to think I know myself better then they do.

Marion said...

Snow, you have made me laugh my pain away this morning. I started walking this week and it helps some. I figured, HELL, I'm going to be in pain anyway, so I may as well get a little exercise in the sunshine. I hope your sense of humor is the last to go. LOL!

I highly recommend putting a "DONATE" buttom on your blog so you can rake in some cash. I've donated more than once to causes much less serious than yours. I'm thinking of putting one on my blog, too. If we get enough money, maybe we can fly to the Bahamas and take a real vacation together. ;-) Great post, Snow!! Blessings!

CreekHiker said...

It sounds like the blog gives you some good entertainment at least!

dana said...

Sorry snowbrush, but ya got me wrong. I was writing TO the person that sent the questions.

I'm aghast that you would think I was writing in answer to YOU.

Jeesh. I ruin more friendships with my comments.

(I thought I was being hilarious)

Rob-bear said...

Wouldn't it be ironic if the Jack Daniels whisky barrels were chopped up and burnt, to provide the charcoal used for filtering vodka?

I don't expect that happened, but weirder things have occurred in this world.

Snowbrush said...

Kylie said: "definitely feral!"

I never doubted it about you, Kylie. I think Natalie might have been mystified though, if not actually insulted. And, of course, poor old Nollyposh has found "better" things to do. I must admit that I'm a bit that way too. Sex has gone from being my raison d'ĂȘtre to being but one option among many.

Geek, thank you for your kind words.

Nollyposh said: "Anyway for God's sake don't do anything loopy"

If you mean suicide, I don't feel that my time for that has come, and I hope it never does. By the way, Oregon was the first U.S. state to make it legal for a doctor to prescribe drugs for the purpose of suicide. Now, one or two others have followed. It's like gay marriage (I hope) in that once the ball starts rolling, it's pretty hard to stop it. The U.S. government did its best to stop the Oregon suicide law though by threatening to cut off federal funds and arrest doctors. They finally gave up.

Lydia said: "How is it that you can make so many people happy while feeling so rotten? "

It's an attempt to cope if not to heal--at least psychologically. It's truly not the pain, it's how I think about the pain that matters, and I spent a great deal of time almost in a panic because I didn't know if I could bear it if it got worse. Then followed months of despair. Now, I am hopeful. Despite the grim tentative diagnosis, I have never felt stronger, and my readers are a major source of my strength.

Diana said: "I don't have youth, very good health, looks or money but apparently I have a lot of friends like you"

Well, I don't know, Diana. My affection for you was based upon my misunderstanding that you were rich and beautiful! Oh, well. I guess I'm committed now, so I'll hang in there.

Marion said: "I really hope this post was meant to be funny"

Righto, kiddo.

Rita said: "I've been baptized 3 times,(full immersions)"

Wow! That must have been when you were having your bathroom remodeled. Was it the same church each time? Did you wear different wigs so that wouldn't recognize you?

Rita said: Most of the Christians, I've told this to either claim I never was really converted or I still am & just don't know it."

Isn't THAT strange? They must be of the "once saved, always" saved school of theology.

Marion said: "I figured, HELL, I'm going to be in pain anyway, so I may as well get a little exercise in the sunshine."

Exercise is really and truly supposed to help relieve pain. I try to at least walk 40 minutes a day, and often bike a little on top of that. This is nothing compared to the exercise I used to get, and although I can't really see much difference in my pain level, it definitely helps keep my spirits up.

Creekhiker said: "It sounds like the blog gives you some good entertainment at least!"

I rely on you guys so much that i wish I had a second computer as a back-up for when this one breaks. Twenty-four hours a day, you are there.

Dana wrote: " I was writing TO the person that sent the questions. I'm aghast that you would think I was writing in answer to YOU."

Dana, dear, don't feel badly. I'm serious when I tell you that my brain isn't as sharp as it was even six months ago due to the pain, fatigue, and drugs. Maybe everyone else in the whole world would have known exactly what you meant. In any event, my interpretation mattered little to me. You comment on my every post, and I appreciate you. I also know that life is filled with misunderstandings, and that they're even more common in writing than in person. Please, don't give it another thought.

Snowbrush said...

Rob-bear said: "Wouldn't it be ironic if the Jack Daniels whisky barrels were chopped up and burnt, to provide the charcoal used for filtering vodka?"

