Why Straight Men Are So Weird About Women

My Cat and i

Girls are simply the prettiest things
My cat and i believe
And we’re always saddened
When it’s time for them to leave

We watch them titivating
(that often takes a while)
And though they keep us waiting
My cat & i just smile

We like to see them to the door
Say how sad it couldn’t last
Then my cat and i go back inside
And talk about the past

Roger McGough

 Heterosexual men are drawn to women like steel to magnets. The attraction is so strong and unremitting that they are often powerless to put it out of their minds. Many conclude from this that women are knowing and powerful beings who have the ability to purposefully control the strength and direction of a man’s feelings. Although naive women sometimes find this view flattering, its overall outcome is unhappiness for men and misery for women. For example:

(1) Some men elevate women to the status of demigoddesses. Because knowledge destroys delusion, a man who builds a relationship with a woman eventually comes to recognize his mistake. Although he might love her by then, his realization that she is human forces him to find someone else upon whom to project his delusion, whether within or without of his current relationship.

(2) Other men’s lust for women leaves them feeling vulnerable, so they attempt to turn the tide by making women vulnerable. Some resort to rape, physical abuse, or browbeating. Others claim that Satan uses women to drive a wedge between men and God, and so it is God’s will that women be rendered powerless and invisible. It was for this reason that the church of my childhood denied women the right to preach, teach Sunday school, ask questions, and make announcements, along with discouraging them from attending college or working outside the home.

As a small child, I was so captivated by the wife of a visiting cousin that I spent the evening in her lap. I would have done anything to please her, and I believed that everyone in the room recognized the necessity of me sleeping with her. When my mother forced me from the woman’s lap, I cried while the adults laughed. 

In an adolescent fantasy, I envisioned a woman walking through Arlington National Cemetery on a lovely spring day. The woman’s beauty gave her such power that entire regiments of dead soldiers followed after her. Such fantasies are not unusual…

Plots of the hit TV show Rawhide! sometimes revolved around the irresistible influence that beautiful but unscrupulous women had over a young and naive drover named Rowdy Yates (played by a boyish Clint Eastwood). Rowdy continued to be entrapped by such women despite his trail boss’s repeated admonition: “Rowdy, just because a woman looks like an angel, it don’t mean she is one.” 

In Jimmy Dean’s song, The Cajun Queen, a New Orleans’ woman resurrects a man who had been dead for days by placing “a red-hot kiss on his cold blue lips.” Then there were the pop-music goddesses from my adolescence: Venus, Earth Angel, Teen Angel, Venus in Blue Jeans, and My Special Angel, songs that flattered women and spoke truth to the fantasies of men. But what does any of this have to do with a poem about a talking cat? 

Although they try to hide it, men often react to a beautiful woman like a dog reacts to a female in heat. This is why some women regard men as slobbering buffoons whose stupidity runs neck-and-neck with their wickedness. The truth is that both genders conform to the roles that nature assigned them. During his lifetime, a man produces 525-billion sperm. During her lifetime, a woman produces 400-500 eggs, only a few of which can become people. This is why nature programmed men to insure the survival of their DNA by impregnating as many women as possible, while it programmed women to seek protection for themselves and their few offspring. 

The man in the poem is tempted by two or more flirtatious women, but instead of hurrying them into bed, he smilingly awaits their departure so he can be alone with his cat. Most men would have as soon thrown the cat—or the piano, for that matter—out the window if doing so would get the women into bed quicker.

Even if a man manages to think about something other than sex in one moment, he is at risk of being overwhelmed by sexual desire in the next, even if he is alone. The man in the poem is not alone. He has leisure, privacy, and two or more willing women. Fortunately, he also has the ability to say no. After age reduced my hormone levels, I too was able to say no. I also stopped mythologizing women. 

“I’m so sorry for that ghost I made you be. Only one of us was real and that was me.” —Leonard Cohen

Despite what women often believe, a man’s struggle isn’t between virtue and intelligence versus depravity and stupidity. It is more akin to the Homerian story in which the irresistible song of temptresses would have lured the hero Odysseus to his death had his crew not protected him. Real men are without protection. Real men struggle alone until they die or old age renders the problem moot.

I dont need a lover, no, no, no. The wretched beast is tame.

—Leonard Cohen

14 comments:

Elephant's Child said...

An new to me perspective - which I will have to take at your word. I will be interested in seeing how other men respond to this post.

Andrew said...

