Things that go flat

My air mattress went flat last night leaving me atop a sheet of plywood that probably wasn’t the worst bed in the world but wasn’t the best either. I took my pillow to Peggy’s room planning to spend the rest of the night with her, but when I opened her door, I saw that she was with a guy—a black guy. I’ve put up with her shenanigans too long to be surprised by much of anything, but I was vexed to note that he was in the middle of her bed. This left no room for me to sleep next to her, and I wasn’t about to sleep next to some s.o.b. who was in bed with my wife.

As I turned to leave, the floor squeaked, and he opened his eyes and looked at me in surprise. We glared at each other in silence for what seemed like a long time, but probably wasn’t more than a minute or two. I wondered what he was thinking, and I suspect that he was wondering the same thing about me. Maybe he thought I was going to hit him, but I was just trying to figure out what Peggy saw in him; what he could give her that I couldn’t. All I could think of was that he was younger than I by a lot of years. Okay, to be completely honest, I have to say that he was good looking too—at least for a black guy.

“Sleep with her, but don’t marry her,” I whispered, “or you’ll end up like me: standing in the dark with a pillow in your hand, a flat air mattress on your bed, and some other dude with your wife.” I don’t suppose a marriage between a woman and a schnauzer would be valid anyway, but I wasn’t sure he knew that, and I wanted to say something that would make me sound superior. I slept in Peggy’s recliner. It, at least, was available.

The three of us had breakfast together, but he didn’t talk much, and she didn’t either. I knew better than to ask questions because Peggy doesn’t like questions before mid-afternoon. Even then, she doesn’t like questions that are too personal. Years ago, I asked her about this, and she said, “Just because we’re married, it doesn’t give you the right to go snooping into my affairs.” I knew she was unaware of the pun, but I didn’t have the guts to point it out. The thing about making Peggy mad is that Bonnie Blue Heeler will help her beat me up. I don’t know why this is because the dog seems to like me better the rest of the time.

The black guy is still here—planning to spend another night, I suppose. I couldn’t find the leak in my mattress, so I’m looking at another night in a chair.


Michelle H. said...

HAHAHAHA! You had me going until I realized you were talking about a schnauzer. Wow, that is some great writing and a great post. Sorry to hear the black guy was such a bed hog.

kylie said...

you must be feeling better :)

maybe i need a schnauzer

Snowbrush said...

Kylie said: "you must be feeling better :)"

Actually, I wrote this in 2002 and sent it off to a penpal who didn't find it funny in the least. She suggested that Peggy divorce me, and immediately stopped being my penpal. I posted it now because I don' seem able to write anything. This is actually the first time in decades that I just can't find it in me to write.

Michelle, I wondered if you would find that part about being "good looking for a black guy" racist. You might even think it's racist of me to wonder that about you based upon the fact that you are black. I'll just say that my experience is that black people are more sensitive to racism because they're the ones who suffer from it the most.

Bernie said...

Welcome back Snow, you were missed. Really enjoyed this post, I love your sense of humor.
.........:-) Hugs

Sonia ;) said...

LOL...That was hysterical. I was like omg when did this happen. I read and re read for a moment. Whew...Renee would LHFAO...


Natalie said...

Sending healing thoughts to your poor shoulders.x

Marion said...

You had me going, Snow. A great write. At my house it's cats in the bed. How have you you doing? II've missed your posts. Blessings!

Michelle H. said...

I thought nothing of that comment except wondering what the guy was doing in bed with your wife, and why you were more put off by the fact there wasn't any room in the bed for you.

Crazed Mom said...

You are so doofy! I was cracking up from the start. Knew you were talking about a fur person. Love to see you using your sense of humor in a light-hearted way.

Cyber hugs~(the best kind to give chrinic pain sufferers).

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaack.

CreekHiker said...

I've often wanted to publicly write the words my friend coined for my canine preferences but haven't had the guts until I read this.

My penchant is for dogs that are "big, black and been to jail."

She is right on all three accounts!

All Consuming said...

'Actually, I wrote this in 2002 and sent it off to a penpal who didn't find it funny in the least. She suggested that Peggy divorce me, and immediately stopped being my penpal'....Good grief, poor show on the penpal front. Your humour is such an integral part of your personality you are far better off without someone who doesn't get it methinks.

It tickled me, even though I saw it coming a mile off as I am smart-arse.

Writers block is very like painters block. When it hits me I look for some poetry online which relates to how I'm feeling, or is just so fabulous I have to share it. It keeps me feeling 'in touch'. Cats in ridiculous poses do that too, though it's Lardy who seems obsessed with downloading them.

ellen abbott said...

I was thinking you are way more understanding than me and what a weird marriage you have. I finally decided that it was made up. Totally missed the clue about the dog.

Marion said...

