Transexuality in cats



Ollie, our four month old male, is making a determined effort to nurse Brewsky, our five year old male. I don’t know how Brewsky can bear it since Ollie has teeth, but his only response is to descend into what looks very much like a coma while Ollie slurps and pumps for all he’s worth. As a strong and confident heterosexual male, my gender identity is naturally dependent upon the behavior of my neutered pets, so I find this sort of thing extremely disturbing.

Nurse Peggy speculated that if Ollie nurses long enough, Brewsky might actually produce milk. I asked her if she would taste it, and she said she would, so I found this equally disturbing because it can only mean that she considers cats more erotic than men, although I must confess that I too wonder how cat milk tastes, and whether male cat milk tastes different from female cat milk. I just know that I would have to sample it in the afternoon (I’m nauseous in the mornings), especially if it was male cat milk, and even then, I would worry that I might like it so much that I would end up with a houseful of lactating cats and a refrigerator full of cat-milk cheese.

Ollie is also starting to look a little cross-eyed, and, combined with his insistence on nursing Brewsky, this probably means that cross-eyed cats are transsexual. As many of you know, my father was transsexual (though not cross-eyed) so for Ollie to be this way too proves that the universe hates me.

One downside of cats is that you have to look at their assholes a lot because they’re forever turning their butts in your direction while hoisting their tails like fulsomely furry flagless flagpoles. Peggy and I have noted that Ollie has an outie asshole, and this too is hard to accept because it just looks wrong somehow, and probably means that he’s a transsexual. I thought about cutting the tendon in his tail so that I wouldn’t have to look at his ass, but Peggy said that, if he couldn’t raise his tail, he would probably poop on it.

I think Ollie looks like Ramses III, and Peggy’s friend, Ilse (who neither I nor Peggy had mentioned this to) also thinks he looks like a pharaoh. On top of his gender issues, the thought of having a dead pharaoh wandering about the house is about to push me over the edge because I never know but what Ollie might start looking more like Ramses and less like Ollie and end up with Ramses’ face and brain on Ollie’s body. Every morning, I look at him to see if he’s changed, but all I can tell for sure is that his legs are getting longer and his walk indecently wiggly, and this makes me worry that he’ll want pantyhose.

A Canadian university recently proved that domestic cats would eat their owners if they could get away with it, and this makes me wonder if it’s safe to sleep with Brewsky and Ollie since they could synchronize an attack in order to take out my eyes before I could wake-up.

Ollie and Brewsky are still having hellacious fights, although assaults would be more accurate. Tiny though he is, Ollie will sometimes attack Brewsky viciously, but all Brewsky does is to bathe him while he’s doing it. Yesterday, I watched Brewsky lick a paw, the nails of which were sunk into his nose, and I got to wondering if Brewsky is a sexual masochist. Still, if Ollie hurts him enough, Brewsky will meow (in pervert lingo, that’s what’s known as a “safe sign”), and this tells Ollie that he had better stop NOW if he doesn’t want to piss Brewsky off. Believe me, even I wouldn’t want to piss Brewsky off because he spends about an hour a day tossing cat litter all over the room for no reason that I can see other than to build muscles. The only thing that keeps Brewsky from hurting me as it is, is that I run away every time he walks in my direction, and he’s too lazy to jump onto my back and sink his teeth into my trachea, so he licks his butt instead. Even when Brewsky acts harmless, I can’t be sure but what he’s planning to kill me as a gift to his nymphet lover.

Brewsky also attacks Ollie, but Ollie’s response is decidedly un-sangfroid. In fact he screams like a little girl who’s being hacked to death by a motorcycle gang of hairy-chested priests, and this makes me wonder if he too is a sexual masochist. Peggy thinks we should stop these attacks, but I’m adamantly opposed to it, partly because I’m afraid of Brewsky, but also because I need to trust that Brewsky is being a good father to his adopted son. Of course, would a good father let his son nurse, bite his ears, and claw his nose? I don’t know whether to take my boys to a shrink or buy them Barbie Dolls. In the old days, the choice would have been clear, but now that everyone who’s not a white, heterosexual male is considered normal, the shrink might say that I’m the one who needs a shrink, and I’m too overwrought to listen to such foolishness.

