What happens to a fantasy come true?



At night. Late. Quiet. Alone. In bed. I ponder the daylight world of color, shadow, music, plants, people. They don’t seem real in the darkness. They seem like a drug trip. I think, “Maybe this is what death is like; awareness without stimuli, as if the world were a long ago dream.”

Lately, as I lie in the darkness, I ponder Marit Larsen. I want to be Marit Larsen when I grow up.

Why?

Because she’s young, rich, healthy, intelligent, talented, beautiful, famous... Okay, I’m intelligent too, and I’m talented too (not widely appreciated for it, but talented nonetheless). But I’m also soooo old; I don’t know what my first sixty years were about, and I don’t know what to do with my last twenty. If I were Marti Larsen, life would be soooo good. Or not. I’ll admit it; I don’t know her; I just know about her.

I saw Edie Adams in an old movie last week, only I couldn’t remember her name. I just knew that I knew her. Turned out she was the woman who did the Muriel Cigar commercials in the ‘60s. Women don’t come any prettier. Then, she got old and not so pretty. No, not so pretty at all. Grace Slick was the same way. I feel cheated when women do that. Women create life—right? So what the hell are they doing getting old and dying? I expected better from them.

I worshipped them (the pretty ones anyway) from my earliest memories. It could even be that my earliest memory is of a woman who visited my family, and with whom I wanted to sleep so I could absorb her magic. I wasn’t allowed, and I screamed in protest. There it was, infinite joy right in front of me, and I couldn’t have it. I didn’t know about sex, but I knew that the universe could be mine if only I could press my body against hers in the lonely darkness.

Now, Peggy won’t sleep with me (I snore, I kick), but Peggy can’t give me eternal bliss anyway, so I can live with it. The only women who have that power are the ones who exist solely in my imagination—even though they’re based on real people. Nothing kills a good fantasy like having it come true.

I continue thinking as I lie in the darkness: Okay, if I could be Marit Larsen, what would that look like? Well, I couldn’t just be me in her body; I would have to be her, and this means that EVERYTHING that is, was, or ever will be me would be destroyed. Would I still do it? No. I wouldn’t. I say to myself:

“She too will die. I know that. I look at her, so young, so full of life; but, no matter, she will grow old, and she will die, and then she will be no more. Odds are, it will happen forty years after my death, but what is forty years in the scheme of things?”

Still, she looks like a goddess. I know better, but the little boy in me can never completely give up the old fantasies. Reality is simply too hard to look full in the face. Yet, in the wee hours, I DO look reality full in the face, if only because I can’t turn away. I hate the wee hours.

The thing that is both sad and grand is that I have at least rationally given up on magic. Women can make me feel damn good, but they can’t save me; they can only distract me. Why is such knowledge grand? Because to look to women for salvation was a heavy burden to lay upon human flesh. Men sometimes kill when their goddesses fail them.

When I was young, and I knew guys that were old and rich, I envied them because I knew they could get women that I couldn’t. Now that I’m old (and not really rich, but not poor either), I too could get women that I couldn’t have gotten on charm alone when I was young; but I don’t want them. Funny that I ever thought I would.

Now, even if I could get them on charm alone, I wouldn’t know what to do once I had them. I could fuck them, for a while longer anyway, but what would we talk about? Funny I should keep coming back to that. Peggy and I can talk about 38 years of shared experiences, or we can talk about the years that we didn’t share but that we did both experience. Marit Larsen is a 26-year-old Norwegian.

Me: “So, Marit, did you ever see that mermaid statue thingy in Oslo?”
Her: “Herregud!!! What is it with Americans and geography? The Little Mermaid is in Copenhagen. Me and my Mom saw it a long, long time ago, like in the 90’s.”
Me: “I first saw it in a book in the 50’s.”
Her: “Wow! My parents weren’t even born yet.”
Me: “Hey, I’ve got some DVDs of Have Gun Will Travel. Do you want to watch them?”
Her: “What kind of music do they play?”

Whatever shot I might have ever had at Marit Larson is gone. Watch her video. Try to see her as I see her. She looks angelic, but she’s not an angel. I know that, really I do.

