America’s new IQ test

Test directions:

This is a pass-or-fail multiple-choice test that can be completed during a single TV commercial unless you’re a slow reader in which case it might take two.

So that you can get a higher score, most of the answers are correct, but where only one answer is correct, it’s so screamingly obvious that you’ll know it right away if you’re not a godless atheist, a bleeding-heart Democrat, or a smart-alecky foreigner.

There are eleven questions. That way you can throw one of them out if America's Most Eligible Bachelor comes back on before you’ve completed the test.

If you’ve ever voted for a president named Bush, you’ve already passed.

If you need to see the answers to know how you did, it means you failed.

Where are you most Sunday mornings at 10:00 a.m.?

1) Trying to find the door so I can leave the party.
2) Reading the Communist Manifesto.
3) Attending services at Calvary Baptist Church.
4) Having sex with my neighbor’s wife while he attends services at Calvary Baptist Church.
5) Listening to a preacher on the radio while driving to the Monster Truck Rally.

Which country do you hate most?

1) All of the ones that have a lot of ragheads.
2) France because the men talk like queers.
3) England. See France.
4) Canada because they think they’re better than us even though they waste their money on education and health care instead of investing it in nukes.
5) Australia because they have all those neat critters that can kill you, and all we have are a few candy-assed rattlesnakes and a half-dozen grizzly bears.

Which size should a patriotic American order no matter what the product?

1) Small
2) Medium
3) Large
4) Larger
5) As big as it gets

How many material possessions are enough?

1) No amount
2) An environmentally responsible amount
3) Twice as much as my stupid brother-in-law
4) One of every kind of gun, a two-ton Dodge Ram 4x4 with women on the mud flaps, and a lifetime supply of Coca Cola and Jack Daniels
5) Hugh Hefner’s house and broads

Which candidate would Jesus vote for?

1) Faggoty-ass Commie
2) America-hating Democrat.
3) God-fearing patriotic Republican
4) Green Puke Party slimeball
5) That Nader S.O.B.

Which of the following countries would Jesus nuke?

1) Monaco
2) Africa
3) France
4) Canada
5) All of the above because they don’t love him like America loves him

Which of the following might fit into a Glock?

1) M80
2) 9cm
3) 12 gauge 00 buck
4) .45 ACP
5) F-150

Who died for your sins to pacify a seriously pissed-off deity?

1) Oprah Winfrey
2) That heathen Arabb guy what the sand-niggers worship.
3) Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior and the Only Begotten Son of God
4) Nobody
5) All of the above

What do you love most about nature?

1) Having a place to dump old refrigerators for free
2) Shooting Bambi
3) Hugging trees
4) Driving my ATV over endangered wildflowers
5) Having a place to party where the neighbors won’t call the cops and where I don’t have to pick up the empty cans, bottles, and Kentucky Fried Chicken boxes

Where will you be when Jesus comes again?

1) Rising to meet him in the air
2) Sleeping in
3) Smoking dope while pouring beer over my Fruit Loops
4) Looking at Internet porn
5) Worshipping that heathen Arabb guy

What good is an education?

1) It helps you to find the word Republican on the voters’ ballot.
2) It’s a lot harder to read your Bible if you don’t know how to read.
3) Having an education means that you can make out the story that goes with the pictures.
4) Being educated is bad because atheists and evolutionists wouldn’t be that way if they hadn’t gone to college.
5) If you can’t read the menu, how are you going to get a job at Mc Donald’s?


Robert the Skeptic said...

Seriously, I would love to see the results of this poll after Gallup or someone got a few thousand to answer the questions. Guessing what the results might be, I'm already abandoning all hope.

The Blog Fodder said...

I dunno if I passed or failed but it was fun.

tattytiara said...

I'm sure I passed with flying colors. We Canadians are also smug about our educational system.

Kerry said...

Your Glock only takes an F-150? Because mine takes an F-250, baby.

Snowbrush said...

Kerry, you're a true America firing those 8,800 pound Ford trucks out of your Glock. You could waste a lot of ragheads and liberals with one of those babies. Don't you have to hold the gun with two hands though to handle the kickback?

Tattytiara, there you go bragging about your schools when you don't have a single nuke.

Fodder, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Robert, I know what you mean about people actually passing it.

The Elephant's Child said...

A godless atheist, a liberal Democrat, or a smart-alecky foreigner, thats me.
Oops. Did you have to make it so obvious?

ellen abbott said...

I thought I was too tired after my day's exertions to even laugh. You proved me wrong.

Lorraina said...

Yayyy Snowbrush is feeling better! I was also feeling a little down but this brought me up. Too funny even if i didn't get some of it. We Canucks do have a sense of humour or at least the sense to know you had a good time writing a very clever post.

Kerry said...

I ain't ashamed: two hands. Damn straight.

rhymeswithplague said...

I have never been so glad not to be a Baptist in my life. As for you, you:

1) Really know how to hurt a guy.
2) Have the drill down pat.
3) Can easily fit into most any group while simultaneously and adroitly concealing your own point of view.
4) Are a graduate of the John Stewart School of Comedy, with a little Larry the Cable Guy thrown in.
5) Should go on the road, the sooner the better.

Skepticat said...

I was going to take the test but I'm a True Southerner. When I realized I couldn't shoot it, eat it, or screw it, I said, "Why bother?"

Snowbrush said...

Ellen said: "I thought I was too tired after my day's exertions to even laugh. You proved me wrong."

Oh, thank you, hon.

Elephant said: "A godless atheist, a liberal Democrat, or a smart-alecky foreigner, thats me."