You talk about beautiful women but it is so much simpler than that in my opinion. A beautiful woman may excite a man but male desire is so much more basic than that. Men are such hopeless creatures and the best thing about being an older man now is that I am no longer controlled by my sex drive. Very occasionally the sharp point of the drive stabs at me, but it quickly passes after taking some remedial action. I know women have sex drive too, but does it drive them crazy like the male sex drive?

Strayer said...

This is a beautiful and honest post, Snow. The poem too could have been written by a woman. Many women I know now at older age have let go the desire for male companionship and prefer the company of cats. Now and then I think of wanting a man back in my life but its a passing desire, easily dismissed. I think of my brothers, the passion of their love and the despair experienced during break ups, before they were married. Both have been married for decades now and they and their wives seem almost like one person, when I think of them.

Emma Springfield said...

It is true that in order to assure the propagation of the species males and females will be drawn to each other. It is a basic instinct.

Snowbrush said...

"A new to me perspective - which I will have to take at your word."

I'm not surprised that a woman would see things differently, yet I would love to know how your particular perspective differs. I spent months writing this, having never put so much time into trying to make my thoughts clear, simple, succinct, and accurate. However, these ARE entirely MY thoughts based entirely upon MY observations and MY experiences. For instance, when I ask myself why women are treated so horribly in places like Afghanistan, the things that I wrote in this post are what I come up with. Likewise, when I think about why men rape women.

"I will be interested in seeing how other men respond to this post."

I too would like to know, but my expectations are low because I have so few male readers anymore, the primary one being Andrew (whose comment my response to it follows).

"You talk about beautiful women but it is so much simpler than that in my opinion."

Andrew, oftentimes when I was writing this, I wondered how it would strike you. I also wondered if gay men escape some of the mythologizing that I described. I wonder about this because men are like men whereas--to straight men anyway--women are like creatures from another planet, and this makes it easy to project all sorts of thoughts and abilities upon them.

"A beautiful woman may excite a man but male desire is so much more basic than that."

I can't quite follow you here, so I will simply say that no matter how horny I was, I wouldn't have sex with anyone I considered unattractive.

"...the best thing about being an older man now is that I am no longer controlled by my sex drive."

When I was young, I thought that my feelings were unalterable, and this led me to believe that old men were as horny as young men, but that they were endlessly frustrated because no attractive woman would want to have sex with them. Now that I will be 74 in six weeks, I am like you in that not freedom from constant horniness is one of the things I like most about my life. Because I am free, I can now look at a woman, tell myself that she's pretty, and then look away unconcerned, sometimes with the thought that my cats are prettier.

Snowbrush said...

"Very occasionally the sharp point of the drive stabs at me, but it quickly passes after taking some remedial action."

Same here, the difference not being that I'm immune from lust, but that lust doesn't come as often and it's milder when it does come. The pursuit of women used to be a lot of trouble, almost no fun, and they it oftentimes brought a lot of problems into my life. There were times that I used to bite my lip so I wouldn't say something that would be utterly repulsive to nearly all women, something along the lines of, "Can we please just get sex out of the way, so I can focus on something other than how to get you into bed?"

"I know women have sex drive too, but does it drive them crazy like the male sex drive?"

I don't think it does. When I was in my upper twenties, I started looking for women to have sex with. I imagined that I might have trouble finding them because I was unwilling to lie about being married, but when I truly went on the make, women appeared. When I started wondering why a woman would have sex with a married man who had no intention of leaving his wife. Here's what I came up with: (1) Whatever their initial reason for having sex with me, some women ended up trying to win me away from Peggy. (2) Other women didn't want a committed relationship, and they thought my marriage would protect them from the messiness of having sex with a man who was looking for commitment. (3) Married women sometimes had sex with me to shit on husbands whom they had come to hate or fear. (5) Some women had sex with me to escape boredom or to be assured of their desirability. (4) Whether single or married, other women wanted to have sex with lots of men. I think that some of these women were as sexually obsessed as the average man. One of my best experiences was with such a woman and her husband. While he and I had no interest in one another, we all "slept" in their king-size bed, and he and I took turns having sex with his wife all night long. Her tenderness and enjoyment were a wonder to behold, but by the light of the following day, I could have been a vacuum cleaner salesman for all she cared, her response to me being the kind of response that women complain of when a man instantly goes from treating them like they're the source of all happiness to treating them like an unattractive stranger on the street.

I came to think of men as self-primers, that is as creatures who need no outside stimulation to make them horny and are able to cum almost instantly. By contrast, I came to think of women as creatures whose waters are at least as deep and abundant as are those of men, but who need their sexual partner to slowly work them toward arousal.