P.S. For best results, double click on the video to watch it on the YouTube site.

53 comments:

nollyposh said...

oh yes it is a great burden indeed that all we beautiful women have to bear... all this adulation and lust from men, sighhh... (Lol!)
And so i see my dear Snowbrush finds at last the ~music~ of his soul... Now just walk a little further my dear friend, deeper into the inner darkness... and see the ~truth~ that only all the truly gorgeous understand... That we are indeed ALL ~beautiful~ Snowbrush... and yes even you and me, my dear bloggy friend, even you and me! (Peggy goes without saying of course!) X;-)

Snowbrush said...

Nollyposh: "Now just walk a little further my dear friend, deeper into the inner darkness... and see the ~truth~ that only all the truly gorgeous understand... That we are indeed ALL ~beautiful"

Katherine Mansfield (yes, the DEAD Katherine Mansfield) visited me once, some ten years ago, bearing a gift (a bejeweled prayer stick), and she told me much the same. I do understand that the only thing real about all this is what is within myself, but the illusion is compelling.

Michelle said...

Ahhhh Snow...yes indeed. I could go on, but I think I choose not to.

xxx

Snowbrush said...

Michelle: " I could go on, but I think I choose not to."

Michelle, my friend, you are being cryptic. You couldn't have very well gone on because you never even started! If you ever DO decide to start, I can assure you in advance of my interest in what you have to say. This post was too emotional for me to evaluate how it might appear to others, or even what they might learn about me from reading it. It did occur to me that it might make some of my readers angry since it approaches a way in which men view women that is offensive to many women (although other women seek to encourage it).

Mim said...

I would like another shot at the magic that a young beautiful woman has. Power, very seductive power. Promise. True magic. And at the same time I'd like to have Adonis at my side, big and beautiful and strong; protective; powerful also.

( Should I start writing romance novels? )

Snowbrush said...

Wow, Mim, I was pretty well blown away by your comment, oh you who keeps up your househusband's spirits with sex everyday.

"I would like another shot at the magic that a young beautiful woman has. Power, very seductive power."

I've occasionally seen a bumper sticker that says, "Boys Drool/Girls Rule." Yep, females have a lot of power alright, but I think it's probably hard for them to understand its source, beyond the purely physical aspect.

"Should I start writing romance novels?"

Seriously? I think it's something you might want to consider.

Michelle said...

Oh Snow....a little challenge....I didn't go on because my brain isn't functioning very well.....however, do you think that women don't think such things???? I can assure you we do, well, I do.....I could certainly want to be Ashton whats his face 'when I grow up'....or bonk him till he grows up.....or some such stuff. I am staring the time in face when I can't BE a fantasy anymore...and I don't like it, no not ONE BIT. So, yeah, I could go on, but I won't...sorry :)

xxxxx

The Blog Fodder said...

Nothing kills a good fantasy like having it come true.

Thank God for unanswered prayers.

Gaston Studio said...

I sometimes wonder what God was thinking when he/she created men and women. Human life is just plain complicated; relationships are simply beyond comprehension.

Personally, I think we women grow old and lose our physical beauty primarily from the stress of trying to figure it all out.

Natalie said...

She's gorgeous. Not unlike a young Peggy. Hmmmm....

Renee said...

I love how even when you are talking about another woman; you bring it back to your love for just one woman.

Love Renee xoxo

Ananji said...

It's heartening to read that you recognize the folly in placing a person in too high esteem. You're right that men sometimes make that mistake with women. But we women do the same with men, too, so...

It's sometimes difficult to reconcile reality to fantasy, isn't it, Snow? But in my little world, the I keep them separate by using the fantasy for creative, and the reality for survival. I'm not sure if that's the trick for everyone, but it's what works for me.

But then, as you say, there are those other times of day/night when we're alone with our minds and we feel the void between fantasy and reality. I suppose that's part of the human condition. It's hard to imagine that anyone, anyone feels entirely complete in those "alone with the mind" moments.

Such is life, as they say.

