How to Keep a Lid on Your Pussy in Twelve Easy Steps


When I got Brewsky 18 months ago, I resolved to rid him of those failings that are so regrettably common to both cats and women, things like vanity, aloofness, selfishness, disloyalty, obsessive grooming, and a perverse refusal to obey simple commands. In short, I resolved to do with him what I have failed to do with Peggy after 42 years of unrelenting effort—I resolved to make him into a good dog in the hope that he would serve as an inspiration to her.

He is only influenced by immediate punishment, and even then the effects only last two or three minutes, after which he returns to doing the same thing for which he was punished. This is where technology is useful. For example, I installed an alarm system to keep him off the kitchen countertop. When I leave the room, I flick a switch and if he jumps up on the counter while I’m away, three diesel-strength airhorns emit 185 decibels of sound simultaneously. Except for urine on the countertop, cabinet doors, and sometimes the ceiling, this works amazingly well because he knows he can’t wear down technology the way he wears down flesh and blood people who have more to do in life than control a recidivistic cat.

Breaking him from burying his shit has proven to be a greater challenge. As I observed him in his toilet one morning, I reflected upon how pointless it was for him to bury that which I would have to dig up anyway, so I resolved to cure him of the habit. To accomplish this, I began carrying his litter box to whatever part of the house I was in, and when he would start to bury his poop, I would run at him screaming while using my Deluge-a-Kitty Water Cannon™  to knock him right out of the box and into whatever wall, chair, or table was within his line of travel. Now, he only shits in his litter box when I’m asleep or away from home. The rest of the time, he shits on my pillow. On the one hand, I have been largely successful in preventing him from burying his poop, but on the other, things haven’t worked out quite like I planned.  

I have also had excellent results in getting him to sleep during the night instead of keeping me awake by miaowing loudly while running full-tilt throughout the house (after which which he would sleep all day while I stumbled drowsily into walls). My method consists basically of locking him in a room with a vacuum cleaner everyday (he’s terrified of vacuums), and connecting the vacuum to a timer so that it will turn on for a few moments every fifteen minutes. Now, he’s the one who stumbles drowsily into walls, only he does so at night while I'm sleeping peacefully.

These are just a few examples of the kind of work I have done with him and the outstanding success I have achieved. If you would like further ideas, feel free to buy my $30 book How to Keep a Lid on Your Pussy in Twelve Easy Steps. You will find it anywhere good books are sold, which basically means that if you'll send me a check (certified only, please), I’ll send you a link to a Word document.

In closing, I feel it only fair to inform you that Brewsky appears to be losing his mind, as you might have guessed from his haunted expression. He cries piteously for hours, drools, refuses to eat or groom himself, and spends his every waking moment staring in transfixed horror at the same empty spot on Peggy’s bed. I suspect that the problem is hereditary, but since he was a shelter cat (I wanted a dog, but Brewksy was half-price so I got him instead), I have no idea who his parents were, so this is mostly conjecture based upon the absence of environmental stressors.

24 comments:

Helen said...

I think I laughed through every word of this ... OMG his face says it all!

All Consuming said...

"I feel it only fair to inform you that Brewsky appears to be losing his mind, as you might have guessed from his haunted expression. He cries piteously for hours, drools, refuses to eat or groom himself, and spends his every waking moment staring in horrified fascination at the same empty spot on Peggy’s bed." - this is you not Brewsky, am I right? Eh? I am aren't I? I thought so.....
Hahahaha, brilliant post, tickled me completely. x

The Blog Fodder said...

Too funny. Thanks for a great read and an ear to ear smile.

Winifred said...

That was absolutely great! It will be a best seller I'm sure.

Snowbrush said...

Thanks, all. A friend had a good idea for exercising a cat. His proposal was to build a machine that would throw their kibbles one at a time in different directions.

ellen abbott said...

a lady I know has two savannah cats. you think you have your hands full with Brewsky? ha! the most recent antic is dropping their hidden stash of jolly ranchers left over from halloween in the water dish so that they dissolve and then complaining that the water tastes funny.

rhymeswithplague said...

