Snowbrush's happy outing that ended disappointedly


I saw Satan today while eating a granola bar in front of Jerry’s Lumber Company (and, no, I’m not trying to fool you into thinking that pink taffy is a granola bar). He was a distinguished looking man of 70 in black pants, black shoes, a black coat, a black fedora, and carrying a black mug. I wanted to yell out the window, “Hey, Satan, is hell still under a heat advisory?” but was afraid it would embarrass him, what with it being commonly known that Satan is a shy demon. What did he look like? He looked like an open and cuddly version of Dick Cheney. (During the reign of GW Bush, I sometimes wondered if Satan was dyadic, with Bush being Dumb Transparent Satan, and Cheney being Sadistic Conniving Satan, and them both being bloodthirsty because they hate one another and take it out on us.)

Finished with my granola bar, I went into the store and specifically into the store’s male restroom where I sat down to rest with the hope (but not the prayer) that no one would come in and stink the place up. While I rested, I got to thinking as follows: Peggy has never let me teach her the first thing about managing her own finances…. Peggy’s refusal to learn about finances means that I control every penny Peggy has including her workplace retirement. Peggy can’t even get into her own accounts without my help…. My next blogpost will definitely say: “Hello from sunny Acapulco. I took Peggy’s money and ran away with a twenty-year-old blond called Taffy because her limbs are so charmingly flexible. ‘You couldn’t get a twenty year old,’ you say? Ha! With Peggy’s money and my drugs, I would say that I made-out okay. Hee, hee, hee.”

Done resting, I left the restroom and proceeded, first west, then north, and then west again into the main part of the store where I headed (as I always do, no matter what I’m really there for) down the indoor and the outdoor plant aisles, talking friendly-like to the plants while people stared admiringly. I don’t buy indoor plants anymore, because I don’t have room for the ones I already own, but I saw a Rex Begonia, and I just knew I was going to make an exception, and I was right (it’s a lucky plant that comes home with me, unless it dies).
When Rex and I got to the checkout, the 20-year-old blonde checker said that Rex Begonias are her favorite plant, and that’s when I heard the theme music from The Twilight Zone because I knew that her and me coming together like that had to be more than a coincidence, and I became a theist on the spot. Right away, I knew I should leave Peggy and marry that woman, but then I remembered Peggy’s money which I hadn’t stolen yet. Then, I got to wondering if maybe the woman’s name was Taffy. “Are you Taffy?” I asked. “No, but my boss calls me Daffy because customers often complain that I charged them twice for the same item.” Upon hearing this, I went back to being an atheist and drove home embittered.

I could rattle off stuff like the above constantly because it portrays how my brain actually operates as I overlay reality with imagination, something which I do all day long

29 comments:

rhymeswithplague said...

First of all, there is no cuddly version of Dick Cheney.

Second of all, it is a very good thing that you went into the store's male restroom.

Third of all, I definitely believe you spend your days fantasizing about twenty-year-old blonds called Taffy whose limbs are charmingly flexible.

Fourth of all, Rex Begonia sounds like a character on The Young and the Restless, one of which you are and one of which you are definitely not.

Fifth of all, I do not know many people who can tell they are proceeding west, then north, then west again inside a big-box store.

Sixth of all, theists usually find out if a woman is already married before they decide to marry her.

Seventh of all, T and D are practically interchangeable according to Grimm's Law, which has to do with the permutation of consonants throughout the Indo-European family of languages, so Taffy and Daffy are the same thing.

Conclusion: You should put more stock in your rest-room fantasies than in your revolving-door approach to theism and atheism, and vice cersa.

PhilipH said...

Were you 'under the influence' of some sort Snowy?
Why did you go to this shop in the first place?
What's a rest-room? We call 'em khazis or just bogs.
And what about this phrase: "I knew that her and me coming together like that..." just seems a tad 'awkward' to me.
I would probably have written ...'she and I ..."
Aside from all that I found it a good example of how one's mind can ramble along quite happily.

The Elephant's Child said...

Oh my. Living inside your head would be a lot of things - but never dull.
Our front veranda is lined with tuberose begonias and at the moment I trot along them each day telling them how beautiful they are. And I neither lie nor exaggerate.

All Consuming said...

"Hello from sunny Acapulco. I took Peggy’s money and ran away with a twenty-year-old blond called Taffy because her limbs are so charmingly flexible." - Hahahahaha, brilliant. You have me laughing away here dearie, I'd put nothing beyond you either *laughs some more. x

Snowbrush said...

"...theists usually find out if a woman is already married before they decide to marry her."