Thank you for this post. It was a sweet feeling to read your vulnerability, your insight and resolve.

Ananji

Rikkij said...

yes, funny how you keep coming back to that. Almost like you're standing on your own doorstep with an armload of encyclopedias. Guess it's hard to sell them these days.
Anyway, it seems to me you've discovered the secret only age reveals; that the mind doesn't age with the body and the wants and dreams can't be quenched with reason but for the moment a shadow allows. Just sayin...~rick

Celeste Maia said...

I came to your blog having no idea what it was like, and had a lot of fun. I had never heard of Marit Larsen, and I can see your point that she is no angel. Underneath the little girl's voice and pretty smile lurks a predatory being in disguise.

Pamela Terry and Edward said...

Well, not to be nitpicky,
but perhaps, just perhaps...you might have had a better shot with Edie if you'd remembered her name was
Edie Adams and not Edie Lawrence.

Just saying. :)

Snowbrush said...

MIchelle: "I am staring the time in face when I can't BE a fantasy anymore"

I've heard women say that, when they were young, they got too much attention from men; then, when they got older, they didn't get any, as if if they had become become invisible.

The Blog Fodder: "Thank God for unanswered prayers."

Well, if God would only answer ALL my prayers, I could change my mind and go back to where I was if I didn't like where a prayer had taken me.

Jane: "I think we women grow old and lose our physical beauty primarily from the stress of trying to figure it all out."

That would explain why we men just keep on looking so damn good, like millions and millions of Sean Connerys.

Natalie: "Not unlike a young Peggy. Hmmmm...."

Yes, she definitely represents a type that I'm attracted to.

Renee: "...even when you are talking about another woman; you bring it back to your love for just one woman."

Peggy insists on it, you know, which means that every story I tell has to have basically the same ending. Sure does thwart my creativity.

Ananji: "placing a person in too high esteem.... we women do the same with men, too"

I see this in the faces of women fans. For whatever reason, men don't gather in large crowds and throw away every shred of their dignity when a female pop star or actor comes to town. Several women even committed suicide when Valentino died. Women definitely have their own ways of being foolish, but it's remarkable how different they can look to what men do.

Rikkij: "yes, funny how you keep coming back to that."

It is the human condition, I think, to become stuck on various themes in our lives because we can't figure out how to get past them. As a blogger who wants to make his blog into something of a literary contribution, I struggle with how to avoid being boringly repetitious, but there is also at work here my efforts to keep looking at some of the themes in my life from different angles until, hopefully, I can find my way beyond them.

Celeste Maia: "Underneath the little girl's voice and pretty smile lurks a predatory being in disguise."

I'm surprised that you would make such a harsh judgment, and am wondering what led you to it. It's the counterpart, of course, of me seeing her as an angel; only I know that I am projecting onto her what I want to find. Could you, do you think, being doing the same?

It's not necessarily related to you point, but you might want to note that she was playing a role in this video. For example, she never, so far as I know, wears bangs, and her hair is almost certainly not a dark brown. As I see it, she's prettier here than in "real" life, but she's also trying to appear young and innocent here, and young and innocent is not a look that normally finds favor with 26 year old women who have to deal daily with the challenges of being professional musicians.

Snowbrush said...

Pamela Terry and Edward: "...you might have had a better shot with Edie if you'd remembered her name was Edie Adams and not Edie Lawrence."

No, it wouldn't have mattered. I was too young and her too old. Did you ever see the Christopher Reeves' movie "Somewhere in Time"? That's how it was for Edie and me, just as that's how it is for Marit and me today. At least Christopher Reeves knew which way in time he wanted to travel.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am indebted to you for your correction.

Diana said...

Is someone having a problem aging?

Snowbrush said...

Diana: "Is someone having a problem aging?"

I can scarcely argue with the obvious. Turning 60 combined with so much pain and physical limitation has by no means been easy.

Lisa said...

fantasy- what a world i live in, retreat to, when al becomes too hard, when real becomes just a tad too real.
its the ultimate escape- helps us to keep balance, to deal with the stuff that would otherwise knock us down.............

CreekHiker said...

