The truth about Peggy, or at least a start


I have grown, over the decades, to hate cleaning house. When I tell Peggy that I hate cleaning house, she says that there is a lot that she hates about her nursing job, but she has to do it, and so it is that I have to clean house, so I might want to work on being less whiny about it. Hearing this helps me tremendously, but I invariably forget and have to be reminded a few times a year. I can’t say that she seems happy to remind me, but I trust her to do it, and she has never let me down.

By the way, have I ever mentioned that Peggy can’t find her way around town after 25 years of living here? Directions to the most basic destinations are as mysterious to her as are the pottery patterns of the Zhou Dynasty, but Peggy’s mind isn’t just steeped in mystery, it’s drowned in irony. For example—and in regard to her not knowing directions—Peggy always wants to drive when we’re together. Most of the time, I wouldn’t care who drove, but I can’t relax when she’s driving because as soon as I think that, surely, she knows to turn right just the other side of the Alaska Bush Company Gentlemen’s Club, she doesn’t turn right just the other side of the Alaska Bush Company Gentlemen’s Club, and we have to go back. It’s also true that her driving scares the bejesus out of me, a fact by which she seems much amused.

Peggy has other, shall we say, features, that I might allude to while I’m at it. Peggy is intimidated by credit card scanners, so she gave me the job of making sure she always has cash in her billfold. Why she is intimidated by credit card scanners, God only knows (said the atheist with the curly horn), but she generally avoids shopping partly for this reason but also because all she ever wants are buttons, and she can get those from her button cronies who act like pusher/druggies would act if pusher/druggies were addicted to clothing buttons instead of heroin. Peggy is also intimidated by airplanes and spiders. If she’s not worried about an airplane falling with her, she’s worried about one falling on her. Her idea of hell would be eternal entrapment in a burning airplane filled with panicking tarantulas.

Peggy is going away tomorrow for four days. I will be happy, but I would be just as happy if she stayed home. Peggy says it hurts her feelings that I don’t suffer when she’s gone. Peggy also says that she too would like to be alone sometimes, but she can’t because I never go anywhere. This hurts my feelings because of the way she used to bitch when I spent months at a time traveling all over the country having sex with other women. Now she’s bitching because I never go anywhere?! I told her that, look Peggy, I’ll give you some time alone; I’ll put a tent up in the backyard, and you can stay out there all you want. When I went out to put the tent up, she wouldn’t let me back in. Peggy is a lot harder to get along with than any woman has a right to be. I often tell her that if a beautiful and generous rich woman comes along, she can kiss her marriage goodbye, but she just laughs. 

19 comments:

Lisa said...

Ah, marriage.
The good the bad and the ugly.
lol
Peggy sounds a lot like me.
Are all wives the same in the eyes of men ?
Marriage humour indeed lol x

Snowbrush said...

"Are all wives the same in the eyes of men?"

Some better, some worse. Younger women are more compliant (at least Peggy was), and that's nice, but the 40 year age difference between myself and today's younger women might present a problem.

Truthfully, this man certainly does not see women as being the same. I don't particularly like (or dislike) most women, but then I don't particularly like (or dislike) most men, there not being enough common ground between us. Peggy and I get along pretty good together, and I truly feel forry for longterm couples who can't say the same.

Helen said...

You have a delightful way of drawing laughter from me ~~ thank you. I needed it today as I've learned my 52 year old son and daughter-in-law I love are divorcing. No children, second marriages, almost fourteen years. I am sad. Thank Peggy for me too.

Kerry said...

Oh man, you two are hilarious. Enjoy your 4 days! For 31/2 of them you don't have to do any cleaning whatsoever!
Have you ever been to the Alaska Bush Gentleman's Club? Sounds like you have the perfect opportunity this weekend.

CreekHiker / HollysFolly said...

"Her idea of hell would be eternal entrapment in a burning airplane filled with panicking tarantulas."


I think it would also have to require her to scan a credit card every three minutes!

Good one Snow! Your Peggy is something! Hope she has a blast!

Stephen Hayes said...

Does Peggy read your blog? If so you're a brave man.

Mim said...

I like Peggy.

Charles Gramlich said...

so what's a few idiosyncrasies among a husband and wife?

Snowbrush said...

Helen, I'm so sorry to hear about your son's divorce.

"Have you ever been to the Alaska Bush Gentleman's Club? Sounds like you have the perfect opportunity this weekend."

No, I haven't, and as for Peggy's time away (she comes home this evening from her button convention in Kaiser), I have cleaned house thoroughly (that took two days), taken off a truckload of limbs, brought back a truckload of soil, and did a lot of yardwork. Part of what I like about Peggy being gone is that I can get so much done because I don't have to work around her preferences or schedule.

