A Tire Mountain Adventure

Peggy and I climbed Tire Mountain today where, after eating, I had a terrible spasm in my lower back. After I was able to stop cursing and writhing long enough to explain the problem, Peggy gave me four ibuprofen, and we sat—or rather she sat while I lay—wondering how the heck I was going to traverse the five miles (8 km) of mountainous terrain between us and the van. I couldn’t have very well crawled, so I thought I might have to break into my emergency kit and make camp. She offered to go for help, but I was unwilling to pay for my rescue—or risk seeing myself on the nightly news. I fortified my courage with the recollection that people with far greater injuries have made it down far higher mountains in far worse weather.

The spasm eventually lessened enough for me to get up, and finally to walk. Peggy carried what few heavy items I had, and, with the help of my trekking poles, I was able to get down without too much difficulty, the trail being mostly smooth and not unduly steep. Lifting myself into the van proved a greater obstacle than anticipated, but I succeeded, and felt considerably better an hour and a half later when we got home. I then made the mistake of getting out of the van while it was still in the driveway. To my chagrin, I found that I could neither remain standing nor get back in.

I slowly lowered myself to the concrete, and started crawling toward the house. Peggy got a furniture dolly, but I couldn’t lift myself onto it, and was forced to proceed on all-fours. I finally reached the laundry room, but was stymied by the single step into the kitchen. I had no choice but to remain on my hands and knees while trying to divine a solution. Peggy was determined to either help me to my feet, or get the neighbors to do so; but I was far more fearful of other people moving me than I was of finding a way to move myself.

Since I had needed to go to bathroom for the better part of an hour, but clearly wasn’t going to get there anytime soon, Peggy brought a jar, removed my pants and underwear, and held my penis while I urinated. She knew that men shake their privates when they are done—so as to avoid drips—and she gamely attempted to do so on my behalf. She first squeezed it, then jerked it, and finally banged it against the side of the jar. By the time she was satisfied that the job had been done right, I was satisfied that I knew how a cow feels when being milked.

She then attended to other things while I attempted various gentle and repetitive movements, my thought being that if sitting still had stove me up, then exercise might loosen my muscles. I was finally able to ascend the step by crawling sideways with my legs drawn up. Once at the top, I couldn’t get off my side—even to resume crawling—and was therefore as bad off as ever except that I had summited one very formidable seven-inch step. With Peggy’s help, I was able to propel myself on my side like an inchworm until I cleared the doorway. I was now directly in front of the refrigerator.

Peggy, being quite hungry, proceeded to make herself a salad. I was simply amazed by how much cold air exited the bottom of the refrigerator every time she opened it, and the afghans she covered me with were inadequate to stop my shivering since I was naked from the waist down and lying on a cold floor. Not knowing what else to do, I continued to gently exercise my legs in order to limber my back. I kept thinking that I could pull myself along by my arms if I had a rope, but I could see nothing to attach one to. An hour and a half after my ignominious descent from the van, I finally reached a chair in the den, and with care and patience lifted myself into it. I continued to stretch my muscles, and was eventually able to stand, though not completely upright. I was quite pleased with myself, the moreso because I had long since needed to go to the bathroom for reasons other than urination. 


41 comments:

Teresa said...

What can a person say to this? I am so sorry to hear you are in soooooo much pain!

What on earth are you doing climbing a mountain anyway? You certainly are brave...

You are in my prayers...even if you don't believe. ((((HUGS)))) T

kylie said...

snow, this is hilarious :)

well done for doing the hike out, that would have been some achievement and i hope you feel better soon

dana said...

Oh snow. I hope the ibuprofen helped ease the pain you must have had in your penis! All you needed at that point was to get the hic-cups. But your story had me laughing so hard, because it reminded me of the time I came home from the hospital. I had been there for two months and ended up having abdominal surgery. A straight incision from my sternum to my pubic bone had left me with zero abdominal muscles attached to each other. I couldn't lift my feet, much less my legs!

I can still see myself, standing just outside the house door, gazing inside at my daughter standing in the middle of the living room, looking at me with fear in her eyes for I could not step up the one step, to enter my house!

I must say that the inside of my house had never looked more inviting or more impossible to reach.

She eventually maneuvered two 2 x 4's into some semblance of a ramp, while using her feet to brace it against slippage. I shuffled upward, feeling as if I were on the verge of suddenly plummeting to my death of about 10 inches.

I finally made it to the recliner and eased myself slowly down, where I stayed for weeks as I slowly healed.