It must make it awfully hard to get a well-paying preaching job with all that against you. Of course, the Unitarians would probably take you in a heartbeat.

Lorraina said: "Too funny even if i didn't get some of it."

Lorraina, I don't want to be obscure, so if you'll tell me what you didn't get, I'll cheerfully explain it to you. Really, I will.

Rhymes said: "5) Should go on the road, the sooner the better."

Except toward Georgia, eh? You would be ashamed to introduce me to your friends, right? I know, you could prepare them for my visit by telling them I've been hit in the head a lot.

Skepticat said: "When I realized I couldn't shoot it, eat it, or screw it, I said, "Why bother?'"

How could I have spent 36 years in Mississippi and never heard that? I LOVE it!

Kerry said: "I ain't ashamed: two hands. Damn straight."

Ever now and then, I hear an explosion from up Corvallis way, but I never knew it was you firing pick-up trucks out of your Glock. You really ought to put that on Youtube, you know.

kylie said...

if you tick all the boxes do you get more points?

CreekHiker / HollysFolly said...

That was just too funny!

River said...

Being Australian, I'm pretty sure I failed. Abysmally.

Gaston Studio said...

LOL, Snow! Thanks for a good laugh this early in the morn.

The Bipolar Diva said...

I think I'll take number four on the first question.

The Bipolar Diva said...

Oh, and my Glock takes a 40 SW

Looking to the Stars said...

LOL, I laughed so hard I almost fell out of my seat. Thanks :)

Snowbrush said...

Diva said: "Oh, and my Glock takes a 40 SW"

Hell, Diva, I figured you would shoot nothing less than a .44 magnum if not a F-150. Kerry fires F-250s, so I should think a F-150 would be practically like a BB to you.

Diva said: "I think I'll take number four on the first question"

No surprise there, babe!

Stars said: "LOL, I laughed so hard I almost fell out of my seat."

Thank you so much, Stars.

rhymeswithplague said...

At the risk of being pummelled verbally and pulverized by your response, my more serious side wants to tell you to read Galatians 6:7-10.

Kay Dennison said...

I needed a 'none of the above' option for all of the questions. Then again, that's no great
surprise and explains a lot. It was, however, a good laugh! Thanks!

Vagabonde said...

I did not take the test – I just read it – you know since I am from Paris and one of those know it all foreigner, I already knew all the answers…..why bother indeed.

Robin said...

Snow......I am laughing too!!!! You have one marvelous, wicked sense of humour!


♥ Robin ♥

Marion said...

Superb! What a great laugh, even this early in the morning!

I hope Peggy is feeling better. xo

Anonymous said...

I don't take tests. I owe answers to no one...

THAT was a pretty good reply, wasn't it? lol

Besides, I had a better laugh over the available answers than I could have over any of my own.

"Keep on chuggin' along under your own steam, in the direction of your choosing" is my new mantra.

TheRevolutionary said...

Very fun, would be better if you left the word "sand-niggers" out of it :P
Otherwise, great!

Bubba said...

Ha! I loved it. Very funny!

Snowbrush said...

Rhymes said: " my more serious side wants to tell you to read Galatians 6:7-10."

Wherein the one perfect being in the entire universe (albeit it in three parts) yet again resorts to Mafia-like threats in order to frighten people into showing him respect when what he deserves is contempt--or did I miss something, Rhymes?

Thanks, Kay.

Thanks, Vagabonde.

Thanks Robin.

Thanks, Marion, and, yes, Peggy seems to be progressing very well.

Dana said: "I don't take tests."

I didn't take it either. You won't believe this in a million years, but I just made the whole thing up in an attempt to be funny.

The Revolutionary said: "would be better if you left the word "sand-niggers" out of it"

But why? Surely, a person who goes by the moniker "Revolutionary" has more in mind here than a kowtow to political correctness.

Thankee, Bubba, sir.

All Consuming said...

Hahahahaha, brilliant. *shakes off the layers of dust and hugs. x

Selina Kingston said...

I'm just trying to catch up on my blogs and this did make me laugh. You are funny...although what the hell is wrong with they way the English speak ????

rhymeswithplague said...

A person who said certain unmentionable words in this particular part of the land of the free and home of the brave would most likely not be able to kowtow or do much of anything else when certain other persons got through with him or her.

It seems we have freedom of thought but not so much freedom of speech nowadays. Even Mark Twain's Huckleberry Finn is being (or has been) published in a new edition that eliminates the word in question.

Snowbrush said...

Selina said: "You are funny...although what the hell is wrong with they way the English speak ????"

Nothing if you're not xenophobic.

Rhymes said: " Even Mark Twain's Huckleberry Finn is being (or has been) published in a new edition that eliminates the word in question."

By a white man from Alabama, no less. Bull Conners must be turning over in his grave.

Stafford Ray said...

Yo, Snow! The sad bit behind the hilarious is that so many would tick the questions you made up for our entertaiment and ask what we were laughing at!

Snowbrush said...

Yo, Stafford, damn right. You're an Aussie, so U.S. place names might not mean much to you, but I spent much of my adult life in the most conservative part of the U.S., which is the state of Mississippi. When I saw the movie "Easy Rider," which was partially set in my part of the country using real people who lived in my part of the country, I knew I had to get out. I've since lived in California and Minnesota, but mostly in Oregon.

Just_because_today said... are just...great. No comment. Just great.

Joe Todd said...

LOL thus morning. Though a really "GOOD" republican would be on the Golf Course on Sunday morning

Natalie said...

Great observations. How do you get away with speaking your truth? I never seem to make a dent.

Wine in Thyme said...