There are many days when the fibro fog has me staring at a blank computer page, wondering where the ideas and the words are. I've learned to not force the writing. I've learned it will come, perhaps not as often and not as prolific, but it will come.

This post is awesome...I laughed out loud a few times. My dogs have glared at me just as you described; it's quite hilarious!

Thank you for the link in your previous post. I love the humour I find there.

JOE TODD said...

Try sleeping with ten Teddy Bears and a wife LOL.. I go before the bears Go figure.. Sometimes I get "Lucky" but that is when she has mistaken me for a Teddy Bear.

Snowbrush said...

Joe said: "Sometimes I get "Lucky" but that is when she has mistaken me for a Teddy Bear."

Man but that must be hard, unless, I mean, you think Teddy Bears are so hot that you WANT to be mistaken for one.

Marion said: "I've learned to not force the writing."

I figure doing that is for people who are writing for money. I've never gone this long without writing, but then the pain IS wearing me down big-time, plus I've never had so many readers who actually care what i write, and (sad to say) this makes me feel like it matters more somehow.

Ellen said: "Totally missed the clue about the dog."

I wonder if you're the first, or at least the first who missed it the first time around.

All Consuming said: "Writers block is very like painters block."

Which is a funny concept to someone like myself who used to be a housepainter. I get an image of myself standing immobile in front of a house with a ladder and a bucket of pain telling the irate homeowner that I'm suffering from painter's block.

Creekhiker said: "My penchant is for dogs that are "big, black and been to jail."

Does the same go for your men? You would like Bonnie. One of the first people she snapped at was the president of the local kennel club. I want my next dog to be sweet-tempered and small enough to fit under an airplane seat so I will be able to travel.

Crazed Mom said: "Cyber hugs~(the best kind to give chrinic pain sufferers)."

Light massages are good too. I will have no idea how tense and drawn-up I actually am until Peggy rubs my shoulders.

MIchelle said: "wondering...why you were more put off by the fact there wasn't any room in the bed for you."

Ha, I guess it was because I had my priorities straight--Maslowe's pyramid and all.

Marion said: "At my house it's cats in the bed."

I could go that way too. In fact, we're thinking about it for when our dogs die.

Sonia said: "Renee would LHFAO"

Oh, but that makes me sad. Yes, she would. I rarely left a serious comment on her blog when she was suffering so because that was what the four million readers before me had done. I often felt the need to lighten things up, and she always responded well to my dark humor.

Hey, Bernie. Good to see you too.

Hey, Natalie. Healing thoughts are always welcome.

Becky said...

Thanks for bringing a smile to my day! So glad to see you are back and in top form!
Love & Light~
OM girl

nollyposh said...

Thankyou for the smile that your post put on my face Snow X:-) i need that today x

Gaston Studio said...

I confess to knowing where you were heading with this but no matter when it was written, it was done beautifully and really is funny!

rhymeswithplague said...

As the grandfather of a household that includes a black Labrador named Sharpie, I understood what you were saying at the first mention. But it was still funny!

geek said...

I had to search what a schnauzer is before I fully understood the humor.. Slow..

babbler said...

Mr. Snowbrush,
I enjoyed reading about the interloper in your bed. That black guy did not look "too Oregonian," did he? It may be the thing that saved him if he did!

I decided to slide on over today and say a cheery hello, the slugs have been back from LA long enough to have visited you before now, I posted a few "travel slugs" on those airline napkins, then realized I had not done a fresh one for your reading enjoyment - I hope the new ones are less offensive to any other fellow Oregonians out there, for when I saw your comment, I said to Mr. Slug, "Look! I think we may have offended Mr. Snowbrush!" Mr. Slug told me I should come over and smooth things out with you, make amends and extend a nice cup of cammomile tea your way. So, now it is official - all the slugs love you, we have all been busy doing slug things and have not forgotten you. We all send you pink and yellow warm thoughts of comfort, made into a big ball of yarn and woven thoughtfully to make a big imaginary snuggle blanket just for you! Enjoy! Love from Mr. and Mrs. Slug and the Italian exchange student slug who will be staying at Slugs Rest for the remainder of the high school year. (the young slug is sliding smoothly through high school so far!)

Sonia ;) said...

Snow...I will miss Renee too...I hope her family leaves it up. Who knows...Ya she had a great sense of humor, never took anything out of context. You joke with her like a drunk sailor..LOL...she had a trucker mind HaHa...Im thankful for her....Funny how we met through her...Oh GOD DAMN she left me with you...LOL...Its ok Snow I love I will just pester you....when I have questions about life, pain, bullshit, and heart ache...Ha Ha...No Birds and bees though she covered that topic LOL...

Love ya Snow

Natalie said...

Happy belated birthday, Snow! xx♥

Snowbrush said...

Becky said: "Thanks for bringing a smile to my day!"