The very next day, needing some relief from the sitting position, I ignorantly hit the recliner button and the foot support flew up, allowing me to stretch out the kinks.

It was only then that I realized I would need ALL my abdominal muscles to kick the foot support in so that I could slowly arise and hobble to the bathroom.

Needless to say, it was a long, long wait for someone to eventually show up for a little assistance.

Rob-bear said...

Hi, Snow.

Man, you live dangerously! Climbing a mountain in your condition. Whoa! I can understand why you might (sort of), but. . . .

I've never climbed a mountain when I was in something like your shape, but I have negotiated a two-story house, on my hands a knees. Bit of a challenge; a LOT of nuisance.

Do take care, please. Your stories are delightful, funny, though-provoking — but hard on my heart. Other peoples' hearts too, I think.

CreekHiker / HollysFolly said...

Snow, I don't mean to laugh at your pain...but this story had me rolling!

I could just picture the authorities being called and Peggy having to explain why she made her poor husband crawl about the house with no pants!

I do hope you are feeling much better!

Bernie said...

Hope that climb to the top of the mountain was worth all that you went through.

Also I hope you are feeling better now and I know how thankful you are to have Peggy. She sounds like a real jewel while you my friend just may be a diamond in the rough.

Have a great Monday.....:-) Hugs

Natalie said...

*shakes head, completely befuddled*
Wtf? Mountain climbing??????????????

I am just glad you have Peggy for all your 'in sickness and in health' bits. ♥

The Bipolar Diva said...

The visuals on this post are just, well, visual. I feel so badly for your pain and that makes me feel guilty for chuckling while reading your words.
You, my friend, are an incredible man. :)

ellen abbott said...

Pretty funny story although I know it was far from funny while it was happening. What else can you do in a situation like that except find the humor. I like that Peggy fixed herself a meal while you were butt naked on the floor. I can see her stepping over you to get to the fridge and back.

and I wouldn't have wanted to call for rescue or the neighbors either.

rhymeswithplague said...

This is hilarious! I'm sorry for your pain and your various predicaments, truly I am, but I'm too busy shaking with laughter to apologize properly!

If we can't laugh at ourselves, who can we laugh at? Or maybe it's just your readers who are laughing...

Marion said...

Oh, my! You climbed a mountain! Kudos to you for attempting it...what a challenge in your condition. I laughed myself silly over the penis episode...I hope the ibuprofen helped any muscular pain Peggy might have induced!

You are an awesome writer...I do hope you managed to get out of the chair to take care of the "reasons other than urination". I love the way you string words together.

I hope the enormous pain has abated somewhat and that you can now take care of business by yourself!

Matawheeze said...

The helplessness of the situation is what scares the most, isn't it? A lifetime of being able to do for ourselves and suddenly it can all change. I recognize the emotional cost as well as the physical one, Snow. Hope it has eased enough to allow you mobility again. I know you appreciate Peggy as much as I do my Chris - who has been in her shoes!

pink dogwood said...

I don't mean to laugh at your pain either - but I think you want us to laugh otherwise you wouldn't be so funny. This is absolutely hilarious - but I do hope you are feeling better.

:)

Marion said...

Snow! Are you out of your fucking mind??? Too soon for mountains, my man. Start with molehills. Sheesh! I hope you're okay, dude. (Yes, I did laugh, too.) Sending you hugs and blessings!

dana said...

I just wanted you to know that your little escapade (and my answer) gave me the idea to do my own embarrassing story this Wednesday. Hope you get some of my readers over here!

nollyposh said...

OMG! Snow that was your most painfully funny post yet! (((hugs)))

kj said...

it's a shake, rattle and roll story!

i don't know who of these two main characters i admire more...

:)

Diana said...

Well that was one hell of an adventure wasn't it! And kudos to Peggy for doing her best with "The Shake"!
Please don't take this the wrong way Snow as I am not laughing AT you but I did find this somewhat comical. I have been stuck in some odd situations myself due to age and disintegrating joints!
Although it was very painful at the time I did have to laugh at myself after.
And as hard as I try to be very careful of how I move anymore, I just still never know when something is gonna give!
I do hope that you are recovering now from your "Adventure"!
Love Di ♥

The Tusk said...

http://browseinside.harpercollins.com/index.aspx?
isbn13=9780061974076

add the isbn at the end of the URL

I do hope you will find time to read page ten of this book.