You managed to be simultaneously hilarious and despicable, a feat few have ever achieved. The cat's expression in the photograph accompanying the post speaks volumes. The eyes tell it all. When you least suspect it and are thinking all is well, the goon squad of the A.S.P.C.A. will be in your neighborhood to draw and quarter you.

Snowbrush said...

"the most recent antic is dropping their hidden stash of jolly ranchers left over from halloween in the water dish so that they dissolve and then complaining that the water tastes funny."

Don't you ever try a new drink flavor and then not like it? I would suggest that your present these obviously creative cats with various kinds of drink bases and flavoring choices and seeing what they would come up with (cats invented both Coke and Pepsi, you know). The sheer magnitude of ribald naming options suggests that interest would be considerable.

"the goon squad of the A.S.P.C.A. will be in your neighborhood to draw and quarter you.'

I think we need a lot more involvement in how we treat animals, which is why I support PETA.

Charles Gramlich said...

A staggering work of breathtaking genius!

lotta joy said...

By your description of him in the last paragraph, I'd say you've won the war and actually turned him into a canine!

Now, as for the litter problem: just put his litter box on the countertop. :-)

kylie said...

speechless!
xx

middle child said...

Well written. But forgive me if I don't ask you to babysit any of my pets. Peace.

Murr Brewster said...

A most excellent post. And when you give up blogging, I think we know who will fill your shoes.

OneOldGoat said...

Loved it! Great post :)

rhymeswithplague said...

You are the only high-school dropout I know who uses the word "recidivistic"....

Sissy said...

HaHa. Do you think Brewsky was half price because of these many "quirks"?

It appears you and he have a very active and happy existence. Makes me happy for you.

I'll purchase and study your primer first, then find a cat sale.

Thanks, Snow, for good laughter! Now excuse me while I take my digatalis.

Marion said...

That does it. I'm driving to Oregon to rescue Brewsky from you. How would you like to be sprayed with a water cannon while taking a crap? OY!!! He's so gorgeous. Please just accept that cats train humans, NOT the other way around. I have 6 cats who have me perfectly trained. (One thinks he's a dog, but that's because a dog raised him. He all but barks).

PS: Good boy, Brewsky, for shitting on your mean old Daddy's pillow. That'll teach him!!! xo

CreekHiker / HollysFolly said...

I need to pick myself up off the floor!!! Snow, you are a funny many... You are lucky to be owned by such a fine cat!

Snowbrush said...

Okay, the truth. When the above photo was made, Brewsky was "stalking" Peggy's fingers beneath the covers, so that's why his eyes look like they do. As to how cruelly he is treated, I have to lure him out of bed everyday with a snack, and once I get the bed made, and he gets back on it, I have to cover him with a towel so he won't get chilled. If this is abuse, so be it, but I really don't know what more I could do for him unless I hire him a servant, and you will surely agree that this would be excessive.

edifice rex said...

A wonderfully funny post! I have a cat that treats me about the same way!

Marion said...

Thank God. I see he DOES have you trained. I was pretty sure this was tongue-in-cheek, but you never know. Gotta look out for those cute pussies out there. LMAO! Thanks for the laugh, Snow. My husband cracked up when he read it, too. xoxo

Kerry said...

I grew up with cats. I like cats. I may foster a cat or two this summer. But I think you may have set me back 2 years as far as replacing our #@%! cat who disappeared a couple of years ago. What a shit-head he was, but he never pooped on my pillow.

Sissy said...

What a beautiful face! I can see Brewsky is all CAT - cats with all their tricks. They can sure give one more laughs than a dozen dogs. I know - I'm a pet pro from way back. By cricky, I have to get a kitten and liven up my life.

Robin said...

Snow...as you will see by the oh-so-astute comments of your readers....we are *on to you*....plus, we *Know Brewsky*...
This little striped bundle of energy now runs the house - and he has complete control of your ♥! Oh yes, he does....

Great post thought....you are a wonderful writer!!!!

Love to all 4,

♥ Robin ♥