What to do with a catatonic cat

Peggy and I took Brewsky to the vet last week for the free check-up that we were promised when we adopted him. We had to wait a long time for the vet to finish his cigarette break, and when he finally did come in, we were practically in tears. He asked what the hell could be wrong since he hadn’t even done anything yet, and we said that he had recently euthanized our cat-hating old dog in the same room that he was about to examine our dog-hating young cat. He started laughing like a man who had positively lost his mind. Peggy and I were just a little completely outraged by this display of inappropriate jollity, so we sat with our arms folded and glared at him hatefully.

After what seemed like a half hour but was probably no more than twenty-seven minutes, we looked at one another, and we could each see in the other’s eyes that we too thought it was pretty funny—in a weird kind of way—so we started laughing with him, and in no time all three of us were laughing so hard that we were crying. It turned out to be a really great vet visit, partly because nobody had to be killed but mostly because it was free. I had much rather go home with a dead animal than to go home with a hundred dollar charge on my credit card.

When we told the vet that we were virtual virgins when it came to owning a cat, he took it upon himself to help us understand how cats think, but he used a lot of technical jargon about feline sexual fantasies, and we couldn’t follow it any too well, so he finally summed up everything he had said by telling us that all we really need to remember is that cats are sexual perverts, and that there’s no point in even trying to understand them. He suggested that we write this down for future reference, but neither of us had a pencil, so we just repeated it in our heads until we had memorized it.

He asked how things were going with our new cat, and we told him that we were having two problems. He said that he needed a smoke, so he would only have time for one of them, so while he trimmed his fingernails, we told him that Brewsky was keeping us up all night every night only to sleep all day—when we had to be up. The vet said that this served as a case in point for what he had said about how sexually obsessed cats are, but that we didn’t have to put up with Brewsky’s selfishness. He suggested that we embark upon what he called Feline Sleep Re-Programization (it goes by the acronym FELINESLEEPREROGRAMIZATION).

Basically what we’re supposed to do is to keep one or more battery operated squirt bottles in every room plus the garage, attic, crawlspace, front porch, back porch, front yard, backyard, vegetable garden, and flower beds. We said that we only needed nine bottles because Brewsky stays indoors, but the vet insisted on selling us 34 bottles plus 102 gallons of tap water just to be on the safe side. The brand name for these bottles is Deluge-A-Kitty, and they each have a gallon tank that’s good for two squirts. They also have a strobe light and an air horn (it’s not quite as loud as a train whistle) that come on automatically when you squeeze the trigger. What we’re supposed to do is to tiptoe all over the house and yard (the vet said that we might as well look everywhere since we own so many bottles) twice every hour, and when we catch Brewsky napping, let him have it. When we asked the vet if all that water isn’t a little tough on furniture, sheetrock, knickknacks, electronics, wall-hangings, carpeting, clothing, woodwork, books, elderly dogs, and so forth, he sold us a gasoline-powered blow dryer that can hit 650 degrees Fahrenheit on high.

We’ve only been using the bottles for three days, and Brewsky is already staying awake all day. That’s the good news. The bad news is that he’s staying awake all night too. He has also stopped eating and playing (he did drink a little water day before yesterday), and he will only shit in our shoes. Mostly, he just sits in the corner while staring at the floor and trembling. We’re starting to worry that he might have some hereditary psychological problem, because we can’t understand why else he would start acting screwy just when he’s showing progress toward staying awake during normal, healthy daylight hours. I’m not saying that we’ve given up hope yet because we’re more patient than most people, but if he doesn’t snap out of it in the next two days, we’re going to have him euthanized, and we’re going to ask the vet to do it in the same room he used for Baxter. Then, when we get another new cat, we’re going to have him examined in that room so we can see the vet laugh like that again. This was Peggy’s idea, and when I asked her why she was so enamored of laughing vets, she said it was because our laughing vet has a tight ass and nice dimples. Peggy might be old, but she’s not completely dead, I guess.


kylie said...

you absolutely outdid yourself on this one!
freakin hilarious!!
i was laughing like a hyena on drugs and the kids wanted to know why....they are used to my manic giggling at odd times so if they were asking it h ad to be serious!!!


Becky said...

Laughed til I cried, Snowbrush!!!
I've got a few of those squirt bottles if ya need any more! :*)

Mad Mind said...

