Cat, $35; toys and accessories $783; damage to property $682; playing mean tricks on cat, priceless

Is my cat the feline equivalent of trailer trash if he ignores his new seven-story “cat tower,” but goes bananas over the box it came in?

If my cat hates his new bed and cat toys but loves the worn-out bed and beat-up dog toys that belonged to my recently deceased schnauzer, is my cat possessed by my schnauzer’s ghost?

When my wife and I are reading in bed at night, and we hear claws ripping through leather furniture and knickknacks crashing to the floor all over our house as our cat systematically demolishes everything we’ve worked 39 years to accumulate; would it be an overreaction to shoot, stab, strangle, or immolate our cat?

If I’m unable to wake my cat up to play during the evening hours even if I hold him upside down by his hind feet and shake him, but he wakes me up to play throughout the night by jumping on my face and yowling, does this mean that I adopted a night-shift cat when what I really wanted was an evening shift cat?

When my elderly and blind heeler is trying to make her way to her food bowl, why won’t my young and agile cat move to one side rather than wait patiently for the dog to get within range and then shred her nose?

My cat appears to love me, but I can’t escape the sneaky suspicion that it would kill me and play games with my corpse if I were suddenly reduced to the size of a mouse. Am I simply being paranoid?

Do you know where I can find the book Dogs are from God; Cats are from Satan?

41 comments:

The Bipolar Diva said...

No, you're not paranoid. They can be demonic!

Marion said...

LMAO! I soooo love this and can relate, Snow. But you gotta love the little NOCTURNAL bastards, you just do!!! It gets better, trust me. Your cat needs a friend. Get another cat and you'll double your fun. Tee-Hee...

Now, multiply this times 8 and add a 100 pound Golden Retriever (who thinks he's a cat) and you've got my life. I have no retirement account because I've spent it att PetSmart. I got one cat a few years ago to replce my beloved 20 year old Siamese who died and have no idea how I ended up with 8. They are so fucking funny & entertaining. We call it "Cat TV" every night. Last week my husband put a dish of hard candy on the counter. We kept hearing plunks all night. The cats took every piece of candy out of the dish, one by one and played soccer up and down the hall all night. We're still finding candy. We had to anchor our Christmas tree with fishing line because, you guessed it, the cats climbed the tree. So we had an epiphany and bought a huge box of big plastic Christmas balls and decorated our Cypress tree outside. We let our cats out on warm days because we live on a dead end street with virtually no traffic and yep, they climbed the Cypress and one by one, removed every big ball.

I have to say, though, your cat has given you THE funniest post ever. No shit. I hope you keep the stories coming. It made my day.

Love & Blessings,

Marion (the cat lady)

rhymeswithplague said...

Boy, it didn't take long for a few of the "subtle changes" Strayer mentioned in his comment on the previous post to kick in, now did it?

rhymeswithplague said...

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

kylie said...

effing hilarious snow!!!

Robin said...

It certainly didn't take Brewsky long to make himself at home!
Ha-ha! Yes, this is life with a cat!

"Rhymeswithplague" has it right - "Dogs have owners. Cats have Staff"!

He's adorable....and sounds like a purrfect (I can see you rolling your eyes at my play on words!) pet for you.... and I think it's great he prefer's Baxter's things.....

Hugs,

♥ Robin ♥

Crazed Nitwit said...

I do believe all will agree YOU should write that book!!! You had me cracking up once again.

Diana said...

The first lesson in cat ownership is that we don't. Own them that is, they own us. The sooner that you except this fact, the better.
This is one reason my cats are not allowed in my bedroom. I like to sleep at night! Good luck to you Snow oh and cats will take revenge if you piss them off! Love Di ♥

ellen abbott said...

seems to me you've discovered the reason the cat was at the shelter.

Elisabeth said...

'Nocturnal bastards', as Marion says, but cats are y nature night creatures i suspect. Ours are. the worst is the one who cries at the door endlessly and even when you let her in she cries some more. It's hard to understand her, and nothing brings her relief.

Thanks for a great description Snow. You have to forgive yourself your less than kind thoughts. They are understandable.

