Peggy joins S.C.U.M.

Today, I went for part (which was all I could survive) of an all day workshop at the Sikh kundalini yoga center. I knew almost nothing about kundalini, so I looked it beforehand in Wikipedia. I quote:

“Summary of Known Problems [resulting from kundalini]: Death, pseudo death, psychosis, pseudo psychosis, confusion, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, sadness, suicidal thoughts, urges to self-mutilate, homicidal urges, arrhythmia, exacerbation of prior or current mental illness, insomnia, inability to hold a job, inability to talk, inability to drive, sexual pains, temporary blindness, and headaches.”

I naturally wondered if I would survive the afternoon, but, “what the heck,” I said to myself, “it's free. Besides, what are the odds that I’ll have all these problems at once?”

I was the only male in a roomful of middle-aged women (the other men having presumably died or gone insane), all of whom sat comfortably on the floor with their legs in a lotus position while I propped myself torturously against the wall. We practiced exercises that seemed so fiendishly designed to destroy knees that, had I been paranoid, I would have thought the teachers knew I was coming and were out to get me. We—rather the rest of the class—sat with their knees bent so their feet were beneath their butts; they squatted with their heels touching one another; and then they returned to a lotus position. I had to stifle my laughter as I considered the absurdity of my utter ineptness at doing any of the things that everyone else could do so easily.

Not that the teachers were content with knee twisting exercises. We also stared at our noses, tightened our anal sphincters, drew energy through our navels, chanted the same four syllables interminably, touched our fingers to our thumbs in time with our chanting, and panted—all at the same time. I could soon see that kundalini yoga would indeed drive me stark raving mad, and that it wouldn’t take long either.

After three sessions, each of which was wilder than its predecessor, I left. I couldn’t believe that people actually do this stuff, yet my curiosity would have kept me there for the final hour if only I could have sat in a chair.

As I biked home, I reflected upon my inability to do a single exercise correctly as well as the absence of other men in the class, and I recalled the S.C.U.M. (Society for Cutting-Up Men) Manifesto which was written in 1967 by Valerie Solanas, the radical feminist who shot Andy Warhol. The following will give but a mild taste of her sentiments:

“The male is a biological accident: the Y (male) gene is an incomplete X (female) gene, that is, it has an incomplete set of chromosomes. In other words, the male is an incomplete female, a walking abortion…. the male is unfit even for stud service…[he] is, nonetheless, obsessed with screwing; he’ll swim through a river of snot, wade nostril-deep through a mile of vomit, if he thinks there’ll be a friendly pussy awaiting him.”

Since the part about snot and vomit was true enough, I asked Peggy--my resident nurse--whether the male Y gene really is simply an X gene with some parts missing. She said, “Picture a Y. What you’ve got is an X with only one leg right? This being undeniable, it necessarily follows that every Y that ever existed was a totally screwed-up, irredeemable mess. This is why the women in your yoga class could stand on one foot with their other limbs extended while you crashed to the floor. They were mighty towers of beauty and light; you were a three-legged dog in a hurricane.”

“Uh,” I interrupted. “I knew there were X genes and Y genes, but it never occurred to me that the genes really looked like Xs and Ys or that they had to spend their lives on their feet, as it were.”

“Well, sad to say, but now you know,” Peggy concluded. “This is knowledge that female nurses have always had, but that male doctors—even geneticists—have been protected from. Mine is, after all, a compassionate gender. That’s why we don’t start wars or beat people up like you stupid men.”

So it is that I will leave kundalini yoga to the gender that is better suited for it, and welcome to it they are. I had rather be strapped to a chair and forced to watch sitcoms from the 70s.

44 comments:

kylie said...

snow!!!!!!
this is fantastic!!

Kay Dennison said...

I'd find it beyond me, too,

CreekHiker / HollysFolly said...

What a great chuckle!!

Natalie said...

Ha,ha! Love it ,love it. Well written, I thoroughly enjoyed your perspective.

Snowbrush said...

Thanks, everyone. Natalie, you said you "enjoyed" my perspective, but you stopped short of saying you AGREED with it. I really admire your tact and diplomacy.

The Blog Fodder said...

Wonderful. Some yoga class that had to be. I liked the X and Y bit but I would say the X was a Y that gained weight.

nollyposh said...