Snowbrush said...

"This is a beautiful and honest post, Snow."

I've now written two posts about this poem, the other being on my cat blog. The poem fit me perfectly in that my once absorbing fascination with women and my former belief that women were the most beautiful creatures on earth has been transferred onto cats. I never go a day but what I tell myself that nothing on earth could equal the magnificence and the sensuality of my cats. The fact that my feelings for my cats are not sexual makes those feelings even better in that I am free of the manipulative games that I had to play with women, and I have also escaped the Everest-like highs and the Dead Sea lows that I experienced in my relationships with women.

"Many women I know now at older age have let go the desire for male companionship and prefer the company of cats."

According to mortality tables, heterosexual women thrive without men whereas heterosexual men die without women. I don't know all the reasons for this, but I suspect that one reason is that aging women tend to have friends while aging men tend to become ever more isolated. I frankly don't know how Peggy would do without me, but I'm all but certain that I would do very badly without her.

"Now and then I think of wanting a man back in my life but its a passing desire, easily dismissed."

I have very little knowledge of your earlier life. I'm aware that you experienced profound abuse and betrayal, and I know a little about why cats are so important to you, but I know nothing about your love relationships, although I would like to.

"I think of my brothers, the passion of their love and the despair experienced during break ups, before they were married. Both have been married for decades now and they and their wives seem almost like one person, when I think of them."

I don't think that anyone who really knows us would say that Peggy and I are like that. We've each put one another through some awfully hard times, but any thought that I ever had of leaving her was momentary. I don't know for sure, but I think she might have given a bit more thought to leaving me, but that was long ago, and things never got to the point that I expected her to actually do it. Even now, after 51-years, I wouldn't say that our relationship is easy. In fact, from my perspective it has become a good bit harder over the years, partly because my emotional state is more precarious, but also because we're together nearly all the time since she retired (she sometimes says that she wishes I had outside interests so she could have the house to herself). Even so, I have no thought of leaving her. Sometimes, I feel overcome by the hardship of sustaining our relationship, yet I'm here for better or worse. It helps us that we have interests aside from one another (her main one by far is her clothing button collection and the club meetings and conventions that accompany it, and my main ones are cats, blogging, reading, and letter writing). Other things that have helped keep us together are that our values around money are the same; our politics are about the same; and our attitude toward religion is similar (although, unlike Peggy, I'm very interested in religion and enjoy attending liberal churches, she and are  both atheists, and we share a passionate loathing of the evangelical fundamentalist churches in which we were raised). Also, I've always found Peggy attractive; I admire her self-discipline; I respect her resolve to stay in good physical condition; and I've been pleased to observe that the ways she has changed over the years have mostly been positive. We read a great many of the same books, and we both enjoy the same classic movies and TV shows (I consider it very sad that a lot of couples go to separate rooms to watch separate shows).

kylie said...

"remedial action" so a wanker is a remediation specialist? :)

are you blokes seriously this beholden to the sex drive? I find it hard to accept or imagine.

I keep reading about how older women are often uninterested in having a partner or uninterested in living with a partner and I am never quite sure if i can relate. I am perfectly happy as a single person but I suspect i will be desperate for companionship after my children leave home

Snowbrush said...

"It is true that in order to assure the propagation of the species males and females will be drawn to each other."

Prior to marriage, I told Peggy that I didn't want children, and since she had always taken it for granted that she would be a mother someday, she had to think hard about whether she was willing to marry me. Because we were voluntarily childless, people would sometimes ask us why we even wanted to be together, their implication being that, aside from parenting, marriage isn't a worthwhile endeavor.

"'remedial action' so a wanker is a remediation specialist? :)"

Wanker???? Andrew prefers "Mighty Sword" while I favor "Awe Inspiring Battering Ram of the Ages that makes Beautiful Women Swoon and Strong Men Tremble." Because my substitute for....that horrid word you used...is a tad unwieldy, I substitute the word "Archduke Weewers" in casual conversation.

"are you blokes seriously this beholden to the sex drive?"

Like a dog crossing a twenty lane highway to reach his love-of-the-moment on the other side.

"I find it hard to accept or imagine."

Yet it's true. For instance, an Ohio State University found that college men think about having sex as often as 388 times a day. I doubt that there is a man on earth who likes feeling so burdened by sexual desire that he is tormented with unrequited longings and distracted from productive pursuits, but it's our reality. Because you are a compassionate person,if nothing else enables you to "accept or imagine," you might try thinking of the male obsession with sex as a disability.