Do you mean to say that this is something male theists do that female theists don't? Let me put it to you this way--I've rarely had sex with an atheist, so although theists might prefer to wed a single person, they're not usually overly devoted to the "sanctity of marriage" school of thought when it comes to having sex, when they're married, with someone who is also married.

"Were you 'under the influence' of some sort Snowy?"

No more than usual. Was it something I said? Was it everything I said?

"What's a rest-room? We call 'em khazis or just bogs."

You Brits poop on people from Kazakhstan or, if none of them are around, you use bogs, yet you ask ME if I'M on drugs?

""' knew that her and me coming together like that..." just seems a tad 'awkward' to me.'"

I sympathize. It's the difference between wanting to sound like I (and a lot of people) talk versus wanting to sound like I (and a all people) should talk.

"I would probably have written ...'she and I ...'"

If it were an English test, I would have too, but then, had I been you, I would have written, "I probably would have" instead of I would probably have." Maybe where you live, the usage is a little different.

"Our front veranda is lined with tuberose begonias and at the moment I trot along them each day telling them how beautiful they are. And I neither lie nor exaggerate."

Peggy's not a potted-plant person, but she will sometimes go around to all twelve of the ones that are in my bedroom and kiss them and talk to them. I said that she should do the same for the cacti in the den, but she demurred.

"I'd put nothing beyond you either"

You're a wise woman because quite a few people don’t understand my sense of humor, and some have been offended by it.

Last night, Peggy and I were watching a show about the two space-shuttles that blew up. Reagan was shown making a speech that was meant to be consoling and uplifting, but which I considered overly theatrical and schmaltzy, so, unaware that Peggy was teary-eyed, I laughed, and it upset her. I like your new photo with Lardie, by the way.

Snowbrush said...

"Why did you go to this shop in the first place?"

Sorry I missed answering this. Jerry's is a large local building supply company, and one of the things I would greatly miss if I ever left Eugene. I went there to look at flooring because we're going to be reflooring most of our house soon.

Snowbrush said...

" theists usually find out if a woman is already married before they decide to marry her.

I need to say a little more about your suggestion that we atheists are sexually indiscriminate. Yes, some of are, it is true, but then most of us aren't, and that's also true. The bottom truth is that I don't believe for a moment that theists are any more or less likely to be one way or the other in regard to any moral issue, because my observation about people is that if they want to do something badly enough, they'll find some rationale to justify doing it regardless of their thoughts about God. At the very least, if they're theistic, they'll figure on apologizing to God later on, saying, "Forgive me, Lord, in the name of Jesus who shed his innocent blood for me, a sinner." I remember, as a Protestant kid, all the time hearing that Catholics were dirty lowdown buggers who figured they could do any rotten they wanted because all they had to do was to get the priest to forgive them. Later, it occurred to me that we Protestants had it even easier because we didn't have to see a priest to be forgiven. It's also true that--and think about this--that when you hear about some preacher or politician being caught in a sex scandal, it's NEVER an atheist preacher or politician; it's ALWAYS a believer, and usually a believer who built his career on vilifying the very thing that he was caught doing. Now, you might point out that there ARE NO American atheist preachers or politicians, making my comparison unwarranted, but I would simply warn you against changing the subject.

CreekHiker / HollysFolly said...

Oh Snow, I needed a good laugh today! Thanks! I do like your stream of consciousness - it reminds me of my own!

Stephen Hayes said...

I don't believe in the devil but if I did it would be easy imagining him looking like Dick Cheney.

Myrna R. said...

I can't imagine that you really imagine leaving Peggy. I don't know her, but I've had a glimpse of you and I know she's worth five 20 year olds, and all the money in the bank not just her retirement fund.
That's how my mind worked when I read this. Smiles.

Strayer said...

I saw this car a few years ago with a bumper sticker that said Cheney/Satan 2012.

Lorraina said...

I've been away from the plant scene for way too long cuz when i saw your begonia i heard the twilight zone song and need to know is it real or photoshopped? The phrase you used sounded strange to me cuz i think i'm getting used to hearing people say "she and myself" which is really weird as i also believe it should be "she and i" but then wtf; we all knew what you meant and it also didn't have "look" or "listen" or "i mean" in front of it that never seems to end the popular course it's on with the Donald saying it,even President Obama and all the lawyers on tv talking re current murder trials. I mean, listen, it's driving me crazy.But i digress.

Charles Gramlich said...

It would seem that your world is, at the least, never boring. :)

Snowbrush said...

Thanks for your kind words Hiker, Charles, and Stephen.

"Cheney/Satan 2012"

I like it. I look at those guys and think of that phrase, "the banality of evil."