Well, I'm unaware that professional vodka distilleries filter vodka AT ALL. The brand I drink is distilled four times, and since vodka is SUPPOSED to be tasteless, what would be the purpose of filtering it?

Tennessee whiskey, at least, is filtered through charcoal made from sugar maple. As for the oak aging barrels, they're cut in half and sold as planters (don't you get them up your way?). Maybe some of the wood is made into charcoal for other purposes though.

kj said...

see, snow, this is what you have going for you. you share your laughs. you are basically to funny and too alive to be anything but.

my own two cents is to check out the TOP pain management programs and hand it over. they are going to take a look at all those meds: know that, and i think in the long run that look will be a blessing.

i will now try to keep up with your posts and be a more reliable present friend. if you want me....

ps please come back to my place and bitch.

:)
love
kj

Subby said...

Mom 'as her bouts of constant pain frae her surgeries, as weel. The meds dinna do a damn thing. I dinna think she's suicidal tho'( but she'll lament oft enoucht o't ). And if two "crazies" cancel ea' other out...but I'm no mair normal than I was ere, wot?

You've an inner clock that'll let ya ken when 'tis time to shuffle off this coil, y'ken...

Ane day at a time...

Snowbrush said...

KJ said: "my own two cents is to check out the TOP pain management programs and hand it over."

I don't know whether I need a neurologist or a pain specialist. After my internists gets his tests done, he will advise me about what to do next.

Subby wrote: "You've an inner clock that'll let ya ken when 'tis time to shuffle off this coil"

My god, man, do I detect a bit of a brogue? I hope it's as obvious as you think, but having a wife complicates things since I'm obliged to do all I can for her before thinking of myself. I fail in this everyday due to the fact that I'm not bearing up as well as I would like, but I keep trying. Sometimes, I'm just overwhelmed.

Suzanne said...

I love you!!!!! You're killin' me!! Oh and just so you know, Kylie's all over the place braggin' about being Australian and your post. I think the dingo made her do it. ;)

Natalie said...

Not mystified or insulted. :)
Just letting you know the truth, before you get all carried away with us Aussie Sheilas, that I am a bit past it too.

Sending healing, as ever.♥

Chrisy said...

Good grief...I had no idea...and I thought it was my personality the men were interested in!
I like the idea of you focusing on the booze, cigars, dark choco....and anything else that makes you feel better....savouring it...

Subby said...

'Tis like tha' wi' me mither. She comes first, she does ( I dinna worry 'bout m'self tho' ). Me ane da ne'er did wha' you're about. Tha' takes a lot o' foresicht and courage it does. He wasna into plannin' a'ead to weel...

Snowbrush said...

Suzanne said: " Kylie's all over the place braggin' about being Australian and your post."

Well, at least SHE'S not over the hill like poor old decrepit Natalie and Nollyposh. And then there's Chrisy who thought it was her personality that attracted men, this despite her play-dingo-at-the-beach swimsuit pose.

Natalie, my heart-breaking sheila, please see the above.

Chrisy, my deluded sheila, please see the above response to Natalie and follow the instructions.

Indeed, Subby. If given a choice between something that would kill me and something that would leave me alive but in shambles, I would take the first.

Liss said...

Hi thank you so much for visiting and leaving comments on my blog.

I've spent a bit of time to read yours and to understand how you must be feeling.

I believe you can not review a movie if you haven't seen it and you can't judge someones life or the way they feel if you haven't experienced similar circumstances.

One thing I notice is you have a very good sense of humor, hopefully this will stop you from going crazy.

I hope you find something better to manage your pain.

Natalie said...

Bahahaa!
I went to visit a photography blog and it said : 'Lowell Under Construction'....seems there is hope for you yet!
As for me, I'll take some vitamins or something. *wink*.

Snowbrush said...

Liss said: "i thank you so much for visiting and leaving comments on my blog."

It wasn't my first time! And you've been here too. Thanks for the encouragement.

Natalie said: "Bahahaa!"

Let me get this straight. I said that Aussie women are wild, beautiful, alluring, dangerous, and sensuous, like dingoes. You're an Aussie woman. You say "Bahahaa!" Do dingoes say "Bahahaa!"? Nooooo, sheep say "Bahahaa!" I stand corrected. Not ALL Aussie women are wild, beautiful, alluring, dangerous, and sensuous. Some Aussie women are cute and cuddly--and also vegetarian.

Misanthropissed said...

I'm sorry about your condition...
For what it's worth, I wish you'll get better. Soon.