Doctor Baxter and Nurse Bonnie


I was telling my neighbor, Ellie, and her fourteen-year-old son, Josh, about my upcoming surgery. Ellie said that Josh had to do a certain number of volunteer hours for a school assignment, and that he could help me out with anything I needed done. “Well…I won’t be able to wipe my butt for six weeks…” I said lyingly. Josh continued looking cool, unruffled, maybe a little bored (I see him practicing this look on his way to school each morning).

Unfortunately, Josh knows me too well to believe anything I say. That wasn’t always true. When his family moved here, Josh was nine. One day, he was in the street with his remote controlled car. “Hey, Snow, look at this,” he said as he rolled the car several times. “Dude, I enthused, “that is like SO TOTALLY COOL that I’m going to try it with my van.” Here I got into the van while Josh looked at me in horror (this was before he discovered the importance of looking cool no matter what). “He’s just kidding you, Josh,” Peggy said. Damn kid hasn’t trusted me since. Go figure.

Peggy will be out of town for two weeks out of the five following my surgery. I wouldn’t mind this so much were it not for the dogs. Friends, neighbors, and lodge brothers are always willing to help out, except when it comes to the dogs which, ironically, is what I need help with the most.

My fantasy is that the dogs will help me. Specifically, Bonnie Blue Heeler would act as my nurse since she would look really cute in a starched white uniform and a nurse’s hat. There are only two things against it. One is that post-surgical odors scare the bejesus out of her, making it impossible for me to get anywhere close. The other is that she won’t wear clothes. At a Christmas party one year, Peggy tied a red ribbon around Bonnie’s neck before Bonnie knew what was happening. Bonnie was so humiliated by the ensuing laughter that she ran from the room and wouldn’t let Peggy come near her for hours. Though this happened ten years ago, it thoroughly discouraged us from ever again dressing Bonnie—that and the fact that she has extremely strong jaws and uses violence as a first response to interpersonal conflict.

My other fantasy is that Baxter Black Schnauzer—being a boy and all—would serve as my physician. He would look cute in a white lab coat with one of those round mirror thingy’s on his forehead, and his Nietzsche-like moustache would accentuate his scholarly appearance. Since he will wear clothes, the dress-up part is doable. The downside is that he’s an all-around idiot (Peggy vehemently disagrees with this assessment) and doesn’t exude an iota of the customary doctorly arrogance.

Such considerations make it clear that the dogs will be a liability rather than an asset. All I can think to do is to lock them in the garage for two weeks, and take them a little food if my head should clear sufficiently between doses of Percocet and vodka. Then again, maybe Peggy could tear open a fifty-pound bag of dog food and dump it on the garage floor on her way to the airport. They would immediately eat it all, throw it all up, eat the vomit, throw that up, and so on until her return. With luck, I wouldn’t have to buy another bag of dog food for at least a year, by which time I should be well enough to carry it home.

12 comments:

Audrey said...

Funny stuff!
Does your local animal shelter have volunteers who could help with the dogs. I have a friend on Vancouver Island who does this - not sure if all shelters provide that service, but migt be worth looking into.

KC said...

I'm thinking Josh would jump at the chance to take care of the dogs rather than wiping your butt.
An automatic feeder may be just the ticket to solve your feeding problem.

Snowbrush said...

The problem isn't feeding the dogs; it's exercising and cleaning them. I'm concerned about taking them walking so soon after surgery, because I'm afraid they might trip me up, especially if another dog comes running up (this happens all the time). Also, it rains here almost everyday this time of year, which means that the dogs get muddy and have to at least have their feet washed. Believe it or not, most people aren't really into doing that. There are professional dog walkers who I suppose would do it, but these are not dogs that warm up to strangers easily, and Bonnie really will bite dogs AND people. What I would like would be to have someone walk them on their leashes while I walk alongside to head off trouble.

Natalie said...

That is yucky timing isn't it?
I am a bit far away to duck over and wash the puppies......

Hey! I know! I'll send the FIVE kids over. :D

Pouty Lips said...

I vote for an auto feeder. Maybe Josh could walk the dogs for you?

Caution: Alcohol can increase the affects of Percocet, which means you might fall and not be able to get up so be careful please and thank you.

Snowbrush said...

Natalie, yes, by all means, send the five kids. They can bathe one another then the dogs and then one another again (since they will have gotten dirty bathing the dogs). It will all be great fun. I can just see it now, the seven of them in the tub together. Ah, but you would be lonely. Darn. Guess it won't work after all. Such a shame, but don't worry, I'll get by somehow.

Pouty, I wouldn't REALLY drink vodka while taking Percocet, but I know someone who might (WOULD!), and she's a blogger herself, and she lives in England, and she likes astronomy, and she too has a predilection for vodka, and she was the first person to follow this blog, but I won't say who she is. No, not me.

chriesi said...

Hi! Thanks for the comment on my picture! I use photographfs of mine, normally about 10-15 photos per bild, the rest comes from inside. ;) greetings

Lisa said...

great post- ofcourse the boy dog should be the doctor and the girl the nurse- ofcourse-
my solution ?
pay Josh- teenstrangers will do anything for money.
mix up percodet and vokda and soak the bag of dog bisuits in the mix- feed to dr & nurse dogs in one go- they will cease to be an issue until Peggy returns !
my evil minds expands- while Bonnie is comatose, get Josh ( who is on the payroll now)to dress her in Baxters clothes and take photos.
Not just dressed but cross dressed at that !!!

She will never speak to you or Josh again !!!
smooch x

Vintage Rose Clothing said...

Thanks for your encouragement... I need as much as I can get!
I hope that you have a lovely night, and recover quickly from your upcoming surgery!

ps your little black dog is adorable!
Tiffany :)

Strayer said...

Why don't you, right now, before surgery, rig two overhead cable wire runs in your yard? And get or make a couple dog houses? Maybe you don't have a yard? Or, make a dog door, and quickly put up a standalone kennel, covered if need be, outside that dog run, so they can come in out of the weather and go.

You can get self feeders on a timer, at least for cats, that open only one chamber on a timed basis. You can get faucet drippers, that attach to any faucet head, with a valve on top that when slightly depressed, as in a dog licking it, release water.

Those neighbor kids can care for your dogs, if need be for safety reasons, since I think you have mentioned your dogs bite, through the chainlink outside run, you may have to put up. It doesn't take much to put these up. You can them in panel sections and if your dogs can climb, and blue heelers usually can, it will need lidded, too. Some people just wire a bucket to the side of the chainlink that can be filled from the outside. (for safety, since you probably don't want the neighbor kids being bitten). Food can be filled same way.

Snowbrush said...

Lisa, I like your idea of drugging myself AND the dogs during Peggy's absence Not only dressing, but cross-dressing Bonnie sounds good too, but do you think it could cause a long term sexual identity crisis?

Strayer, the dogs have never stayed out a night in their lives, and they're now 9 and 11. The problem is not feeding them, but keeping them clean and exercised. We have a fenced yard out back, but it's too muddy there this time of year. The front isn't fenced, but they go out there to potty and hang-out. They're well trained to stay in the yard. As some point, you mentioned coming down, but I don't recall just what you had in mind. I'll keep it in mind though.

Renee said...

Heres hoping that when Peggy is away you don't:

'eat it all, throw it all up, eat the vomit, throw that up, and so on until her return.'

xoxoxo