Forgive my text speak, but LMAO!!! Thhis was great Snow.

You hit on the exact reason why I don't have cats. I'm afraid you would be the only one laughing.

rhymeswithplague said...

I regret to have to be the one to inform you that the psychological problem your cat is exhibiting is NOT hereditary but a result of some unknown but obviously traumatic experiences in his recent past...

Mim said...

I want your vet - mine had a saggy ass!

CreekHiker / HollysFolly said...

OMG! I needed a good laugh tonight! You are one funny character!

The Blog Fodder said...

Wonderful. Cats can be, no, ARE a great deal of strange.

yoborobo said...

Tell Peggy she can borrow one of my plushies and take it to the vet. In case she misses his, um, laughter. You are one funny dude, Snow. :)

studio lolo said...

I obviously haven't been following you long enough to realize this was mostly BS :P

Any vet who chooses to have a cigarette rather than pay attention to me and my pet, I'm outa there.

And my jaw was literally on the floor when (you said) he suggested squirting and tormenting your NATURALLY NOCTURNAL cat until he was trembling from sleep deprivation and fear of his new owner.

So I'm walking away, shaking my head at you (again) and hoping, HOPING this was all total BS and that you and Peggy adore him ;)

And if you really DO want Brewsky to have some nap time during the day, get one of those feathers on the end of a long wand thingy and have at it. They love them!

Marion said...

Poor brewsky! You cracked me up, Snow. But I can one-up you: one of my cats jumped up on the stove (with a gas fire on) and caught his fir on fire. Fir...fire...Hmm. Anyway, after careful checking, he seems to be okay with only some singed fur and whiskers and wounded pride. It was Gir, my, uh, intellectually-challenged cat. Actually, he's just plain nuts and I'm sure his malady is NOT in the new feline DSM-5. (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders).

Love the vet story. We used water pistols to keep the cats off the cabinets. But, as you can see from the above story, we regressed. I guess they're like kids, you have to keep after them.

By the way, HAPPY NEW YEAR! I'm looking forward to many more Brewsky tales.

Love & Blessings,

Robin said...

Snow, you are too funny!

Brewsky RULES!

May 2011 bring you and Peggy many more "Tales of Brewsky, the Night-Wanderer"!


♥ Robin ♥

The Tusk said...

A cat with a sexual perversion, sounds like a hip dude from the sixties who ran into the movie Fritz the Cat from the early 70's.

I learn a great deal from you by reading your blogs and find many similarities in our lives when it comes to animals. For one your love of Bees and a natural respect for them.

Cats are very sexual creatures. When I'm not dog whispering, I am trying to win a cat over with baby like massages ending with a technique I use where my pinky and pointer finger are caressing her ears upward while my middle finger rides the bridge of her nose.

If I have gotten this far, it usually means I have their attention.

I have always asked my self why the Sphinx was what it was. To revere animals in the manner ancient generations did is to look into the soul(oops mannerisms of human behavior and compare them in likeness to our own behavior in a Kinetic or Evolutionary way) I prefer to say Animal behavior and Human behavior are very similar on the root level.

We are all sexual creatures, bravo to peggy, get back to some of that good yoga Snow, your legs may come alive again and the pain might transgress.

I'm looking into a Pfizer blog that you might be interested in. Ill get back to you with that.

gotta run fo know.

Myrna R. said...

Great, hilarious post! Your writing is truly entertaining. Hope Brewsky does finally get some sleep.

Winifred said...

Glad I read your comment about the truth I was beginning to wonder!

Nice sense of humour though and great imagination. Now I wonder whether I'll ever believe anything you write in future Snowbrush!

Watch it or the vet may sue.
Happy New Year!

Kristen said...

This is Nobel Prize Worthy! Thank you so much for the wonderful laugh.
Thank you for the complement on my cards too by the way.

ellen abbott said...

Funny. And good luck with the cat. I have found closed doors and ear plugs to come in very handy.

kj said...

jeez, snow, i don't find this funny. i feel for brewsky. i've never heard of the advice your vet gave you. i know plenty of cats and they sleep most of the time. jarring brewsky awake like that sounds traumatic. and if he's not eating and is trembling, i'm thinking this is not what he needs.

i don't mean to be disagreeable although i know i am disagreeing. do you know teri or laurel from our blogging buddies? because they both know cat behavior and they are wise and pragmatic. i'm happy to get you to either if you would like.

i don't like your vet, snow.