Lol gotta love that Peggy too X;-)

Mim said...

This is great but I'm a bit worried that the yoga class actually mellowed you - is that like going insane??

Winifred said...

You really cheer me up Snowbrush.

Free!!!! They should pay you to do those classes. Isn't it surprising what people will do to themselves in the name of whatever.

I was amazed you could actually ride a bike after that torture.

Hope you realise that's a wise woman you married. Compassionate too. You're a lucky man.

Dion said...

I wish my wife was interested in kundalini.

Marion said...

You had me laughing out loud this early Sunday morning. Such a wise, funny, and TRUE write! LOL! Love & Blessings, Snow!

Myrna R. said...

I really enjoyed your post. Hate to admit it, but some of us X's can't do it either.

Robin said...

Snow, you made me laugh out loud this morning! You have always been a provocative writer..with a real gift for words....but, as a new "reader" here, it is the first time I have seen your humour - and I love it! A great post!

And....remember this, my friend...after all the Yoga positions you tried, - you were still able to bicycle home!

Hugs to you!

♥ Robin ♥

Crazed Nitwit said...

LMAO! I never knew a radical feminist killed Andy Warhol!! Thanks for the history lesson.

ellen abbott said...

Oh yeah, kundalini yoga, it all about the breathing. Your first yoga class? Dude.

I do yoga, have done it off and on since I was about 20. Lately I've been going once a week but I have never been able to establish a home practice, just can't seem to wedge it into my day.

I'm sorry to say that I agree that the Y is just a mutant X but I don't hate you for it. And I gotta say, you married a smart woman.

Simone said...

: )
Simone

Snowbrush said...

I just have a moment to write, but I wanted to tell Crazed Nitwit that I never said Valerie Solanas KILLED Andy Warhol, although she did shoot him. If she HAD killed him, she might have spared us some bad art, but she wasn't that good of a shot.

Gaston Studio said...

As usual, love your perspective on things Snow, and this one is a winner that made me laugh out loud!

Dave said...

love it.

Robert the Skeptic said...

Sometimes I think all these Far East transcendental-yoga-spiritual what-not ideas are really just a clandestine psychology experiment (aka, practical joke) to see how far they can go to convince people to do outlandish things. If they would simply add a hidden camera it could be a whole new "Candid Camera" series for TV.

The Tusk said...

Kundalini is more than Death and Psychosis. If done correctly it heightens the sexual experience. Is this what Peggy was after by sending you. Simply put ...
Try touching your heels together while Peggy is straddling you, then tighten your Sphincter, doing a but Push Up. They don't teach this position, but this is what the exercise is for. The Kundalini pages I've read are all about heightening the sexual experience, I'll send you the link.

Till then it's just Life on the Surface.

The Tusk said...

http://www.themystica.com/mystica/articles/k/kundalini.html

This is the link I promised. At times I find Wikipedia is for bird brains, you just want a little seed, but you never really get your nutritiion, from your bird feeder(the Wik), travel through the web, doing your own research, and mix your words up like Kundalini and Female Sexual Arousal. Tantric Yoga is a close second to what you want to experience...

Life while Tanning on the surface.

Sincerely,
your blogging friend who sees compassion in your heart forgiveness in your soul and a understands you to have a desire to be enlightened about the religions of the world. Fending off any pretense you may hop the fence of Atheism and graze amongst the blessed, whom you consider at times blinded by the light they see through.

Snowbrush said...

Tusk, my friend, you write so charmingly. You have no idea how much I delight in you.

Peggy didn't send me to the kundalini class, and I don't really care to investigate it further--although I greatly appreciate your thoughtfulness in sending the link. I'm somewhat disabled and in chronic pain, so improving my sex life through yoga is not even on my list of priorities. I am starting a therapeutic yoga class tomorrow though.

As for becoming enlightened about the religions of the world, if you simply mean that religion interests me, you are correct. That said, I don't believe that religion offers enlightenment anymore than I believe that Fox News is "Fair and Balanced." I compare the two because both are the opposite of what they claim to be.

lyptis said...

Yo man, what's up?
Funny post. And i love Valarie Solanas, SCUM was totally my bible in my younger years.