Ask for a wind that most will fear and ye receive laughter in its place, Ask for the place you'll find your fears and you will find your beliefs.

Ask for your beliefs to be justified by laughter and you'll find that the supernatural is in this, the Irony of life. In that Irony you can find your soul and heart and mind in one place and in that place, where you find its meaning. That meaning was meant for someone who thought it was meant for someone else. This is the paradox of the supernatural, if it can be explained it is natural, if it can be believed but unexplained, it is supernatural. Believe that meaning of Spirit is for someone else and miss the meaning. Believe that the spirit has given an Irony which is a riddle to be laughed at but can be understood, because it is just an Irony and many more Ironies may unfold your way, and you will begin to believe in the spirit of the wind and possibly in the spirit of rhythm and as some in a very simple harmonic.

Find an Irony, believe in that Irony until it makes you laugh, Most all Irony in life will. I would like to say that I could point out a Supernatural event as easily as finding an Irony, but for now I'll change my tune.

This is Life on the Surface.
Now the chase to the point. I think if you were willing to have GOD answer a question for you, you might listen to the wind in the woods with one boot off.

Now that worked for me, and I'm not a betting person so I'm not going to say it. If you find yourself in the woods and you take one boot off, you might hear something you didn't expect. What you'll hear is the movement of the wind through the trees creating a sound you would understand to be laughter or music from natural causes.

Its when you accept the source to be supernatural is when you except God for what it is!

The Tusk said: "What you'll hear is the movement of the wind through the trees creating a sound you would understand to be laughter or music from natural causes."

Snow Says: "I think you're saying that you don't believe in a supernatural deity, yet you appear to anthropomorphize natural forces. Why is this?


Tusk Says: I do find them beautiful and touching, and whether I attach them to a deity or godlike entity?

I attach them to a spirit, but mostly one thing I learned from God at a very early age, say less than 10, was that God speaks through us with Irony.

I still don't know whether you own a pair of Cowboy boots for my little experiment, but after what I've read they would put a strain on your back to get off. I did learn you took a hike, and thus near the wind be they thermals or just exhaustive spirit.

So humor me, Cowboy boots or no, Justin, Frye, any pair will do. Try Acai Berry for your back pain.

I won't laugh at you or with you in this matter, but I am reminded of the song by Jim Croce "Don't Spit into the Wind, don't pull the mask off the Old Lone Ranger..

Try and find the Phil Ochs Small Circle of Friends song, Please visit the URL for the book "Messages".

I will try to keep up with your post's. I got terribly busy this past week.

Thats Life on the Surface

kj said...

i know that phil ochs' song!!!

very well!

All Consuming said...

‘I was unwilling to pay for my rescue—or risk seeing myself on the nightly news’ – Ah how well I know that way of thinking. Sometimes at my own cost sometimes for the best.

Whilst this was a horrible experience for you, grim as it became I’m so proud of you for having the bloody balls to climb up that mountain in the first place! That’s bravery to me. People may see it ‘stupid’ to try it, but it’s so important that we try, even if it ends badly.

I really felt for you reading this, I had a similar situation a few years ago occur and it wasn’t a wee I needed I can tell you.

I often wish I could pop over, make you one of my herbal teas and talk crap at you for a couple of hours to distract you from the pain. I’d play the spoons as an encore.

Much love and hugs sweetie, Michelle xxxx

dana said...

You're on my blog today along with my own story of being stranded. Hope you can pay a visit.
http://www.danajoywyzard.blogspot.com

kylie said...

if i was gonna distract you from pain it wouldnt be by playing the spoons

R. J. said...

The things we do for spouses are amazing. It's kind of funny, but not. They see us through labor and we see them through the prostate years--now there's a picnic.

the booker man said...

wow. sounds like you had a rather intense day. i sure hope your back is feeling better now.
thanks for stopping by my blog. you are correct about the crepe myrtle. :)

Diana said...

Oh I forgot to ask. When you are in really bad pain, who do you whimper to?
Do you say "Oh my God"?

Or do you just say " Oh, oh,, oh, this sucks, oh well.".
Love Di ♥

anupama said...

Dear Snow,
NAMASTE!
Good Morning from Thrissur,Kerala,INDIA!
Remarkable efforts,dear friend!You are lucky and blessed to have a wonderful and loving wife!
Hope you are fit as afiddle now!
Wishing you a joyful and relaxing weekend,
Sasneham,
Anu

kj said...

snow, remember when you said you missed me and hoped i would come by?

likewise and ditto.

love
kj

The Tusk said...

tenderest of wishes

JOE TODD said...

