A Respite from Outrage




I find that I can’t write about Trump without giving up writing, a state that I have never experienced and never expected to experience.

I, who used to cry so easily, cry less and less as I grow old, and when I do, it’s nearly always because I, who have no ear for music, have been touched by one of two instruments—the bagpipe or the electric guitar.

 
I sobbed today as I lay in bed with Peggy listening to Steve McDonald’s version of Loch Lomond. So much sweat poured from me that I had to change the cover. I
’ve been crying for more than an hour and see no end in sight, but even this is better than three months of powerless outrage.

18 comments:

PhilipH said...

Couldn't play the video you included (not available). Found this one by the same chap: https://youtu.be/0_nnHO-UciQ

Your post is most unusual Snowy. Hope all is well with you dear chap.

Phil

Jennifer Rose Phillip said...

bagpipes make a lot of people cry :p

seriously tho, if played properly, its a wonderful instrument

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIq-co2n2jM

Emma Springfield said...

Perhaps your body is taking this time to purge you of some of the feelings of anger and frustration you have been having. Go ahead and release. You will then be ready to begin the fight anew.

angela said...

I too find myself crying at some strange things. Yes music. One is a song that characters sing on a children's show!
I blame menopause so maybe your going through the male version. Or maybe with age it's the little things that trigger our emotions

Myrna R. said...

Sorry I haven't been by in a while. I too have been somewhat immobilized by Trump's win. I find it hard to write.
I did read some of your previous posts and am in agreement.
As for your tears, in a strange way, it made me want to thank you. I've been somewhat numb, but am grateful that you can shed the tears I'm holding back. Please know that I think of you and your struggle with health. I know how this leads you to understand others better, like the lady you mention at the pharmacy in one of your posts.
You have a beautiful heart and that's what I love about you. I hope you start feeling better soon.

Charles Gramlich said...

Mostly I still seem to find it unbelievable that he won, as if I will wake up at any moment.

Stephen Hayes said...

It's a beautiful piece of music and I enjoyed it tremendously. Thanks for sharing.

Snowbrush said...

“Couldn't play the video you included (not available).”

It must be because you’re in the UK.

“Hope all is well with you dear chap.”

I’m much better due to what I just posted. I know there are many people who would do better than I if they were suffering from the same problems. However, because of whom I am, I suffer a great deal at times, and the fact that things are quite scary here in America preys on my mind more than it would if I didn’t already feel so vulnerable.

“bagpipes make a lot of people cry :p”

Did you ever see the split screen Gary Lawson cartoon, the text of which read on one side, “Welcome to heaven. Here is your harp,” and on the other side, “Welcome to hell. Here is your accordion”? To prefer bagpipes and electric guitars to other instruments might seem odd, but when they’re played in a certain way, the sound turns some key with me that allows that sound to go right to my depths. Thank you for the lovely video. I can never look at pictures of Scotland without being glad that I don’t live there.

“Perhaps your body is taking this time to purge you of some of the feelings of anger and frustration you have been having.”

It’s very hard for me to stay in touch with my more tender feelings because when I feel threatened, I erect walls around them, and these walls keep them hidden even from myself. Clearly, this crying jag represents a breaking down of walls, but I know from experience that the walls won’t stay broken down. While catharsis can seem like a permanent breakthrough, it’s more like a drug that eventually wears off.

“I blame menopause so maybe your going through the male version. Or maybe with age it's the little things that trigger our emotions”

I’ll be 68 in a couple of weeks, so maybe that leaves menopause out (although Peggy still has hot flashes at 65). I know that old men often cry more easily than young men, yet thus far it has gone the other way for me. Whereas I spent much of my adult life hiding my tears, I rarely cry anymore. I think that this is at least partly due to the various drugs I take but mostly to my ever increasing isolation and cynicism. The Trump election was hard for me for two reasons. The first was that Trump won by appealing to people’s baser instincts, and the second is that so many people were gullible enough to think that giving those instincts free rein (by voting for him) would make the world better. I already had what I considered a low opinion of my species, and after that election, my opinion went into free fall.

Snowbrush said...

“I too have been somewhat immobilized by Trump's win. I find it hard to write.”

There’s a saying that goes, “The most personal is the most universal,” so I know I’m not alone in feeling as I do. Of those who have thus far commented, one is in Britain and another in Australia, and I wonder how much they know of how bad things are here. Watching Trump is like watching a train wreck in that I can neither bear to look nor to look away, so, to use another metaphor, I stand frozen like a deer in the headlights.
“As for your tears, in a strange way, it made me want to thank you. I've been somewhat numb, but am grateful that you can shed the tears I'm holding back.”

Thank you. No doubt being with Peggy made me feel somewhat safer in letting myself go. Peggy has learned that, when I’m extremely moved, there’s no cause for worry, and there’s nothing apart from her nearness and acceptance that I need or that she can do. If she’s to worry at all, it’s when my suffering takes the form of anger because prolonged and helpless rage is like a cancer. I heard recently that when people are in great stress they cannibalize the very people that they’re closest to, and this struck me as true.

“I still seem to find it unbelievable that he won, as if I will wake up at any moment.”