Lorraina said...

I'm so glad the trip to the vet was successful and so much fun Snow.
I'd sure like to find a cool vet for my Pavel; the ones around here are total nuts. If Pavel should need a vet in the future i'll be sure to contact you for the name and address and maybe you'll even get a kick-back! ;)

Bubba said...

That was perfectly written. Simply brilliant! I loved it.

citygirl said...

Cats are crazy, which is what makes them sorta perfect.

I'd keep those spray bottles on hand for when he decides to spray or claw the furniture. Having to put patches on your new couch? Always fun...

River said...

Oh, this is hysterical! You bought tap water??
And umpteen spray bottles??
Geez, you're a sucker!
One spray bottle and your kitchen tap is all you need.
I think it's great that cats sleep all day, it means I don't have to watch or entertain them.
Build or convert a room for the cat at night; put in toys, food, litter box and a bed. At night, put Brewsky in there and shut the door so you can sleep.

Diana said...

You cannot train a cat. A cat can however train you. Or drive you absolutely insane. As I said before, lock him out of your room at night, it's your only hope. Trust me, I've had eight cats at one time over the past twenty years. I am down to three now and will not be getting anymore. I've done my time. Has he been fixed? That can be a huge help! Sometimes....
Love Di ♥

Snowbrush said...

River said: "You bought tap water?? And umpteen spray bottles?? Geez, you're a sucker!"

I thought they were a prudent purchase at $4.99 a gallon! Of course, the water does smell like milk because the vet didn't wash the jugs out any too good before he filled them.

Diana, yes, he's neutered. The shelter doesn't adopt them out any other way, and it is a policy of which I heartily approve.

Citygirl said: "Cats are crazy, which is what makes them sorta perfect."

If you feel the same way about men, you and I would get along famously.

KJ said: "i feel for brewsky."

How about me, KJ!? If that sucker starves his sorry ass to death, I'm out $35.

Lorraina said: " If Pavel should need a vet in the future i'll be sure to contact you for the name and address and maybe you'll even get a kick-back! ;)"

If I do, I'll use it to take you and Pavel out to Kitty, Kitty, Bang-Bang for their $3.99 businessmen's lunch special. Maybe Citygirl can go too.

Laura said...

Oh good! You're crazy too!
Phew! I hate tip toeing around new friends blogs until they get to "know" me. ;p
This was hilarious! I laughed the whole way through the post. ;D

Thanks so much for stopping by my blog. I love meeting new people.

Ciao For Niao!

All Consuming said...

Hahahaha, that cheered me up! My friends have all been through the 'washing up bottle' stage with their cats. It's good fun though feels like sanctioned animal abuse HA!

We have the flu back again. Joy.

Punk Chopsticks said...

LMAO that is just so wrong and so hilarious at the same time XD

While I'm definitely a dog person, you gotta hand it to the cats for knowing how to be so adolescent and yet so loved at the same time. I guess all us teens have to do to get more attention is grow a tail and the skin's surface area's worth of fur...man, we've been going at it all wrong.

Pat - Arkansas said...

Poor, poor Brewsky! Of course he is catatonic if you're going to go around squirting him with milky water everytime he tries to take a catnap!

My three cats, on average, sleep 20 hours a day and tear up Jake the other 4 hours, are quite reasonable about letting me sleep undisturbed. Can't remember how long it took for that to happen, though, since they are currently aged 10, 9 and 8, and I've had them all since kitten-hood.

Just_because_today said...

sexual perverts...that explains it. I never knew when the pervert rubbed against my legs, it was because the cat wanted to throw me in the sack! and my cat is a female so now I have a lesbian cat too.

Snowbrush said...

Peggy used to say she would never have a male dog because it was disgusting the way they humped people's legs. Then we got both a male and a female and, guess what, the male never once humped anyone in all his 11 years, whereas the female has humped me soundly everyday for 13 years. Naturally, Peggy disapproves of this display of amour. I think Peggy is just jealous.

tattytiara said...

Haha, I get the feeling one of these days Brewsky's going to get in touch with his own inner "squirt bottle" and develop his own "training program".

Marion said...

I read this when you first posted it. At the time, my first reaction was horror which quickly morphed into hilarity...(hilarious horror...how about that?). Today I read it again and was able to focus on the way you drew in humour...I love the way the vet needed a smoke, but cut his fingernails instead. Very funny!