My only other options are to either return Ollie to the adoption agency or pack-up and leave home. I waited so long that if I do the first, they won’t give me my money back, plus I’ve spent $200 treating the little shit’s diarrhea. Leaving home isn’t a great option either because I would have to buy a new place, and because people would laugh at me for letting myself be run out of my home by two cats that are considered emotionally healthy by the Cat Sexuality and Gender Identity Division of the American Psychological Association

I saw a news story about a black man who tried to have his pitbull put to death because he thought the dog was gay (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=820YNwI-tWA). He said he wanted a bad-ass dog that would protect him family, but what he got was a fag-ass piece of shit who only cared about making love to attackers. The whole country laughed at him, and only now do I understand what the poor man must have suffered.

On a lighter note, here’s a video that was made when Smokie (our foster cat) was here. It’s the first personal video that I’ve ever posted. Be sure your sound is up so you won’t miss our talk and Ollie’s purring, and that you watch the whole thing so as not to miss the hissing at the end.

video



36 comments:

kylie said...

you're a funny man!

the kitten in pants photo belongs in one of those slideshows of cats doing crazy stuff

xo

Elephant's Child said...

Love that purr.
And Peggy's and your voice too.

PhilipH said...

An unusual post .. weird? Or what?

Drink cat milk? Pewky indeed.

Didn't notice any violence at the end of the video,

Charles Gramlich said...

Now that was entertaining.

All Consuming said...

This post has had me laughing so much, and so hugely smiling and entertained that I thank you both very much - barring the part about the guy who wanted to kill his dog - moron- and the violence. The cat-milk drinking is no different to the weirdness of drinking any animals milk apart from your mothers folks. I could pick out so many lines I enjoyed, but the title and this tickled me most - "he screams like a little girl who’s being hacked to death by a motorcycle gang of hairy-chested priests, and this makes me wonder if he too is a sexual masochist".

Absolutely loved the video, and the pictures are brilliant. A picture of Snow with his pants down and a little pussy between his legs. It doesn't get much better than that. X

Snowbrush said...

“Didn't notice any violence at the end of the video,”

Indeed, it was simply a threat of violence. I must change that.

“ A picture of Snow with his pants down and a little pussy between his legs.”

The legs weren’t mine, and for future reference, here’s how you can tell. In the enlarged view (you might need a magnifying glass) please note the following: the legs are shaved, and I don’t shave; the underwear are panties, and I don’t wear panties (boldly colored boxers mostly); the legs are composed of womanly softness, whereas my legs are characterized by hairy, rippling, awe-inspiring musculature ( and age spots). Something else that you would have no way of knowing is that I don’t drop my drawers all the way to the floor because, manly man that I am, I have to be constantly ready to rush out and save one or more damsels, a feat that is much harder to accomplish when my pants are down to my ankles.

“he part about the guy who wanted to kill his dog”

I couldn’t find the original interview, which was priceless because the man was so angry that he had bought what he thought was a killing machine, but that every time he turned around, his “killing machine” was riding some other dog’s back. What he didn’t know was that his dog wasn’t displaying homosexuality but dominance, which meant that the man had gotten the very thing he paid for, but was too blinded by homophobia see. The real kicker was that he didn’t just want to let his dog go to another home; he wanted it dead. At least, he wasn’t wicked enough to kill it himself.

THINGS YOU'D NEVER GUESS ABOUT ME said...

I've always known that cats will eat their dead owners, versus dogs who will follow their dead owners to the grave and continue to protect them. Although I always knew MY cats would treat my dead body with respect and reverence.

Joe always missed it when Lucky (our Bichon) got too big to sit inside his shorts when he was in the bathroom

.......Otherwise, you think about sex too much.

Helen said...

So ~~~ are you telling us those are Peggy's legs?

Snowbrush said...

“are you telling us those are Peggy's legs?”