Yoga is brutal, i'm kind of surprised to see all the side effects it is supposed to have, but then i am not really.

Btw, in my blog post i meant we flew over LA and Auckland, as in stopped over, isn't that how you say it??

Marion said...

I'm glad you're starting a therapeutic Yoga course, Snow. Graham's done Yoga for years, along with many male friend, so I know you'll enjoy it as well.

Great post, I laughed at Peggy's conclusion. She's a great lady, Snow!

Haupi said...

I wouldn't sweat it, I don't think a lot of women (a lot younger) wouldn't be able to do kundalini yoga either. Anyway you've actually tried something I've never attempted...putting a foot inside on of those places. Why not just take a regular exercising class that'll get your heart pumping and a good burn going? Hope you caught "Glee" tonight - pretty good tv watching if you ask me.

Snowbrush said...

Lytis, I'll answer your question on your blog. I had no idea that anyone would know who Valerie Solanas was, probably because I didn't until years after she was dead. This is the first paragraph about her from Wikipedia:

"Valerie Jean Solanas (April 9, 1936 – April 25, 1988) was an American radical feminist writer, best known for her attempted murder of Andy Warhol in 1968. She wrote the SCUM Manifesto which encouraged male gendercide and the creation of an all-female society."

I just love that term "gendercide."

Marion, I've heard that a lot of men are reluctant to take yoga. I suppose they think it's more a woman thing, or maybe they're just not as open to new experiences as women.

Haupi said: "Why not just take a regular exercising class that'll get your heart pumping and a good burn going?"

When you have bad knees AND bad shoulders, it's a bit hard to take aerobic exercise classes. I bike, and I also walk on my good days, but that's about all I've been able to think of. I can't swim with bad shoulders, and I can't do dancercize, etc. with bad knees.

All Consuming said...

“I was the only male in a roomful of middle-aged women (the other men having presumably died or gone insane)” Hahahaha, brilliant stuff.

I’ve tried a few different types of yoga and without fail find the fact that I either can’t move into the simplest positions, or if I can it’s excruciating, an embarrassment, which just worsens the one I feel anyway when being looked at in a group. Long-term issue of mine that. I’ve tried it on video as well, but without doubt you need the guidance of a professional if you are to avoid doing something horribly wrong.

It’s a big topic with folks who know me over the years, insisting that yoga would ‘sort me out’ when they have no idea of the pain involved. They mean well. May The Small Gods preserve me from folks who ‘mean well’ yet always end up with quite the opposite result!

“This is why the women in your yoga class could stand on one foot with their other limbs extended while you crashed to the floor. They were mighty towers of beauty and light; you were a three-legged dog in a hurricane.” – Guess I’m more of a guy than either myself or hubby would ever have guessed hahaha.

Just_because_today said...

I love Kundalini!!! It is so hard that while i am doing it, my mind can not think about anything but the pain I am feeling!!! Ahhh I love it.
I wonder if the missing leg of the X that turned it into a Y was ripped off by a woman pissed off (but what could she be pissed off at if there were no men before?).

Snowbrush said...

Just_because, the way Peggy tells it, god didn't create Eve as a wife for Adam. God created Eve as Adam Version II.

All Con said: "I’ve tried a few different types of yoga and without fail find the fact that I either can’t move into the simplest positions, or if I can it’s excruciating, an embarrassment..."

Yoga killed one of my vertebrae (C-5 is officially osteonecrotic); it caused my syringomyelia (a cyst in my spinal cord), and it led to two shoulder surgeries. Yet, I think yoga can be a good thing. I would guess that it could help you if you could find a teacher who likes working with disabilities, and who teaches either one-on-one or in a small class setting where you wouldn't be the only person with problems.


Just-because, if you love kundalini, then you are obviously a better man than I, and my hat's off to you. When you've suffered enough there, you might consider moving on to Bikram.

rhymeswithplague said...

I thought kundalini was a new type of Italian pasta.

Reading blogs is so educational.

Joe Todd said...

And that is the Y of it.

Joe Todd said...

I wonder if women ever get 503 service unavalable message when they try to leave a comment? LOL

Zuzana said...