Funny, I saw the Grace Slick interview last week and I LOVE her with her gray hair and chubby body. She's still outspoken and she's still got that voice! But now, she's not "packaged" by the Hollyweird machine!

Snowbrush said...

Lisa: "fantasy- what a world i live in, retreat to, when al becomes too hard..."

Would you say then, Lisa, that your fantasies enable you to return to that other world refreshed? Mine are sometimes more in the direction of an obsession.

CreekHiker: "I saw the Grace Slick interview last week..."

I haven't seen a recent interview. Who did it?

Creekhiker: "But now, she's not "packaged" by the Hollyweird machine!"

Was she during the 60s, did she say? I am unaware of any influence that Hollywood might have had. My impression of her at the time was that she very much shaped her own image and was quite pleased with her role as a sexy rock diva who was at the forefront of a movement to lead the world into a state of higher consciousness through chemicals. Other than such family friendly groups as the Osmonds and the Monkees (which were created for TV), I don't think Hollywood had any idea what to do with the more hardcore, drug-oriented groups. Remember, this was an era when The Smothers Brothers and Laugh-In had serious censorship problems.

Marion said...

Hell, Snow-man, she's so damned cute, I want to have sex with her, too! Perhaps we could work up a menage a trois? Your wild Looziana friend.... ;-)

Snowbrush said...

Marion: "she's so damned cute, I want to have sex with her, too! Perhaps we could work up a menage a trois?"

Men just love it when a woman talks like that! I am also superlatively, hyperventilatingly, ecstatically, and even overwroughtedly pleased that you approve of my taste in women. However, you have seen a great deal of me (face, arms, even a little leg from time to time) while all I have seen of you is one foot with a bug on it. But, what the hell, what more could I ask for--right?

By the way, do you mind if I leave it to you to ask her? I think she would take it better coming from you. You do have SUCH a way with words, after all. I mean, look how easy it was for you to talk ME into it.

Celeste Maia said...

I was totally joking about Marit Jensen. I have no idea who she is, but did find her song intriguing. I realize now that one does not "joke" about Marit Jensen...sorry.
I also read "Two Years Before The Mast", it is a classic which I enjoyed reading, among many other books, in preparation for THE trip. Thanks about your comment. I dont why I thought you lived in Europe, now why is that?

Sonia ;) said...

Snow...
I think fantasies keep our creativity alive....I myself fantasize os Sean Connery, Michael Buble, Carey Grant,and the list go on and on....You need to stir up emotion in the soul, mind and creativity. She is very pretty, old world pretty...Intellect is a good thing.

My witches Hat has always been on the good side....

xoxox S

Marion said...

LOL! For sure, I'll ask her. I'll keep you posted. And you *have* seen my brown eyes. Will post my photo of me on my motorcycle soon. Hugs!!

Lille Diane said...

Hello, Snow...

I've not been visiting many friends lately catching up on some healing, and down time. But I'm back, and thanks for keeping me company at my place [via comment box] during my absence of reading people I follow.

We all look in the mirrors and wonder what happened to that "girl" or "handsome young buck" who lives inside our heads. Marilyn Monroe will always be a beauty--forever frozen in time in her prime.

I will always be grateful for being born a woman. And if I'm half as blessed as my grandmother was, I will have a twinkle in my eye until I die.

I'm grateful for my dear Superman, because he takes care of me in many of the same ways you do Peggy. Until him, I've never had such a gift in a man who puts me first. He treats me like a Goddess, and I deserve every ounce of spoiling he gives me. And I spoil him back.

Bottom line... when you're lying in the moonlight next to your lover, skin to skin, breath to breath... it becomes an ageless moment in time. Staying a beautiful woman or man is possible if you can stay beautiful between the ears. It's all about attitude. And finally, we all need to express our gratitude for the Peggy's and the Supermen in our lives.... every, single day.

CreekHiker said...

Snow, Parts of this interview went national around the time of this post... She does claim to have "manufactured" her look herself.

http://cbs2.com/local/grace.slick.gallery.2.1113657.html

JOE TODD said...

