I need to stop answering comments for now

I need to stop responding to comments regarding my last post because, after what I wrote to KJ, I realized that my heart is closed. A closed heart doesn’t necessarily preclude honesty, but it sure as hell precludes compassion and respect.

We took Baxter to the vet yesterday—on his eleventh birthday—about a persistent cough. X-rays showed that the cause is most likely lung cancer. Our choices suck. We can do our best to make his remaining time comfortable, or we can put him through a lot of suffering, ourselves through a lot of anguish, and spend untold thousands of dollars and probably lose him anyway.

I’ve never been much good at compartmentalizing my emotions. Yesterday at the vet’s, Peggy had tears in her eyes, yet she was able to listen closely and ask intelligent questions. Yesterday at the vet’s, I stood to one side with a blank expression on my face. After the word cancer, I was too consumed by fear and grief to listen.

Say what you will, much of life is lose/lose. Much of life is about making the best of the worst.

I wrote the second half of my blog entry yesterday after the vet visit. Maybe I should have written it at another time, not because I don’t believe every word of it, but because I lack tact when I’m hurting.

I had rather see entire nations perish than to lose one of my dogs. That’s not an admirable thing to say, maybe, but it too is true.

28 comments:

The Bipolar Diva said...

I love you.

Robin said...

Snow, I understand completely where you are coming from....and I agree.....I have been there and it is pure hell to lose someone who has given you 1,000% love.

No need to respond...I just wanted to say I am sorry and I do feel you and Peggy's anguish.

♥ Robin ♥

ellen abbott said...

I'm sorry you have to go through this but we all do when we have pets. It's heartbreaking when they go. We chose the 'make her time comfortable' approach.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry! Your dog is soooooo cute.

I have lots of suggestions so feel free to contact me via email for more of my suggestions. I'll leave this link with you for now.

go here.

This is the most important thing I can recommend for you now.

(Hugs!)

P.S. Sorry I've been away so long.

nollyposh said...

(((hugs)))

Kerry said...

Your choices are all terrible and I feel awful for you.

Just_because_today said...

nations are not as close to you as your dog, your dog is with you everyday, every second of the day.
That word...we heard that about a very close member of my family. It sucks, Snow. It sucks.

kj said...

i am so sorry you and peggy have to face this, snow. all of us who love our animals so deeply understand how painful this is. i think it's most difficult, because, like children, our dogs simply trust that we will do what's best for them.

and figuring out what's best, and when, is so hard.

love
kj

Mim said...

oh snow, so so sorry about Baxter. it's hard...so hard...to find the beauty and joy in loving a dog for a few short years. I haven't figured it all out, have some vague ideas, but somehow our dogs and their love makes us much more human - and that's a good thing. To me the only thing I want in a heaven to have is my Samson and me to be with him again.

La IsleƱa said...

I am very sorry to hear about your dog. There's a very good book on philosophy by Professor Mark Rowlands called "The Philosopher and the Wolf" which may offer you some comfort.

Natalie said...

I am so sorry. :(

Bernie said...

I am so sorry to read the news about your dog......I so hope he does not have to suffer Snow, no one should have to tolerate pain. Know that you gave him a good home and loved him, his life has been filled with love and attention from two wonderful people....Hugs

Elisabeth said...

I recognise that feeling of having to cut off in order to cope with a breaking heart, Snow.

To lose a loved one and to grieve is to feel all manner of feelings, as if there could be a trade off between the life of your dog and the anguish of nations.

But the wish to make a trade, if you could is understandable.

The Blog Fodder said...

Don't let him suffer. You owe him that. We had to put down a black lab and I cried harder that when my wife died. Dogs give you love and ask for nothing back. Hugs.

Gaston Studio said...

I don't envy the decisions you'll have to make Snow, having been there and done that several times with my dogs and cats over the years. Just trust that you'll do the right thing for Baxter.

Marion said...

Hugs and much love to you and Peggy and Baxter, Snow...

Sonia ;) said...

I fully understand your pain and loss in this. sending you hugs xoxoxox

Myrna R. said...

I hate to admit it, but I have grieved my dogs more than I sometimes grieve for people. They are just so innocent and loving.

Spoil your dog and have fun doing it.

My heart is with you.

CreekHiker / HollysFolly said...

Snow, I'm so deeply sorry about your pup! Make every day count but don't let him suffer!

Dogs really just steal our hearts and for me, they make life worth living!

All Consuming said...

"Say what you will, much of life is lose/lose. Much of life is about making the best of the worst." - I agree very much, "I had rather see entire nations perish than to lose one of my dogs. That’s not an admirable thing to say, maybe, but it too is true."- I understand. I'm so sorry to hear about him and send my love to all of you xxx

Crazed Nitwit said...

I am so sorry about Baxter! Loss may be a part of life but it hurts and it sucks wide. Hugs.

dana said...

After we had to put Lucky "down" the vet was injecting him while saying: "You'll be surprised at how much better you'll feel for doing this"

Too late, I realized THIS "professional" was the wrong one to allow such an intimate moment between the love bond that is formed when you desperately love your fur-child.

I was so traumatized that grief is a narrow explanation. Joe and I even ended up verbally attacking each other through a lack of any other outlet for the destruction of our family unit.

And if one more person had sent me "THE RAINBOW BRIDGE" I think I would have lost my mind.

Skepticat said...

It's ok to be human and to grieve for the suffering of those you love. I've only known you through this blog for only a few days now but I hurt for you as much as a stranger can.

Zuzana said...

This made me cry, literally. Somehow this strung a cord within me, because of my current situation. Yes, life is all about losses... And pain.
So sorry about your dog...
xo

Pat - Arkansas said...

So sorry. I love my own animal friends better than I like a whole lot of people.

Pamela Terry and Edward said...

There's nothing harder.
I'm thinking of you today.

Winifred said...

Ah bless him I think you made the right choice. It's such an awful time for you all. Take care.

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