This was so funny, that I laughed out really loud reading it.;) So loud my cat actually jumped up on the sofa and stared at me. Hmm, I guess this shows how little I laugh these days...How sad is that...
xo

Always smiling said...

Hi
You stopped by my blog I wondered why, how did you find me?
We couldn't be more different but then we do live opposite sides to the pond. I am a christian and just live a quiet life doing my own thing with compassion for my fellow man. I am sorry that you have to take so many drugs, you didn't say why, or what caused the pain you experience. I laughed at the yoga, but as I don't believe in such things as it being anti-christ I am not suprised that it did you no good. I expect you'll think that narrow minded of me, but it is of no concern to me.
I hope your pain is relieved and that your blogging gives you the joy it gives me although in comparison mine is but the humble ramblings of a old woman
Every blessing
Chris

Snowbrush said...

Always Smiling, I "found" your blog through a comment you made on another blog. I enjoyed your comment, so I thought I would check you out.

"We couldn't be more different but then we do live opposite sides to the pond."

England is less religious than America, so you would fit in nicely here.

"I laughed at the yoga, but as I don't believe in such things as it being anti-christ..."

You laugh at the anti-Christ! Wow. I didn't think Christians found him amusing. You seem to be implying that you avoid anything that had its origin in what you would consider a pagan religion. My question is how can you possibly identify all of these things, and how do you feel about the ones--such as Christmas, among others--that were pagan in origin but later appropriated by the church?

The Tusk said...

As for becoming enlightened about the religions of the world, if you simply mean that religion interests me, you are correct. That said, I don't believe that religion offers enlightenment anymore than I believe that Fox News is "Fair and Balanced."

I must admit to you I think I mispoke or Miswrote in the least. True Religion, per se True religion and what you can say is true belief borders on the semantic for some, then this becomes the argument, which a proper redress is expected in lexicon. Religion is not very enlightening in fact I think it is meant to be quite rote. Enlightening experience that is shared is mistaken as a religious experience by many, when in fact it is just enlightenmeant. A belief system is broken down an designed or deigned to be assimilated by the masses according to who would like to walk in whose chosen shoes.

It reminds me of aspiring saints or clergy who walk in the former saints footsteps, I think, in hopes that in some way they are living that very life.

I'm not really sure the point I'm making other than to say, much can be learned from a religion which is 8000 years old Egyptian, 5000 years old Hindu, 2000 years old Christian/Judaio.

I think in many ways more can be learned from the blatant interpretations and misinterpretation of dead languages and crushed empires like Sanskrit, Arabic, Mayan, and my favorite "The History of Burnt Njal"

Did you ever wonder where the word the "Thing" came from.

Blatant plug put in there to get you to read some(thing) you haven't read. Sorry.

Life on the Surface thinking Norwegian.

Hope to write soon on my blog, have been working non stop. What recession?

yoborobo said...

Being a damaged X myself, I have a fear of all things yoga. Just the word gives me the shivers. I'll join you watching sitcom reruns (but does it have to be the 70s?).

tony said...

And We Always Leave The Toilet Seat Up! Were Bloody Hopeless!

Vagabonde said...

I have been doing some traveling and am behind in reading my friends’ blogs but I am still posting, about once a week, my last post was about Savannah (the posts coming up will be about it too as I took many pictures.) I read your past posts as I always enjoy what you have to say and your comments too. As I liked your reply to Always Smiling about Christmas. I am so surprised that here they believe that Christmas, the celebration, is Christian. It is not and if they knew their American history they would realize that the Puritans forbid their followers to celebrate Christmas and even gave them fines if they did. I read a scholarly book (which had many references) it was very interesting and enlightening. Thanks for coming on my blog. I hope that you may find some other type of exercise than yoga to help your back.

Bernie said...

So are you still doing yoga? Have a great weekend.....:-) Hugs

julie said...

Snow,
LOL....I'm so glad I came here today...I'd forgotten how much I enjoy your writing.....this is a very funny post...hug, hug

Bernie said...

Snow, okay I am finally home in front of my own computer and was looking forward to reading your post but you have removed it....ok what's up?
Hope you and Peggy are doing well, hope to hear from you soon....Hugs

Christy said...

I am sorry it took so long for you to finally be told. But think of it this way, you were blissfully happy for the first part of your life.