"I keep reading about how older women are often uninterested in having a partner or uninterested in living with a partner and I am never quite sure if i can relate. I am perfectly happy as a single person but I suspect i will be desperate for companionship after my children leave home."

Maybe being single works better for some personality types than others, and I assume that it helps to have a close network of female friends. It could also be that some women claim to be happier than they are to cover up the fact that they can't find a desirable male partner because so many suitable males are dead. I used to know for certain that I would seek a new wife (or partner) if Peggy died or left me, but at my age, and after all these decades with Peggy, I don't know if I could be sufficiently open to someone else to make it work--and there's also the question of whether I might have too many problems for anyone else to want me. When I ponder such things, I have the thought that, if sex is no longer on the table, why not choose a man for a partner because I might spend less time comparing a male partner to my dead female partner. Of course, would I really want to do this, and could I even find a man who was open to such an arrangement?

Ruby End said...

It’s interesting hearing people’s experiences like this, especially because others don’t tend to talk about their own sex lives, though this is starting to change I think. In my experience generally (with my partners and with many of male friends) there have been a handful of men I’ve known (who have wanted to sleep with me but I wasn’t interested) that fit your description when you were younger, but the rest only begin this keen for sex, once the initial getting together has happened, everything settles then into a couple of times a week. At the start of a relationship I’d say both parties are keen as mustard, and then things slow down. That handful of men mentioned seem unable to keep relationships going more than a few months at a time; they may well be addicted to that first excitement, or have a much higher sex drive than most and want to keep things at a more giddy frenzied pace.

Conversely I also know women with an enormously wild sex drive but societies attitudes towards randy women is very different than it is for randy men. (I’m using ‘randy’ just because I can’t think of another shortened version of ‘high sex drive’). Men/lads are called cheeky chappies, it’s expected that they feel this way, it’s considered fun (so long as they keep their hands to themselves until the object of their desire agrees), whereas women/girls get a ‘reputation’, they’re called slags, tarts, whores etc for sleeping with many partners or expressing their need for sex, so tend to only tell close female friends they can trust. One in particular now finds sex through online dating websites, there are many on there only looking for sex, not a relationship and that’s made clear from their profile. Neither party wants anything serious, and this has worked ell for her for several years now.

Thinking more, I also know four men who stopped wanting to have sex entirely by their forties. They just lost the urge was how they’d describe it, and that was with any other party not just one woman.

I don’t know how different things are for gay men, they are reported to have a high sex drive, but once again I think that’s generalising a potential stereotype. I know a lesbian couple who are very highly sexed though.

Snowbrush said...

"I don’t know how different things are for gay men, they are reported to have a high sex drive..."

My guess is that gay men are simply more open (than straight men) about their interest in sex because they know that other gay men won't condemn them for it in the way that women would condemn a similarly honest straight man.

"it’s interesting hearing people’s experiences...because others don’t tend to talk about their own sex lives, though this is starting to change..."

Good god, I hope you're wrong because society finds it hard to find a reasonable balance between not talking about something at all and talking about it ad nauseum, and the last thing I want to do is to hear an endless succession of people talking about their sex lives.

"...there have been a handful of men I’ve known (who have wanted to sleep with me but I wasn’t interested) that fit your description when you were younger..."

I hope I made myself clear that I was around age four when I sat in the lap of a visiting cousin's wife. Although I wrote that I wanted to sleep with her, the nearest I had come to anything regarding sex was that I had watched roosters and hens in my family's chicken yard, although I had no inkling about what their behavior meant or that people engage in anything similar.

Snowbrush said...

"That handful of men mentioned seem unable to keep relationships going more than a few months at a time..."

When the new wears off, there isn't always enough left to keep the relationship interesting. What I'm about to say isn't really related to what you're talking about, yet what you wrote brought it to mind. Peggy and I gave up having sex a number of years ago because as she moved through menopause, intercourse became uncomfortable for her. However, when we gave up sex, sex was ALL we gave up. What I mean is that we are still romantic and affectionate, and our relationship is still fairly intense. We also cuddle in bed for an hour or more daily, and while neither of us wears a wedding ring, I wear a thin chain necklace with a little silver squirrel hanging from it. Peggy bought the squirrel for me 20 or more years ago, and we both understood at the time that I would keep it near my heart and that it would represent her to me (my very first "Little Golden Book" contained a character named Fluffy Squirrel, and so I call Peggy "Fluffy Squirrel"--"Fluffer" for short--more often than I call her Peggy. I do this because she embodies the sweetness and the values of the character in the book). I mean it when I tell her that she's the prettiest woman on earth, that no other woman can hold a candle to her, and that the only other "woman" in my life (the only one who is physically present that is) is our little girl cat Scully with whom I also cuddle and with whom I am also very strongly bonded although my feelings for her are those of a father. Scully is such a timid cat that it took her years to build sufficient trust to lie inches from me when I read at night. No human honor could please me more, and I never for a moment minimize what it means to have that little body asleep next to me.