I think you way down there in Louisiana, and I wonder what it must be like to feel as you do while listening to people talk about how wonderful it is that Trump is keeping his promises, which he isn’t, of course, but that’s the fiction.

“It's a beautiful piece of music and I enjoyed it tremendously.”

I’m so glad. I wrote after hearing the album for the first time. He is a performer that I heard on one of the “Natural Wonders” CDs, and then looked up online. I also considered using a live performance of him performing the same piece, but the camera was shaky and the quality of the music wasn’t as good.

Sue in Italia/In the Land Of Cancer said...

Perhaps a good cry is what you needed. I am impressed that you admit to crying. Not many men do.

I don't like crying in front of people. Yesterday I started crying at the end of the movie Lion. I felt vaguely manipulated.

Ah Trump....what a nightmare! I try to escape hearing about him but I listen to NPR podcasts at night and of course, he comes up.

Winifred said...

It's hard to believe that people voted for him. He is such a moron and an embarrassment to America so you must be really frustrated. Don't fret about what you can't do much about Snow. Don't cry try to laugh at him. We all just laugh at him although I know it's not funny having such a dipstick as a president who can be so dangerous.

However I am sure he won't last long one way or another. He's so arrogant he thinks he is invincible. That will be his downfall I'm sure.

Take care

All Consuming said...

Oh sweetheart, I feel for you and think an outpouring such as this is no bad thing, a kind of brief release. I'll mail you later oh, much love Xxx

G. B. Miller said...

Life goes on.

Tom Sightings said...

I wasn't familiar with the music, so thanks for sharing. Trump can't make me cry; only my kids can make me cry.

Strayer said...

That touches my heart, that song. Makes me want to sob too. Have had a hard week. The song brings the tears forth. I'm going to my bed now to sob with my cats.

Snowbrush said...

“I am impressed that you admit to crying. Not many men do.”

It’s one thing to admit it to people and quite another to do it in front of people—especially other males (most women seem accepting, and even encouraging, of men’s tears while most men seem embarrassed by them). Still, I must admit that it’s far easier for me to put an angry post online than a post such as this. I almost wince when I reflect upon having shared such feelings as the ones in this post, but I think the real weakness would be, not in having put it up, but in letting embarrassment cause me to take it down.

“It's hard to believe that people voted for him.”

Those of us who ALWAYS thought of him as you do are troubled as much by the fact that millions of people were taken in by him than by the fact that he is president. It’s painful to know that a man whose sole appeal was to such negative emotions as anger, intolerance, alienation, and callousness, could have won the presidency.

“…an outpouring such as this is no bad thing”

I agree. Catharsis is so powerful in the short term that it can make one feel that his or her life has taken a new direction. Have you found that anti-depressants make it harder to cry? I used to, but now I’m

“Life goes on.”

I reflect sometimes that when a person dies, a universe dies, and we all die very soon after we were born.

“Trump can't make me cry; only my kids can make me cry.”

May your kids give you little occasion for tears. I’ve never had kids, but I have cried over dogs and, now that I have cats, I’m sure that I will cry over them someday.

As for crying over Trump. I can no more cry over Trump than I can chew a rock (I can fantasize about killing him and a couple of hundred other Republicans). I only cry when I’m touched by beauty, poignancy, or grief. Peggy—and women in general, I suspect—has been known to cry when she’s frustrated or angry, but she hates doing so, especially in a work situation (not that she works anymore—thank god. I do remember being astounded one day to see my father become so frustrated that he cried, but since he was transgender, maybe he was different that way than how I perceive—rightly or wrongly—men to be. I just know he was the only man who I ever saw cry until he was touched or grieving.

“Have had a hard week. The song brings the tears forth. I'm going to my bed now to sob with my cats.”

I would that all your weeks be good weeks, my darling Strayer. I sometimes reflect upon the comfort that you find in cats, and I don’t quite get it because while they can be perceptive, I don’t think they’re all THAT perceptive. I’ve seen Peggy really need a cuddle from Brewsky only to have Brewsky get up and walk away. But then it’s the same with dogs. I remember running one night with my dogs, and tripping over a parking lot curb that I didn’t know was there. I hit the pavement so hard that I couldn’t breathe at first and then I couldn’t move. I could have used some support, but Bonnie and Baxter just seemed to be wondering when I was going to get up and run some more. Of course, we’re all limited, but sometimes some limits seem greater with dogs and cats. Of course, they can be superior to human friends and family in other ways.

joared said...

I remember many years ago in the Midwest when I was young and single attending with a date a moving appearance of the Black Watch. Bagpipes can be haunting, Think they may tap into some of my Scottish roots or Irish, or both. Tears should be allowed to flow as readily as we laugh.

possum said...

A beautiful rendition of Loch Lomond. Thanks for sharing.

Yes, these are highly emotional times. I try to not rant about the latest Trump outrage in my weekly newsletter, but I always end up there anyway.
I broke up with my ex when he confessed he voted for Trump. This, our 3rd split, is definitely final. We have not spoken since November. There are just some things one cannot forgive! Stupidity is one of them. Violence is another. That is trump with hatred and just plain meanness thrown in.
One shrink friend called it “malignant narcissism.”

oh crap, here I go again... another trump rant.

I hope you feel better soon, Snowy. My daffodils are in bloom. Wish I could pick some for you!