"I can't imagine that you really imagine leaving Peggy."

I can't imagine that you can't imagine me imaging it, but, of course, I would never actually do it because if I took her money, she would track me down and kill me. Of all 16 Myers-Briggs personality types, Peggy's type is said to be the one most prone to physical violence, so I try not to push her too hard. So far, so good--41 years and counting.

"is it real or photoshopped?"

I usually use my own photos if possible, but I pulled this one off the Net because the photographer did a better job than I could at capturing the actual look of a very interesting plant than I could. In other words, my plant really does look like the one in the photo. Having seen how sexy this plant is, I'm thinking of changing my name to Rex Begonia, so people will think we're related.

"The phrase you used sounded strange..."

Oh, thank you. The usage that gets me are the variants of, "Me and him _______." I even hear people say it on National Public Radio interviews. How did we suddenly get so dumb that people with 20 years of formal education don't know nothing about grammar.

possum said...

Have you ever considered Buddhism?

Snowbrush said...

"Have you ever considered Buddhism?"

The Buddha didn't express a belief in God, so that's certainly an attractive feature. I like what I know of its core beliefs, but have been less impressed with the Buddhist services I've attended. My main problem with Buddhism is based upon my observation that joining an "Eastern" religion seems to require affecting an Eastern cultural identity, and from my impression that being a card-carrying Buddhist means spending hours and hours each week sitting in silence while staring at the wall. I've also noticed that reincarnation is a popular belief among all the Western Buddhists I've known, and that they're fond of hanging prayer flags around their yards. Funny how a kid can grow up believing in a thousand points of Christian dogma and throw it out the window lock, stock, and barrel in exchange for Buddhist dogma. It's impossible for me to see such things as rational, and this troubles me greatly because I find it odd enough to accept one set of unverifiable beliefs involving fantastic events and realities, but then, having accepted it, to discard it and take up another!

TICKLEBEAR said...

Glad to hear Peggy's money is still safe. A 20-year-old would be the death of you, but a happy death?!?
Not if it left Peggy behind...
;)~
HUGZ

Snowbrush said...

"A 20-year-old would be the death of you"

I think it would be a silent death since I can't imagine what we would talk about--musicians I haven't heard of, TV shows and movies that I haven't seen, or, maybe, my teenage years back in the '60s? After that, I could tell her all about Peggy, and then we could lie in bed and read.

Sonia Rodriguez said...

All I can say is LMFAO..Taffy and Daffy

The Blog Fodder said...

Thank you for making me laugh out loud this morning. And the exchanges with your commenters were hilarious too.
What do old geezers want with 20 somethings anyhow. I never could see that. Even Hefner is married again.

Marion said...

"something which I do all day long."...heh,heh! me, too! xx

Snowbrush said...

Hello, Sonia! You're not posting anymore, kiddo. I was just thinking you yesterday and wondering how you were, and then here came your very welcome comment.

Fodder, you too. Long time, no see. Welcome, my friend.

Marion, you haven't been quite as scarce lately as Sonia and Fodder, but it was fun getting three comments in a row from people who used to comment about my every post, but who don't comment as often anymore. I was thrilled to hear from all of you.

schmidleysscribblins.com said...

Undoubtedly, Rex is the king of begonias. Love them. Dianne

Heidrun Khokhar, KleinsteMotte said...

I think that fantasy is just great and that you have figured out how to blend it into your writing is superb!
Did the plant make it home? Were you billed more than once?
Embittered! Really??

Helen said...

Another hysterical bit of Snow this evening ~ If Rex Begonia were to be your new identity/alter ego ... what would we call Ms. Peggy?

Mim said...

Daffy Snow - I just love it

Zuzana said...

Hihi, god works in a mysterious way indeed. Ok, or rather fate does.;)
Thank you for making me giggle today, I really needed it, even though I have a happy blog, I am not always happy.;)
xoxo

Lisa said...

Regarding your comment on my blog ;Still Tuesday. Wow.
Yes,I am on a whole range of medications including a couple for depression and anxiety.
Despite what I write on my blog at times mostly i am in very good shape emotionally, mentally.
Its the nightmares that do me in- I can go months without one and then have them every night for a week. It is just part of a process of overcoming childhood abuse.
The verse included on that post just resonated with me as to how I felt ( or did'nt feel) when things were really bad.
I am okay and I love that you care , Lisa x

Helen said...

.. answering my own question ~~~
Ruby Begonia!

Hope your Saturday is a good one. We had a light dusting of snow overnight in Bend. Mountains are getting dumped on! Sunny and clear this morning (in case you were the least bit curious)