We do what we have to do. Some folks thar just got out of "treatment" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PzvveVJgWkM

Snowbrush said...

Instead of responding to everyone's comments, I'm mostly visiting you at your own blogs. I simply don't have time to do both, and since I responded at length to your comments following my last few posts, I'm going to mostly let this one slide. That said, if there's something you really wanted me to address, please do let me know. I don't mean to slight anyone. Far from it. I feel that I've already unintentionally slighted you by not visiting you more often.

The Tusk said: "if it can be believed but unexplained, it is supernatural."

This means that a phenomena--lightning, for example--ceases being "supernatural" once it's true origin is understood. I couldn't agree more.

I don't own cowboy boots. I wear very little leather. I did make a concession to belts because suspenders were awkward and web belts never seemed to work for long, but I feel guilty about wearing even that little bit of leather.

Thanks for the herbal tip, Tusk. I'm doing much better, but will keep it in mind and do a little research.

As for being near the wind, there's a place I like to camp called Windy Pass. The wind there is phenomenal. There's nothing like having a sixty mile an hour wind pass just above my head without ever blowing my hair.

RNSANE said...

If anyone had walked in on you, hands and knees in the kitchen, flopping in the breeze from the waist down, they probably would have thought you and Peggy were having kinky sex. What a fiasco! I am so sorry that your trek into the wilds ended up like this.

I just spent five days in the hospital for cellulitis of the right lower leg and ankle...what torture. Massive doeses of three different antibiotics. The nurses treated me very well, though. Still have some swelling and am not supposed to spend all day at the computer.

As always, your writing is better than any of my novels!

Anvilcloud said...

As a guy who has experienced his share of back spasms plus spinal degenerative issues, I feel for you. For spasms, I used to figure on three days for recovery, but that was when I was younger. My last severe spasm, although I have had a few minor ones since, was about five years ago, on the weekend before our big across province move on the Monday. Fortunately, we had hired movers, and I was still able to drive our vehicle. Beyond that, however, I was useless. It was very frustrating.

Just_because_today said...

Snow, what a painful story but the only thing on my mind after I read it was your penis being squeezed, jerked and banged. Some men would pay to have that done to them.
Great painful funny story.

Shari Sunday said...

I happened to choose this post to visit your blog for the first time. I admit to laughing out loud even though I'm sorry for your pain. You describe it so well. I had a back spasm only once but I can identify with your experience. Peggy sounds like a very practical woman who tries to be as helpful as possible. As long as you were stuck in front of the fridge, making a salad seems like a perfectly sensible thing to do. Hope you are better.

lakeviewer said...

You are going to remember this episode, for many reasons. I can see a few vignettes that lend themselves to some blackmail, for sure. LOL

khelsaoe said...

That's one amazing woman you've got there. One. Amazing. Woman.

Hope you're feeling better and all is well.
~Chelsea

Kay Dennison said...

Thanks for visiting me!! I like your blog -- I find your varied content intersting and am adding you to my list.

Glad you had the ibuprofen with you. It's a godsend with a back injury. I have found that naproxen (Aleve) is somewhat better -- but please note that the two may not be taken together.

And yeah, men are better packers than us gals.

Vagabonde said...

I see you have a sense of humor – I enjoyed the way you described your pee. I am not sure what problem you have in your back but have you considered pain management? There must be something in it because my daughter and son-in-law went to Baltimore for a full week to study it (they are physicians.) I could ask them what they think if you tell me more about your pain. They may know of good articles to read on the subject. I know pain is no fun as I have a crack in my knee that was not fixed (because it was workman’s compensation) and can no longer run or walk fast or walk for long periods, but the pain you describe sounds terrible.

Mrshappyanna said...

Hi snow, I found your blog through your comment on mine (the happy couple) about the words cream crackered (rhyming slang for being knackered by the way)
I was shocked to read you would actually have to PAY to be rescued from the mountain you climbed.. over here we have a great volunteer Mountain Rescue service, as well as the RNLI (Royal National Lifeboat Institute) for watery areas.. but then we have the NHS and you lot dont sadly.

Keep in touch, its fascinating to read how someone more or less the other side of the world lives!

Murr Brewster said...

I don't remember anything past "banging the penis on the side of the jar." But seriously, my friend: for about ten bucks or a trip to the Liberry you can fix yourself.