"Does Peggy read your blog?"

Yes, Peggy does read my blog. She reads every post and nearly every response.

Strayer said...

You two are so quirky you're supremely interesting.

PhilipH said...

Housework is THE most rotten chore in the universe. The older I get the lazier I get. I do virtually all the chores: cooking, washing up, gardening (which I now detest) and sundry other jobs.
Meal times are, in my opinion, just stupid. I sometimes don't want a lunch or dinner but 'er indoors seems to need this daily ritual. Why not eat when you feel you want to?
It's all such a troublesome rigmarole; not worth the effort. I could happily live on noodles, or beans on toast, or soup.
What's the bloody point of all this kerfuffling work? A hermit's life for me - if possible!

Linda said...

I love the way you love her idiosyncrasies and deal with it. I am good with directions when I can remember right from left. It actually hurts my brain to have to figure it out each time I have that right/left decision to make. I rarely get lost, but I do turn the wrong way when using directions.

Snowbrush said...

"I sometimes don't want a lunch or dinner but 'er indoors seems to need this daily ritual...I could happily live on noodles, or beans on toast, or soup."

I too could enjoy simpler more repetitive fare. Except for breads and vegetarian soups and stews, I don't usually enjoy cooking, and the advantage of those items is that many meals worth can be made while watching a movie in the evening. In fact, one of the things I like about being alone is that I can do just that. During her latest absence, I watched one Randolph Scott Western movie and sixteen "Have Gun Will Travel" TV shows while I cleaned the kitchen, cooked, ate, and did dishes.

"I am good with directions when I can remember right from left."

I find that it's much easier to go by compass directions, if only because compass directions don't change, whereas right and left change every time I turn to one side or the other. If you tell me to go north six blocks and then turn east, I can visualize doing that (as if on a map), whereas if you say go right and then go left, the rights and lefts tend to run together and confuse me. I also find that using compass directions help me to stay oriented. For instance, if I know that such-and-such is roughly a certain distance west of one landmark and somewhat south of another, I can usually come out okay by simply proceeding in those directions for the estimated distances. I try to encourage Peggy to use compass directions, but she assures me without trying them that they wouldn't help.

"I love the way you love her idiosyncrasies"

If she were to write about mine, I'm unsure what she would say, whereas I think she could predict what I would say about her. Maybe this just means that I complain more, although I doubt it. It's also true that I don't "love her idiosyncrasies" equally. For example, I have a great deal of trouble with the fact that she nearly always underestimates how long something will take to do (and therefore leaves late for appointments, takes on more than she can accomplish, etc.), and I also have trouble with her perfectionism when it's applied to my work (no matter how hard I try, it's rare that she is without criticism).

All Consuming said...

"all she ever wants are buttons" - an easily pleased woman there, I do hope you get her suprise ones, leave them around the house for her to find like treasure. "Peggy also says that she too would like to be alone sometimes, but she can’t because I never go anywhere. This hurts my feelings because of the way she used to bitch when I spent months at a time traveling all over the country having sex with other women." - Hahahahaha, this whole post has had me in stitches, and that's very much just what I needed, so thank you for being so hilarious in your day to day life. *falls about again.

kj said...

Strayer 's comment is what I would have said if I had thought of it first. Oh yes :-)

Snowbrush said...

"'all she ever wants are buttons" - an easily pleased woman there"

I thought so too until she started filling legal-size cabinets with them. She bought a long-term collector's entire collection last year, and vowed--falsely as it turned out--that she wouldn't need to buy any more buttons for a long, long time.

"Strayer 's comment is what I would have said if I had thought of it first."

Which means that both of you would have suggested that the two of us are quirky when it's obvious to any impartial observer that I'm normal. This no doubt means that you and Strayer are quirky and therefore mistake quirkiness in others for normality. I think you and she should move in with Peggy and me because the three of you would get along famously. Better yet, Peggy can move in with you.

The Blog Fodder said...

I have noticed a number of similarities between Ella and Tanya and have wondered if it was just the luck of the draw. Your Peggy sounds wonderful; you deserve each other.
And I agree compass directions are useful because they are fixed.

Linda said...

Compass directions! ??? You are making me feel queasy. Then, every time I turn, the compass directions are changing around me. At least my right and left are always in the same place if I can figure it out which hand is right and which is left.

Indoors or on a cloudy day, I have no clue as to compass directions. If someone told me to turn north or south, I would either come to a dead stop or just keep going straight. Either would give me time to figure it out by finding the sun. Or NOT.

See, my mind is going all to mush just thinking about it. Not all my mind goes to mush, just a portion, and can feel it acutely.

Robin said...

I like Peggy too! The photo is perfect!

Love to all three,

♥ Robin ♥