Funny you should ask that because Peggy also inquired about the identity of the owner of those legs. I tried to pass it off by saying that, if she really doesn't remember that they're hers, she should cut back on her drinking, but she reminded me that she doesn’t drink, so I then suggested that she be checked for dementia, and that seems to have worked, only now she’s sitting around crying all the time because she thinks she’s losing her mind.

Sparkling Red said...

LOL, aw, the little perverts are adorable! I'll have to remember that "meow" is the safety word - that might come in handy. Too bad Smokie wasn't welcome at the Purr Party.

I can offer a solution to one of your problems. Attach flags to the end of your cats' tails, to take advantage of their fulsomely flag-pole-like posture. If you can find a couple of pretty, even sparkly flags, that might serve to distract your eye from the less pleasant view of puckered cat-anus. (A view with which I am most abundantly familiar.)

kj said...

well, this is a sufficiently weird post to welcome my absence from blogging!

if it were me i would intervene with the fights. from the sound of it, it seems like both cats have equal weight and status so it's a fair fight; is that right?

of course here's a sentence that caught my attention: "now that everyone who’s not a white, heterosexual male is considered normal…" which is to say there was a time when non white, gay, lesbian and transgender folks, and women were not considered normal? i know plenty and plenty of people who would take issue with that! (here i go again)

i hope you are well, snow. JB's pretty sick and the worse of it is we still don't know why. a hard time….

love
kj

Snowbrush said...

“Attach flags to the end of your cats' tails, to take advantage of their fulsomely flag-pole-like posture.”

Confederate flags, maybe—they both have a lot of gray…

“if it were me i would intervene with the fights. from the sound of it, it seems like both cats have equal weight and status so it's a fair fight; is that right?”

Ollie is a four month old male that might be up to four pounds by now (he was sick with bloody diarrhea caused by at least different bugs when we got him), and Brewsky is a five year old male who weighs sixteen pounds (I don’t know why the size difference isn’t obvious in the photos). If I were a woman, I would probably be more likely to intervene (out of a sense of protectiveness), and if I were a young man, I know I would (out of a sense of needing control), but here’s how I see it. Ollie is a drama king who can be screaming bloody murder one moment and playing the next. So far, Brewsky has caused Ollie no lasting harm, and rather than being intimidated by Brewksy, Ollie has since day one been trusting and pugnacious. It’s also true that we put them in the laundry room at night so that we can sleep, and we have no idea what goes on then. As it is, they’re extremely devoted to one another, and I’m not confident that, instead of making things safer for Ollie, our intervention might not cause Brewsky to resent him. For me, it’s a case of “if it’s not broken, don’t fix it.”

“ ‘now that everyone who’s not a white, heterosexual male is considered normal…" which is to say there was a time when non white, gay, lesbian and transgender folks, and women were not considered normal?”

It wasn’t a politically correct post, for sure, and I know that I have one transgender reader, but I don’t know if he read the post or how he felt about it. However bad things used to be for others (and not so many years ago either), it is now true that because white heterosexual males were so dominant for so long, they are regarded with suspicion by many. You and I have disagreed about police killings, and maybe part of the reason for this is that our gender and sexual orientation are different. No one loses dominance without, at the very least, having mixed feelings about it, and I think that might be the case with many aging, heterosexual males, although it’s also true, that, in my case, I grew up poor and was raised by a disturbed father (whose life was made miserable by being transgender), and I’ve also suffered discrimination because I’m from the South, so it’s hardly a clean-cut difference that separates us. Some woman country singer did a song about how when people talk about white male dominance, it sure the heck didn’t apply to her coal-mining father. And so it is that who’s on top isn’t so easily identifiable, perhaps, as who’s on absolute bottom.

CreekHiker / HollysFolly said...

What a hoot Snowy! And now you are outnumbered by cats... Better make sure Peggy stays on your side!

Snowbrush said...

“Better make sure Peggy stays on your side!”