Hope you've had some sleep by now, Snow. As soon as I bring a new cat home, I put him in a room prepared for him/her. He gets accustomed to his room,he's out during the day and I'll put him back in at bedtime. And close the door. There is a bit of rumpus going on each time, but I get my sleep without waking to find a cat/kitten staring at me.

When the cat is old enough, the room is not required anymore, since eventually (in old age) they will sleep. And then, that room he was in usually gets completely redecorated, ha!

Snowbrush said...

Marion, when Brewsky goes completely wild at night, we put him in the laundry room where he has a bed, food, water, and, of course, a litter box. Mostly, though, he is content to sleep with Peggy (he won't sleep with me because my CPAP weirds him out). We are determined to make him a 100% indoor cat because his odds of living a long life are better that way, and because we don't want him out annoying people and killing things.

rhymeswithplague said...

Just don't have him de-clawed because if he ever gets outdoors and gets in a fight, he won't have a chance of holding his own in the fracas.

This is not a salacious comment, just a quaint way of speaking.

Snowbrush said...

Rhymes, we've read enough about declawing to realize that it's more akin to chopping off digits than simply removing nails.

Pamela Terry and Edward said...

I just knew there were reasons I have always been a dog person.

Snowbrush said...

No joke, Pamela! Avoid cats at all costs. They're horrid creatures without a single redeeming virtue--well, okay, a few. For example, they kill rodents (some cats, anyway); they're self-cleaning; you can carry them on airplanes (not that they want to go on airplanes); and, unlike schnauzers, they don't need haircuts, and their moustaches don't drip water all over the house after they've had a drink. Oh, and they're very limber, which isn't really an asset, I suppose, unless having a limber pet is high on your list of virtues.

rhymeswithplague said...

Limber pet...check.

I'm predicting your next pet will be a boa constrictor.

Anonymous said...

Oh you are a hoot! I found you via Kay and have faved you!

Snowbrush said...

Why thank you, Hattie. Do you have a blog? If you do, I couldn't figure out how to get to it.

Rhymes, limberness isn't terribly important to me. Coming when I call is, but Brewsky apparently feels that such things are beneath his dignity. I think it would be the same with a snake. Another problem with snakes is that they're a little smelly, at least the ones that I pick up in the woods. Of course, that could be because they squirt out some noxious substance.

Anonymous said...

Buy a chicken at Krogers. Show chicken to cat, then throw chicken in freezer. Several days later, throw cat in freezer too, long enough to see the chicken. Remove cat. Tell cat "That's what we did to our rooster when he woke us up the first time...and we loved him."

Cat will never, ever wake you again.

nollyposh said...

Lol! Snow i can always rely on you for a good larf! (Silly spelling intended) Your cat is normal... they sleep all day and want to hunt all night... it's genetics... Do what we do, at night puss sleeps in the laundry (Door closed) in a nice comfy bed with his food and water close by (We by law have to keep our cats indoors at night anyway and my husband hates cats & doesn't trust what he might get up to while we sleep so the cat literally goes to bed at night in his own room... To encourage him always feed him at the same time in his room & he will then quite happily remind you in the end when it is bed time!) and by day he will still sleep most of it away anyway because he is a cat!... Another little secret if you hate cleaning out the litter box, feed dry food at night & his meat in the morn, he will then usually want to go out for a morning poop (Rather than a night one in the tray) and then he'll be back indoors for more zzzzzzzz's no doubt like all cats! Oh and stop with the water torture or you will end up with a cat on Valium (i'm not kidding a sister in-law had her cat on them because he got upset when they got a dog & they are waaaaay more expensive than the human stuff!) Good~Luck, Vicki x

nollyposh said...

Oh and (Ps) is he desexed? Ya better if you haven't already otherwise he is going to start peeing all over the furniture with all that stress you have him under... You need a good/better vet... Or a good telly one with advice... We have "Dr Harry" & he visits homes with 'problem' pets with great common sense solutions... x

Snowbrush said...