Same to you, Becky. Just seeing your smiling photo cheers me, and then of course, come your words.

Nollyposh said: "Thankyou for the smile that your post put on my face..."

I can unhesitatingly say to you what I just said to Becky.

Gaston Studio said: "I confess to knowing where you were heading with this but no matter when it was written..."

I am so sad that I can no longer lie to you because you long ago caught onto me. Did you know that some people never do--my mother, for example? She got to where she would check with Peggy to see if I was telling the truth. One day she did this when I was telling the truth, but Peggy lied to her and said I wasn't. Naturally, it was all off for me persuading her otherwise.

Well, Rhymes, I didn't fool you either, so I will just back at you what I just said to Jane.

Geek said: "I had to search what a schnauzer is before I fully understood the humor.. Slow.."

I don't know about slow. It seems more likely to me that you just don't see a lot of schnauzers in the Philippines. Would that be true?

Babbler said: "I decided to slide on over today and say a cheery hello, the slugs have been back from LA long enough to have visited you before now..."

My English friend, now you have me wondering if you were really here in Oregon USA at that in all your skinny, slimy splendor. If you were, I would have LOVED to have seen you.

Sonia said: "I will miss Renee too...I hope her family leaves it up."

For those who didn't know her, Renee was a Canadian blogger (Circling Overhead is the name of her blog) who wrote about having terminal cancer among other things. She died on March 10. She so loved her blog, Sonia, that I would be MOST surprised if her daughter takes it down. They were obviously very close.

Natalie said: "Happy belated birthday, Snow!"

Thank you, Natalie. Now that I've mentioned it in other places, I wish I had made note of it here too, but I didn't want to deflect attention away from my post.

pink dogwood said...

You are hilarious :)

pink dogwood said...

Happy Belated Birthday - I will tell my daughter that she shares the birthday with this great guy I know on the Internets :)

Sonia ;) said...

I was wondering how you are feeling? What has been going on in your neck of the world? Besides the the other man.

Miss chatting with you.


Snowbrush said...

Pink and Sonia, I so appreciate both of you. I've found that some people respect my writing until it comes to the darker humor, which is actually one of the things I like best about me.

There is a Portland cartoonist named Callahan who is a quadriplegic, and who enjoys poking fun at disabilities and at the very political correctness that denies that those disabilities exist with terms like "alternately abled" that speak more of the users' discomfort than of their compassion toward other people.

The connection I'm trying to make here is that humor is a survival technique, especially dark humor. A great many people really don't get that, or else really don't care because they judge it negatively.

I've got another humor piece almost ready, but it's worse than this one--at least it will offend more people. This brings me to ask myself how much I owe my readers versus how much I owe myself. I don't mind being judged so much as I mind leaving people out of the loop, so to speak, because they can't even tell that I'm trying to be funny. I've lost friends that way.

dana said...

Oh, I knew who was in bed with your wife from the moment you entered the bedroom. When I married Joe 9 years ago, I commented: "I did not marry you this late in life to share the bed with a DOG!" I also said that again, concerning the kitchen table and our space on the sofa. It wasn't long before I started mentioning that IF we ever got divorced, I wanted the "baby".

Times change and, thankfully, so does our ability to change with it, and eventually LOVE it and embrace it. Now we have a new fur-baby, and his place is right beside us in the bed, at the table, and on the sofa.

I'm just a human, and he's "just" a dog, but I love him and would do anything in my power to make up for his past 3 years in a puppy mill. When I'm down, or hurting, he's right there and would willingly take my suffering upon himself (if you can believe what he says) lol

Quite a contrast to any loving, heavenly father that we're to love AND fear, while turning a deaf ear to our pleadings.

So......our "child", Joe, and I know love, suffering, and the joy of companionship. Quite a contrast to my days of lonely prayers, worship and fear.

Just remember that GOD spelled backwards is DOG, and a much better comforter cannot be found.

(sorry about the air mattress though. I'd suspect the black guy had something to do with it.)

RNSANE said...

My dear Snowbrush, I am back home after the saddest three weeks in GA, caring for my 86-year-old mother who suffered both a right temporal lobe stroke and was in atrial fibrillation. After a week in the hospital, she is now in an extended care facility forty miles from my brother's home in the Atlanta area. She finally, intermittently, did recognize us but she is not doing well. Since losing her eye sight to macular degeneration, she has wanted to die and I think that is where she is headed, not eating and refusing her medications.

Your post today, at least, made me chuckle. You seem to maintain your sense of humor, in spite of everything. I shall try to do the same.

Chrisy said...

Very write sooo well dearest!

Christine Robinson said...

Loved this, Snow. Some works are timeless. Write like hell when you can write, so you've got some evidence of your genius when you're in the block.

Hope the drought ends soon for you. It's a drag when the words are locked.