It’s boys against girls, so I rather think that it’s a matter of keeping the cats on my side! You might not know this since you’re a dog person, but girl cats have a reputation of being less user-friendly than boy cats, and this was certainly true with the one female I ever had. You had to learn where to not touch her at all, and then to not touch her for long anywhere. If I had another cat like that, I would take her to a shelter, because life is too short to put with a cat that one can never, ever trust to not go on the attack.

Beth Brown said...

All I can say about this post is that I wish I could laugh this hard at the start of every day! Hilarious!

Emma Springfield said...

Perhaps it is time to wean Ollie from the breast. Try tacos. For some reason cats seem to like them.
Funny and fun post. The video is great.

Barbara Torris said...

Yes indeed, you are a very funny man. As a cat lover I feel your pain and anxiety. We don't have a cat anymore so I don't worry about being eaten. But now I will be watching cats a lot more carefully. You have me wondering!

b+

Snowbrush said...

Peggy wanted me to point out that another way to tell that the legs belong to her is that one of them has a cat scratch. She’s a bit of nudist, and is forever doing things to cats—brushing them, clipping their nails, giving them pills, etc.—with few if any clothes on, so she naturally gets scratched more than is necessary.

"All I can say about this post is that I wish I could laugh this hard at the start of every day!"

“Perhaps it is time to wean Ollie from the breast. Try tacos. For some reason cats seem to like them.”

Women also like Mexican, I’ve noted, and my sister was a sucker for Cubans, but that would be the men rather than the food. My cats have eclectic tastes in food, and will eat more things than not. The nursing behavior is diminishing, but screams and the sound of running feet still fill the house, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m doing my best to will Ollie to be forever a kitten, or to at least not get any bigger than he is. I had wanted a small cat when we got Brewsky, but he weighs 16 without even being fat. When I see other cats as big or bigger than he is, they too are usually tabbies. Ollie is so small that if he weren’t energetic and had a good appetite, I would worry about him. Even as it is, we’re wondering at what point we should take him to the vet because he’s growing so slowly that it’s hard to even tell that he is growing.

“You have me wondering!”

Wondering what goes on in their little furry heads constitutes much of the fun of having cats.

Snowbrush said...

"All I can say about this post is that I wish I could laugh this hard at the start of every day!"

The part where I wrote, "Thank you, Beth," somehow got left over in Pages (the Apple Word Processor) where I write my responses.

Joseph Pulikotil said...

I am surprised to read from this post that male cats can produce milk. Milk is milk and I guess it will be like any other milk.

US is very kind to pets. When my son got a job in Singapore he asked the employer whether he can bring his Labrador along with his family. They refused. But when he got a job in US there was no problem in taking his dog along with his family. I don't know how he managed to transport the huge Labrador.

You know the first Bond, Sean Connery, was a hairy chested man.

Very interesting post.

Snowbrush said...

“I am surprised to read from this post that male cats can produce milk. Milk is milk and I guess it will be like any other milk.”

Joseph, I don’t know how many people took me seriously when I quoted Peggy as saying that Brewksy could, conceivably, produce milk, but it’s true, and I suppose any male mammal could do the same with sufficient nipple stimulation. As for whether male milk and female milk are equal is open to question, at least on this site: (http://www.babycenter.com/404_can-men-breastfeed_8824.bc)

I am utterly grossed out to contemplate such things. Perhaps, to some gay men, the idea of nursing another male is appealing, but even anal sex (between males) is less disturbing to me. (This is no way means that I oppose full rights for gay people.) Ironically, the more something grosses me out when men do it, the more appealing I would find doing it with a woman or with two women doing it together, at least in theory. I added the last four words because no woman ever offered me any milk, so I can’t really say how I would like it.

I thought of you when I wrote this post because you speak English better than most Americans (which isn’t saying much, come to think of it), yet it’s a second language to you. I have no second language, but I would anticipate that humor comes hard (in a second language) for those who do. I therefore wondered if this post would be at all funny to you. It seems to me that the challenge of understanding humor in a second language would be that irony is rooted more in culture than in vocabulary.

uthman saheed said...