I so appreciate the tips, but meat--what meat? Our cat eats tofu. It helps keep his weight down--way, way down. (Just kidding)

Posh, you have a LAW that cats have to be indoors at night? I would favor a law that says cats have to be indoors all the time or, at the very least, wear one of the bibs that keeps them from killing wild animals. The humane society that Brewsky came from catches feral cats, neuters them, and returns them to where they were caught. We have many such cats that live alongside the creek across from our house. Waterfowl and various mammals breed there, and the cats kill them. I try to make our yard a safe place for wild squirrels by providing them with food and houses. The last time baby squirrels were born, we watched a neighbor's cat disappear over the fence with one in its mouth. The same cat returned everyday until all four were dead. Some people claim that this is natural behavior, but I would argue that there's nothing natural about artificially breeding large numbers of domestic predators that are then free to become recreational killers of animals that they don't need for sustenance. Then, there is the cat shit in flower beds, the cat tracks on people's cars, the cats that get run over, or eat poisonous plants, or catch diseases, or eat pesticides, or drink anti-freeze from under cars. Animal control will ticket you if you are caught all alone with nobody in sight throwing a ball to your dog in the enormous open area across the street, but animal control is just fine with cats having unrestricted freedom. I can only liken this to my childhood when dogs were likewise free to come and go completely as they pleased. This was a bad situation for dogs, and it's a bad situation for cats too.

Snowbrush said...

Nolly, the local humane society neuters or spays EVERY animal that it adopts out. Another thing that I feel strongly about is that it's very, very wrong to pay people to breed animals for pets when literally MILLIONS of animals are killed every year in this country alone because no one wants them. I've killed such animals myself, and because I lived in a small town in Mississippi with no other way to do it, I shot them in the head one at a time until I filled the back of a pickup. A few weeks later, I would go out and shoot another truckload. Even at that, the "shelter" became so crowded so fast that I went out one day and found that a dog in one of the cages had been cannibalized, not because the other dogs were hungry but because they were stressed.

nollyposh said...

Wow Snow i am surprised that you have a cat at all?! We have the same kind of rules here cats & dogs come in to shelters & are de-sexed & most people buy them from there... In fact i have myself on a list at the moment for a free cat cage from the local council for a stray that is hassling our neighborhood cats & when caught the Rangers will come & take it to a shelter & if it has no ID (ie) micro-chip that all domestic animals must have for registration & fees etc, then it to will go to a shelter... But if they are not bought within a certain time frame they are 'put down' & never released... i had a friend once that would catch stray city cats, where he lived, a few at a time, clean them up, de-sex them & find homes for them... There are some areas now (Where my mum lives for instance) where cats are only allowed outside if you have a purpose built cat run... That does seem a better option considering the hunting instincts they have... My cat stopped killing wild life when i sprayed him with a water bottle (!!!) and refused to feed him for days after he would bring his 'prize' home... He got the message pretty quick... i also have 2 brother in-law's with attitudes more like yours, they just shoot anything they consider a pest & one of them only keeps a few wild cats around his property to keep the mice & rats at bay (& then shoots them if they over breed)... (Ps) i must admit (touch wood) we have never had a mouse in our house... Although i did save a little field mouse once from the cats mouth... i am a sucker! x

Snowbrush said...

Nollyposh said: "Wow Snow i am surprised that you have a cat at all?!"

I'm not sure what this alludes, but allow me to say that I'm crazy about Brewsky. He's mellow and cuddly, but after decades of nothing but dogs, having a cat does require some getting used to.

What I understand about true feral cats is that they never do make good pets. I very much suspect that at least one of Brewsky's parents were feral. When the shelter got him and his sibling, he weighed two pounds, and had fleas, ear mites, and ringworm. The person who dropped him off said that she "found" him, so who knows but what his mother was killed.

...louciao... said...

I must admit that my attention span is usually too short to read blog postings that are mostly words rather than being depicted with action figures, but I'm so glad I perused this entry from start to finish. The blasts from the water gun and airhorn helped keep my attention as well!

Thanks for your visit to my place. Next time, do you think maybe you could bring the vet? My cat's okay but I'd like to take a look at the doctor as he exits my blog.

RNSANE said...

Well, it seems like you have your work cut out for you with the spray bottles, air horn, etc. You'll be so exhausted by bedtime, it won't matter what Brewsky is doing! I'm not surprised, though, if he isn't becoming a bit paranoid by now and afraid to ever close his eyes!!

The Tusk said...

I think from your site, I got a visit from Punky Chopsticks, Thank You Snow.

The Tusk