Snowbrush said...

I so appreciate your enjoyment of my humor--of course, not all of you necessarily did, and that's okay too. I wrote this piece this morning, published it immediately, and have revised it again and again throughout the day, so much so that it's now very different from how it first appeared. Ironically, perhaps, I had a crummy night, partly due to Brewsky keeping me awake and partly due to shoulder pain keeping me awake, so I wasn't in a good mood when I wrote this. I often find that I write humor when I'm low because doing so cheers me up a little. The sad part is that I never have a clue whether anyone else will think my efforts are funny, so I always publish them with trepidation.

Rhymes, I would say that, ideally, dogs have parents rather than owners. When people feel that they own an animal, it becomes too easy to neglect it.

Diana, I'm seriously considering locking Brewsky in the spare bathroom at night. The problem is that he's a real joy to sleep with--when he's asleep.

Well, Ellen, our kitty was the child of a wayward mother, so he was orphaned when very young. I have no idea that he's any worse than any other juvenile cat.

You're right, Robin. Brewsky made himself at home as soon as he walked through the door. He's mellow, but he's certainly not timid.

Jeez, Marion, you've got a quite the brood. Your heartworm medicine alone must cost several hundred dollars a year. Fortunately, heartworms are still rare up here. I also didn't know that you had Pet Smart in Louisiana. I don't much like it because of their stupid membership cards, so I lean toward Mini Pet Mart. There is also a neat little family owned store just down the street, but it caters to the wealthier pet.

The Blog Fodder said...

Great post. Made my morning. As did some of the comments of other cat lovers. I think you need to write the book.
Our Kuchma disappears at night and comes home and sleeps all day.
We had Bobik inside where we could treat his leg and the two dogs were so lonesome for each other we finally after 6 days of listening to them cry, put them back together outside. They were overjoyed. They will get on well as Tanya said, until the next fight.
Cats dogs and kids

Mim said...

I too am with Rhymes, but yes...parents not owners. Cats TRY to have staff and you have to let them know that you all work for the same team (whose I don't know, let's not get religious here) otherwise they totally RULE

dana said...

Another bright thought to consider:

Homicide detectives really hate to enter the house of a crime scene if it contains a cat. Why? They see us as walking food servers while we're alive, and a banquet once we're..uh..

In the meantime, when they choose to be active, they provide lots of amusement. My two cats were very dog oriented and loved to fetch and return little jack balls.

I awoke from a nap one day to see my large, orange cat, walking past me with the plug to the tub drain, and the attached chain, in his mouth.

I NEVER DID FIND WHERE HE HID IT.

Diana said...

Just to let you know, it was very funny!!! Love Di ♥

Skepticat said...

My cat runs this household. He wouldn't have it any other way.

He told us early on to forget the expensive toys and such. He prefers twist ties.

He also demands that we check his food bowl for sufficient levels of noms every single time we get out of a chair. Naturally, we comply.

KC said...

I have never been owned by a cat but am owned by a Bichon Frise. She is a cat in a dog body.

Your new kitty sounds like a riot. Who cares about all the "stuff' anyway. I do have a question about cats...do you train them or do they simply train you?

Hope you get feeling better.

studio lolo said...

Welcome to the world of kitties!
If I'm reading between the lines correctly, you're enjoying the hell out of him (for the most part.)

And I think it's sweet that he's drawn to Baxter's toys and things.

Brewsky was a good compromise for a name. I like it!

kj said...

you are in love, snow...

it's that easy.

love
kj

Snowbrush said...

Peggy and I are now five days into cat parenting, and only twice have I seriously wanted to return the cat to the humane society. The first only lasted for a few minutes. The second lasted for hours during which Brewsky seemed intent on making life hell for my elderly dog. If that got bad enough, it truly would be a deal killer, but for the most part, he ignores Bonnie.

Lolo, Peggy didn't know what a brewsky was. In case others don't, a brewsky is a friendly name for a beer, as in, "Hey, buddy, you wanna brewsky?"