This post is really wonderful..though funny enough to make me laugh loud. I love the gist, and I read all in between the line...I was just smiling. How are you doing?

Joseph Pulikotil said...

Have you read the novel TO KILL A MOCKING BIRD BY HARPER LEE and the novels of PG WODEHOUSE? If you have read these books you will understand what kind of humor I really like.

Snowbrush said...

“This post is really wonderful.”

Thank you. I saw a program about the current situation in Nigeria and thought of you. In fact, if I hadn’t known you, I might not have watched it, although I am interested in places that I know little about. I can’t begin to fathom life your country compared to life here in America, but then I’ve never traveled further than Canada and Mexico. I have been to 48 of the 50 US states, but none of them are anything like your country, although in terms of poverty, the area I grew up in (Mississippi) is as bad as it gets here in America.

“How are you doing?”

Nearly in hell. I live with pain, and I ran out of narcotics last week and can’t get anymore until today, so the withdrawal combined with the pain have left me in despair. Right now, I’m sitting here hurting so much that it’s hard to write. The problem with narcotics is that I need more and more of them to kill the pain, but I can’t take really high doses without endangering my health, and I can’t get them anyway. I’m now on 30 mgs of oxycodone daily (combined with other drugs), and that’s not nearly enough, which is why I ran out. I can take seventy (which is enough to kill a person who’s not used to it), and get pretty good relief, but at that rate, I go through my month’s supply in less than 15-days.

“Have you read the novel TO KILL A MOCKING BIRD…?

No, my dear Joseph, I just saw the movie, and there was no humor in it that I can recall. Of course, movies are invariably failures compared to the books they’re based upon. I understand the appeal of Wodehouse, though. My humor often consists of things that are dark or that most people just don’t get. I like Borat and Silver Silverman’s stand-up comedy “movie” (though none of her TV shows). My only criteria for evaluating humor is whether I find something funny, so the only things that offend me (in the area of humor) are those things which fail in this one crucial regard. I have NO use for the current American passion for political correctness. You probably know about the recent sequel to the Harper Lee book.

Joseph Pulikotil said...

As regards first language and second language etc. we learn many languages in India. I know English, Hindi, Malayalam and Tamil. In India people speak many languages and I only know some of them. Other than the languages I have mentioned above, in India, there is Gujarathi,Marathi, Bengali, Bojpuri,Konkani, Telugu, Kannada, Assamese, Urdu,Punjabi, Bihari, Oriya etc, etc. Although, we speak different languages, follow different religions,have different customs, eat different foods, wear different dresses etc. we live as one country. Nowhere in the world you will find this unique unity in diversity.

As regards humor which is also spelled as humour by the British, your cup of tea is not my cup of tea. In my state we drink different types of tea. For instance, black tea,milk tea, tea with sugar and tea without sugar, stirred tea, unstirred tea, tea with dust, cardamon tea, ginger tea, masala tea, light tea, medium tea, strong tea and so on. We have so many tastes in just tea drinking alone. So also in humor. We can never have the same taste.

Regarding, English, we have British English, American English, Canadian English, Australian English, Indian English, African English and so on. I wonder how the Chinese,Mangols,Japanese, Taiwanese speak English. Or for that matter how the Brazilians,Argentinians,Mexicans, Columbians speak English. In India we like to sample all types of English. As a result we can never be perfect in any English. I love the way the Australians speak English.

Snowbrush said...

“we live as one country. Nowhere in the world you will find this unique unity in diversity.”

Yet, there is appalling poverty, animosity among religions, secularist bloggers being hacked to death, an absence of free speech regarding religion, and the lower status of women that sometimes results in gang rape; these being only the things that commonly make the news here. I would guess that in most any country, those who imagine unity are often blinded by not themselves being in a particularly oppressed group. For instance, in the South of my boyhood, most white people truly believed that Southern black people were happy until “outside agitators stirred them up.” Unless one is oppressed, it’s impossible to understand oppression even if one is aware that it exists.