"...women/girls get a ‘reputation’, they’re called slags, tarts, whores etc..."

Such words are not used here due to the fact that American women remain virginal prior to marriage and are strictly monogamous after marriage. At least that's one theory, another being that Americans are simply have too few memory cells to hold more than 107 words in their vocabulary. Theories aside, it has been my experience that of the three words you quoted, only the word "whore" is used here to describe women, the word "tart" being limited to pastries, and the word "slag" to the byproduct of ore refinement.

"Neither party wants anything serious, and this has worked well for her for several years now."

Then I would assume that she hasn't contracted any sexually transmitted diseases. I have no idea how you regard her behavior, but it is my view that, I think that it's sad--and probably abnormal--for someone to deem a committed relationship as unimportant in their life. Perhaps my view simply comes from a failure of the imagination, but it is my view. Of course, I put out the idea that I might remain single if Peggy were to die, but this wouldn't be because I considered the single state optimal but rather because I would be old and doubt that I could give myself to another person after having practically gone from childhood to marriage.

Thinking more, I also know four men who stopped wanting to have sex entirely by their forties. They just lost the urge was how they’d describe it, and that was with any other party not just one woman.

I can but suppose that their testosterone levels plummeted unnaturally, and that they should see a doctor about it because health problems could result from it.

Ruby End said...

"What I mean is that we are still romantic and affectionate, and our relationship is still fairly intense. We also cuddle in bed for an hour or more daily, and while neither of us wears a wedding ring, I wear a thin chain necklace with a little silver squirrel hanging from it." - This is beautiful and extremely wise too. I'd rather be in a sexless marriage that has tons of affection, kindness, cuddles and romance than one with lots of sex and nothing else. Sex is an urge, love is a need, it fuels our souls and the most vital things anyone should take into account when choosing a long-term partner is 'Can I live with them and do I really like them as a person?' and 'How attractive to me are they generally if the sex is taken away?' Because it happens to everyone eventually, the sex goes for one reason or another due to age and health. True love survives. Some people will reach retirement age, the kids grown and left, and suddenly it's just the two of them in the same house every single day and they'll go mad, they'll realise they don't really like the other person that much, and this is often when they have an affair or split up. I had a partner I saw for five years who I knew I would never want to live with. I had originally planned to live close-by his house, then realised I wanted to be with someone I did want to live and sacked him off. It isn't necessarily easy to find a person like that, because that which we like when young changes with age, but it is possible, and I'm lucky like you are in that respect.

'I have no idea how you regard her behavior, but it is my view that, I think that it's sad--and probably abnormal--for someone to deem a committed relationship as unimportant in their life.' - I know as may people, both men and women, who are single and have been long-term single as I do those in couples. It isn't for want of trying to find a long-term partner, they do try, and try, and try and get tired of trying. Covid has put a big spoke in the wheels too; no nightclubbing, no pubs no social groups meeting up...my friend would love to meet someone she can trust and be with forever, but she's been let down repeatedly by people claiming to be one thing and turning out to be another, and she genuinely enjoys her own company too. There was an article about this I read not long ago, that more and more people are choosing to be single and have sex when they want it with others who are willing, the writer thought it was to do with people feeling less pressured into the whole 'two by two into the ark' business. You must find a mate or you are unsuccessful etc. Some people feel free alone. I just found these two links

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/jan/17/why-are-increasing-numbers-of-women-choosing-to-be-single

https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/michaelblackmon/these-people-have-chosen-the-single-life-and-they-are

'they should see a doctor about it because health problems could result from it.' - Agreed, I think the doctor should always be the first port of call in this case, followed by counselling if needed.

Joe Todd said...

Enjoyed the post. Have had radiation, chemo, and surgery. My stomach is now my esophagus. Still recovery from surgery was a pretty big deal. Waiting to get approved for course of immunotherapy. All the doctors involved are very optimistic.