KC, as for whether cats train you or you train cats, I think the same question could be asked of any pet. Of course, cats have a bad reputation for utter selfishness. If I believed that this reputation was entirely deserved, there's no way that I would want a cat. However, I suspect that the belief is like many, if not all, prejudices in that it does contain a grain of truth.

Dana is that really true about homicide detectives? I should think that a dog would eat its master's corpse too if it was either that or starvation, but what you wrote seemed to imply that cats chow down almost as soon as their bowl is empty. I just can't imagine that if for no other reason than that a human corpse would be an alien dish to them. After I wrote the above, I Googled the question. It appears that both dogs and cats will--at least sometimes--eat their human if nothing else is available. Here is one link about a dog that did so: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/kent/6040984.stm

Mim, I am getting my land legs with kitty discipline. I now have a squirt bottle with water in it (which I have yet to use), and I am hissing at the cat rather than simply telling it no. This seems to get its attention a LOT better, and Bonnie doesn't get upset thinking I'm mad at her.

I'm glad you thought it was funny, Diana.

Skepticat, you're not the first to say that their cat runs the household, yet I assume that you were being light-hearted since I can't imagine not setting boundaries for a kitty.

I'm glad your dogs like one another Fodder despite their occasional efforts to murder one another.

Snowbrush said...

Oh, KJ, you responded while I was writing. Actually, I just pretend to be caring and sensitive because chicks love it. Ha. I'm just been inappropriately funny as is my wont, as it were.

Kerry said...

You got a cat. This, for some unknown reason, shocks me more than anything you have said about religion. Wow!

Our cat, who, if he had been a human being would have been a complete s.o.b, disappeared in February. We miss him but haven't had the urge to get another cat, at least not yet.

Snowbrush said...

Kerry, I feel like I've failed you about the religions thing. I promise to try harder.

rhymeswithplague said...

Setting boundaries for a kitty!

It is to laugh!

Snow, I know that you and Peggy love beautiful music even if it happens to have a religious text...come over to my blog and hear what I think is one of the most beautiful pieces of music ever written. It happens to be a French Christmas carol from the 17th century, but try to overlook that.

dana said...

Seriously, after 36 years on the fire department, and working with detectives, it is pretty common knowledge that when arriving on a scene where a death has occurred, the first thing is to be aware of a dog, for it will remain protective. If weeks pass, and there's no other choice, well...I'd say "it depends on the dog and human relationship to begin with".

A cat will start on the cheek area, but doesn't consume the entire body.

http://www.bigsiteofamazingfacts.com/would-house-cats-eat-their-owners-if-the-owners-died-and-the-cats-were-hungry

Winifred said...

Oh yes you've got it exactly right with that cat. Ours sleeps all day and most of the evening on the chair then he howls at night to be out. He won't use a litter box!

Mind you children spend more time playing with the boxes than with the expensive toys you've bought them for Christmas too! Here's wishing you a Happy Christmas and a wonderful year in 2011.

Snowbrush said...

Winifred, I have read that there really are cats that simply can't learn to use a littler box, presumably due to something that went awry in their kittenhoods. I've also read that these cats typically have other issues as well, so I'm wondering what your experience is. Brewsky is going to be an indoor cat, so if he was among the non-littler box cats, he couldn't stay here. Fortunately, he got the knack of it before we knew him. So far, the only real issue we have is that Bonnie is afraid of him. A few years ago, she would have killed him on sight, but now that she's old and blind, the tables have turned somewhat. The two of them seem to be working on their relationship though.

Snowbrush said...

Oh, I missed people. Actually, Rhymes, books abound on how to manage cats. I hear from so many of you that your cats do damn well what they please, when they please. I can't imagine why anyone would choose to live with a sometimes destructive animal that was completely out of their control. It would definitely be a deal killer for me, although I can tell you from long experience that it's not just cats that people lose control of. There are many people who are terrorized by their dogs. I've already trained Brewsky to avoid areas like the Christmas tree and the computer keyboard. Scratching posts sprayed with catnip have eliminated nearly all of his scratching on upholstery. Also, he has backed off 90% in his attacks on Bonnie. And, as I mentioned to Winifred, he came to us litter box trained.