I recently heard a Mexican on the radio deploring the fact that the US criticizes Mexican violence while being blissfully ignorant of its own violence. Even this were true, it wouldn’t negate criticism of Mexico, but he was right in that Americans find it a whole lot easier to focus on the shortcomings of other lands than to address their own problems (it’s also true that we often cause the very problems we criticize—for instance, most of those shootings in Mexico are done with guns that come from America). I think this is partially due the fact that America is becoming increasingly deadlocked and hence unable to do anything about our own problems, and this makes it easier to point the finger at others.

I will grant that your country is almost infinitely more diverse than my own, for America is unapologetically provincial (I doubt that most Americans could point to India on a map) and completely convinced that the world revolves around it by the will of God. We are also becoming increasingly divided into two extremes: Christian-conservativism versus an increasingly secular liberalism. Donald Trump is a leading example of the former in all of its ugliness (although he’s pretty low key on religion thus far), but there is no equivalent personage on the liberal side, although the bland and gutless political correctness found in universities is a leading example. I would guess that most Americans fall somewhere in the middle, but money rules in America, and the money goes to the extremes. We’ve had some Supreme Court decisions here that make it almost impossible for anyone but the rich to have a voice. My own feeling is that diversity brings more problems than benefits.

Snowbrush said...

Joseph, I should have shown more restraint in my response to you, and I apologize. After all, if I were to record everything I know about India, I might not be able to fill fifty pages and probably considerably less than fifty pages. It has simply been my personal experience that racial, political and religious diversity, have caused more harm than benefit in the America of my lifetime, so I find it difficult to imagine that significant unity has been achieved in a place that is much more diverse than America.

Joseph Pulikotil said...

We are the largest democracy in the world, we have the second largest population in the world, we have six national parties and forty nine regional parties and sever other small parties. We are a developing country and millions are poor and illiterate. Politicians are highly corrupt and corruption runs from top to bottom. So you can can the problems that India has to face.

billy pilgrim said...

lazarus long - never try to out-stubborn a cat.

joseph, any plans to mothball the coal fired power plants in india?

Friko said...

Urgent therapy needed for the two of you, never mind the cats.
It’ll cost thousands and years of your lives.

Snowbrush said...

“joseph, any plans to mothball the coal fired power plants in india?”

I don’t know if this is a question or a jab, but Joseph admitted that India has serious problems—as do all countries, I would guess. I’ve been wondering if it’s easier to have unity in a country like India with so many religions and parties or easier in a country like the US that only has one strong religion and two strong parties.

Of my readers who leave comments, Joseph might well be the one with whom I disagree most, and this makes me value him highly. We have a bit of a history by now, and I’m happy that we both chose to hang in there when so many people would have gone away mad.

“Urgent therapy needed for the two of you, never mind the cats.”

Peggy certainly does, but I clearly have no need. Besides, I gave up therapists (oh, yes, I used to go). They would look at me and say, “Now, here’s what your problem is,” and I would look them and think, “And HERE’S what YOUR problem is.” I finally decided that no one is going to get inside my head by virtue of taking money for it.

billy pilgrim said...

it was and is a question. i have no beefs with joseph.

we in the west only know what our media feeds us about other parts of the world and most news feeds are sanitized by their corporate sponsor.

BBC said...

Hum...

carol l mckenna said...

Much Ado ~ yet cats seem normal and happy wight their ~

Wishing you the love and magic of the season,
artmusedog and carol

Joseph Pulikotil said...

Snow, I greatly appreciate the your kind words. At no time I thought I will lose your friendship.

billy, In my spare time I watch BBC,CNN and AL Jazeera other than our local TV news. This gives me the opportunity to get to know different views. Nevertheless, I can also be irrational at times.

Since we have been brought up in different parts of the world under different conditions, we are bound to have different views on many things. But that doesn't mean we cannot be good friends.

I believe that human beings by nature are quarrelsome and generally don't agree with each other except under special circumstances.

Best wishes

Ginny said...

They are so cute! Cats seem to do that more as a comfort thing. I know my cat tries to do that when he's on my lap but to my pants or shirt. I tell him my clothes are dry but he doesn't seem to care.