Two thoughts:
1. Distraction can be a good thing

2. "I wish I knew then what I know now" Have a great day Snow

Dumbwit Tellher ♥ said...

So beautifully written. Proves again, why is youth wasted on the young. To only be able to travel back & possess our youth but retain our wisdom. I wish! I loved Marit's music, must be that Norwegian in me.. Thank you for visiting my blog. Very appreciated.

Great blog my dear! ~ Deb

Snowbrush said...

Celeste Maia "I realize now that one does not "joke" about Marit Jensen...sorry."

As one who himself says off-the-wall things in an effort to be funny, I have observed that people take it in one of three ways: (1) They recognize that I meant to be funny and think I succeeded. (2) They recognize that I meant to be funny but think I failed. (3) They don't recognize that I mean to be funny and fear that I am a tad nutty. I interpreted your comment as a #3. Your blog told me otherwise.

Sonia "I think fantasies keep our creativity alive..."

I agree, but I also think our fantasies can be unwanted and destructive--as I'm sure you would agree--and my fantasies regarding women have more often fallen in this category.

Marion "Hugs!!"

And hugs back to you, Marion.

Lille Diane: "I will always be grateful for being born a woman"

And I've always liked being male. My father saw himself as transgendered, and it pretty much ruined his life.

Joe: "Have a great day Snow"

Thanks, Joe.

Dumbwit Tellher: "So beautifully written."

Thank you, Dumbwit. I enjoyed your blog, and I'm glad you liked Marit's music.

The Sagittarian said...

My husband snores, and I do the kicking. We're happy that way! :-)
Birthdays are good for you, the moer of them you have the longer you live. Scientifically proven.
Hadn't heard of that singer before, quite enjoyed it. Cheers!
BTW, am deeply envious that OUR Katherine chose to visit you!!

geek said...

You know, I've been a very big fan of Marit Larsen ever since I was 12 (a span of 8 years) ever since the time when she was still in a duo called M2M (with Marion Raven). I knew all of their songs by heart. You could ask me any of their songs, and I could sing them with perfect lyrics (maybe not in perfect tune).

Like you, I've also imagined myself meeting her. I imagined being best friends with her and traveling the world with her. I even imagined being in a band with her. I lived much of my teen-age years in day-dreaming, and I still am. Maybe I am missing something in my life.

"She looks angelic, but she’s not an angel. I know that, really I do." Thanks for reminding me of this. I tend to forget it sometimes.

Snowbrush said...

Sagittarian, I am glad you enjoyed the music. I don't just kick and snore--I do it pathologically. The snoring? Sleep apnea. I now use a CPAP, and that eliminates the snoring, but it sounds like a respirator. The kicking? Nocturnal myclonous. For that, I take pills. Maybe they help, but since I'm asleep, I don't really know.

Dear Geek, I'm glad to have struck a common cord.

You stopped short of saying that you would like to BE Marit Larsen. When I said that, it was hyperbole. What I meant was that I would like to have many of the things that I imagine her to have. Mostly, I would like to be young again. Being young the first time around wasn't that great, but what I did get from it was a sense that the future stretched a long way in front of me, and that something great could--and eventually would--come into my life. With age comes a sense that time is receding rather than appearing. I once thought that life (my life anyway) had some sort of implied guarantee of fulfillment. I no longer believe that. I think, though, that most people probably hold onto their fantasies of perfection; they just project them up into the sky and/or into another world that they will go to after this one.

Geek: "She looks angelic, but she’s not an angel. I know that, really I do." "'Thanks for reminding me of this. I tend to forget it sometimes.'"

I doubt that many boys build such fantasies around another boy. I don't know why. Males envy other men, but seldom to the point of deification. I'm pretty clear that I build fantasies of perfection that are unrealizable in an actual person, but this raises the question of why build them. I don't know--maybe if I thought about it, I could come up with something, but, for now, I'm drawing a blank.

Kerry said...

Funny! This was funny, and the comments are all terrific. As for Marit, she is indeed really gorgeous. I hope her music improves, because c'mon folks, you know that's her weak point here.

Snowbrush said...