Dana, I haven't seen anything to indicate that the only dogs that eat their dead owners are dogs that didn't have a good relationship with those owners. Even human beings have been known to eat their good friends when that's all they had. You no doubt remember the soccer team that was in a plane crash in the Andes. And then there's the Catholic belief that they are literally eating the body of Christ during mass. Whoa, what is THAT about?! Yeah, I don't know what that face eating is about in cats. Since cats don't see things as we do, I don't think it's a metaphor for anything; rather, I simply suspect that the face is the choice portion for them.

Just_because_today said...

I dont think you are paranoid, I think you are right. My grandmother used to say that cats would sneak in a baby's room and strangle him (how would a cat do that, is beyond me).
I love cats.

I feel the same way about my adorable puppy. He was "free to a good home" and it was a good home because he got hold of it.

geek said...

I just lol-ed (not a word, i know!) while reading this post. What an interesting cat. And yeah, they can be bitches (remembers Flint the cat from the Archaeology Department).

yoborobo said...

Snow - this has me laughing so hard! Some of my best pirate swearing (and it is pretty darn good if I do say so myself) has been aimed at my cats. They have completely destroyed a leather sofa. We have a cat that knocks on our door in the middle of the night. We have one that, when she is displeased (we call her the Queen), knocks everything off of shelves and counters. She also had our 100 lb. German Shepherd mix living in fear for awhile (they have since come to a wary tolerance of each other). As for training cats, I once taught a cat to fetch. I was on bedrest and bored out of my mind. I think you and Peggy have quite a character on your hands. Thanks for sharing this!

rhymeswithplague said...

The cats and babies thing, as I understand it, is that babies smell like milk around the mouth, and since cats love milk, can inadvertently smother a baby. Don't know if it's true.

And though a cat may appreciate a saucer of milk from you, it can find its own food, thank you very much, a bird or a fish or a mouse, so if the human nearby upsets or disappoints it in any way, the independent kitty will simply leave and find someplace (and someone) else.

Perhaps you are one of those rare persons who has an affinity for both dogs and cats. Usually 'tis one or the other. If you like cats, you can't abide dogs, and vice versa.

This has been another observation from rhymeswithplague.

Myrna R. said...

I haven't had a cat since I was a child, about a hundred years ago. I hope this is just an adjustment period and the humans and the animals in your home will all learn to just get along.

Joe Todd said...

Teddy Bears cause no problems LOL.. Happy Holidays and thanks for the video. I hadn't seen it..

Robert the Skeptic said...

We had a really nice scratching post but the cat completely ignored it and used the corner of the sofa. we thought we were smart and moved the scratching post to the corner of the sofa so the cat would have to use it instead, it being in the way of the corner. The cat moved to the other corner of the sofa and shredded that.

KC said...

Snow, thanks for checking my blog although I seldom post to it anymore. Maybe Oregon did have that effect on me! I do enjoy reading other's blogs however. Your blog never disappoints. It is always entertaining and most often thought provoking. Thanks for that.

Bubba said...

Very funny! I wouldn't be surprised if evolution takes cats to a point where they, not us, are ruling the planet.

nollyposh said...

Hee! Hee! THAT's a cat for ya! X;-)

rhymeswithplague said...

Just because books abound on how to manage cats doesn't mean you can manage cats. It only means that people who write books about managing cats have found a way to enrich their bank accounts by taking money from people desperate to manage cats.

Snowbrush said...

Rhymes said: "Just because books abound on how to manage cats doesn't mean you can manage cats."

Rhymes, how can you say such a thing?! I assure you that I have become a leading cat training expert in less than two weeks from reading alone. Of course, I haven't had time to put much of what I learned into practice, but my cup is overflowing with confidence.

Rhymes said: "It only means that people who write books about managing cats have found a way to enrich their bank accounts by taking money from people desperate to manage cats."

Such jaded cynicism is tragic beyond words in one so young and beautiful.

citygirl said...

Congratulations! You've gotten yourself a totally normal cat!

Be glad he's not any bigger, or he'd constantly be trying to eat you.