Thanks for dropping by, Kerry.

Kerry: "I hope her music improves, because c'mon folks, you know that's her weak point here."

Like art, music is in the eye (or the ear, in this case) of the beholder. Take Sarah Brightman--can she sing? Janis Joplin? The first is a virtuoso. The second was probably beyond the help of voice lessons, yet her all-out rawness together with her seeming ability to put her very soul into her music still touches many of us.

I think Marit Larsen's voice couldn't have been better suited to this particular song--which I consider mostly well-written. I also think that the video itself was masterfully produced, and that her part in the video was well-acted.

geek said...

"You stopped short of saying that you would like to BE Marit Larsen."
Maybe this is where we differ. I never really wanted to be her. I wanted to be with her.

"I'm pretty clear that I build fantasies of perfection that are unrealizable in an actual person, but this raises the question of why build them." In my case, I build fantasies of perfection because I want to have that perfection -- which can be frustrating, and I am trying to stop doing.

By the way, Marit Larsen wrote the song herself. You should also watch her performance in the Nobel Peace Prize awards. She was so nervous while singing. She was very adorable.

geek said...

By the way, cheers to 100 followers! Congratulations! I would offer you a bottle of wine, if I could. Hugs from across the globe. :)

Snowbrush said...

Geek: "I build fantasies of perfection because I want to have that perfection"

For me, it's not about perfection but salvation--from death, boredom, and meaninglessness--and I could never build such fantasies around people of my own gender. Interesting--and possibly inevitable--that both of us build our fantasies around people we don't know.

I thought that Marit probably wrote the song herself. Unlike Kerry, I consider her quite gifted, although I don't own any of her music. If she hadn't done this one song and this one video, she wouldn't have attracted my attention. Yet, I can understand her appeal to you. I think she's at her best when one can see her sing; she has a magnetic personality.

"cheers to 100 followers!"

Thank you, although I don't take it to mean a great deal. I will call mine a personal essay blog (for want of a better term), and will offer that I know of other such blogs that are literary disasters yet have hundreds of followers while still others are quite good yet only have four. I don't see readership primarily, at least, as a refection of quality but of how much time one is willing to spend on the Internet visiting other people's blogs.

rhymeswithplague said...

I read you regularly, but I am not one of your 100 "followers" -- no, sir.

Snowbrush said...

I just approved two comments, but only one appeared. I signed on and off several times trying to find it, but it's gone, and I'm sorry.

Rhymes: "I am not one of your 100 "followers" -- no, sir."

Yet, Rhymes, you contribute more than most people who are, and I appreciate that. I always look forward to what you have to say, and I am even sorry when I post something that I fear might offend you. I think you know that I never post anything without putting a lot of thought into it and how it will be taken. I never mean to offend, and I'm very glad that you find enough here that pleases you for you to keep coming back.

Bernie said...

Snowbrush, am I the only woman who is enjoying getting older. Yes I was young once, pretty and had the eye of men and that was great but now it's time for the young ones to have their turn, their time of beauty and attention and I am happy for them. Now at 62 I smile and remember but in this season of my life I am blessed to have now I love the choices I make with all the knowledge and experience I have gathered in my youth. I am comfortable to be in my own skin, know financial secutity and life is good with less responsabilities, loyal friends, strong bonds with siblings and the freedom I so deserve. This is my time and I wouldn't want to go back to any other age or be anyone else...just love being me.....:-) Bernie

All Consuming said...

So sorry hon, have nee even read the post attatched, just wantef to touch base...got out from the damn torture centre late evening, hubby was too frazzled to post anything this time, but had they kept me in one more week, mark me I'd have enroled someone to say I was still here! Been there and back for 2 rotten weeks and facts are tis most likely twill happen again till they find the right medication...one of the worst parts for me is being in damn ward after ward with other people, who, even if you draw the curtain round are still there. I cannot bear to have no time alone, even an hour at worst, so 24hrs again and again...anyhoo am home again for the moment sweetie, and I dearly thank youb for your kindness, tis very much appreciated :D xxxx *virtual hugs twice

Christine Orchanian Adler said...

Snowbrush, I'd never heard of this Marit person--thank you for sharing the video! I know my comment isn't related to your writing today, but I have to say I hear a bit of a young Dolly Parton in Marit's voice. I guess I'm showing my age too...

Snowbrush said...

Bernie: "Snowbrush, am I the only woman who is enjoying getting older?"

No one else has mentioned it. Do you think much about your proximity to the end of your life? At 62, you're likely to be 3/4 of the way through. Such thoughts bother me--a lot. On the one hand, life just isn't that great, but, on the other, I'm don't want it be over because I think maybe things could get better.

My friend, All Consuming, has been in the hospital for two weeks after posting an entry saying she was fearful for her health. I have been worried, and I asked her to post here ASAP when she was out.

Christine, my friend, I had never thought of Marit and Dolly as being at all alike. I think of Dolly as a strong, personable, and intelligent woman, but she does nothing for me, whether in regard to her looks or her singing; I think you know how I feel about Marit.

Bernie said...

Snowbrush, at 62 I am more than 3/4 way through my life, I have no fear of death, we have always been terminal but until that day comes then I am going to enjoy every second, moment, hour I have on this beautiful earth, I also believe we are energy and energy never dies, so it will be interesting to see what form my energy will take when the time come....I know it will be fun in whatever form takes place.
Love, security, and contentment are just a few of my many blessings (hope I keep these with me when I go if not I totally plan on workng towards achieving them as I have done now) Hang in there Snowbrush, we all have had to learn to live with pain and you will as well......:-) Bernie

the Baitlady said...

Hi there...
This is my first visit to your blog; and I can already see that I may as well go and get another cup of coffee right now. It looks like I could be here a while.

Snowbrush said...

Bernie: "we have always been terminal "

Yes, but most of us didn't always know it, at least not at a heartfelt level, which is why young people tend to do riskier things. It is also the difference between abstractly realizing that you will die far, far out in a seemingly endless future and moving uncomfortably close to staring death in the face.

Bernie: "we are energy and energy never dies"

Again, I agree. My "parts" will indeed go on eternally in other forms (like when a junk car is made into cans, knives, and boat engines), but that's not something I find much comfort in since I, me, Snowbrush, the person who is writing this, will no longer exist anywhere in the universe.

Bernie: "we all have had to learn to live with pain"

Yes, old people live with increasing pain, but the physical pain I am in is intense, prevents me from working, and necessitates the daily use of sleeping pills, narcotics, and ice packs. It is not normal aging, and I still hope to overcome it.

When I asked you how your dealt with thoughts of your dissolution, I was certain you had found answers that comfort you, and I was all but certain that they would not comfort me (if they had, it would mean I had never encountered them, which seemed unlikely). Both were true. I basically agree with everything you wrote, yet I find but little personal comfort in it. How to explain this--the fact that we agree, yet you find cheer and I don't? I think it could be a matter of disposition creating philosophy as opposed to philosophy creating disposition. I thank you for your thoughtful response, and I am happy that you are finding this time of your life fulfilling.

Baitlady, thank you so much for visiting. I just love it when people like what I write enough to go back a way.

Reasons to be Cheerful 1,2,3 said...

I loved the video and will show her to my teens.

Beauty is shallow but handy to have. I have been feeling fat and frumpy recently then found out I'm one of the mums that my teens male friends 'fancy'. I cannot beleive how pathetically chuffed that makes me feel!

Chrisy said...

Escaping in the mind is something I wouldn't want to do without...in my dreams I'm healthy...twenty years younger...but like yours it always ends with those thoughts...but everything that is me and part of my life now be destroyed...but I still keep goin back...

Nancy said...

It's the pits growing old and having to give up some things, isn't it? I just recently ran across an old picture of me in my twenties - I think I wasted time worrying about the tiny inperfections. Those were the times when they just didn't matter, we just didn't know it.

Just_because_today said...

Nothing kills a good fantasy like having it come true.
Reminded me a lost love, nothing kills that longing like getting it back and realizing reality is different to the fantasy created in its absence