Why she turned out like she did, I just don't know

My pet name for Peggy is Fluffy after a squirrel that was in a Little Golden Book that my aunt got me when I was four. I personally hated the book and loathed the squirrel (I wanted to cut its tail off and hang it from a car antenna), and I even told Peggy this, but she said I had damned well better call her Fluffy (she says it reminds her of how cute she is), so naturally I call her Fluffy in order to make her shut-up already. If she’s looking the other way when I say it, I sneer at the back of her head in order to prove that I’m not some little woozy-man who’s going to let a woman push him around. I have to be careful that she’s not looking at me in a mirror when I sneer because she often stares at me through mirrors as if she thinks I’m too stupid to notice. It’s like she can never let me out of her sight. I don’t think she trusts me, probably because she has a guilty conscience. You’re no doubt wondering how she got this way. I'll tell you what I know, but it's not much.

After Peggy and I got married in 1971, everything went great for about two weeks. After those two weeks, I noticed that Peggy would still do what I told her to do, but that she wasn’t doing it with any enthusiasm. At first, I figured she was just sick, but I didn’t say anything to her about her sickness because it weakens a woman to give her sympathy—or appreciation, for that matter. It also encourages her to pretend she’s sick when she’s not sick in order to get out of work and to force you to treat her nice. Women are devious that way, so it’s best to play it safe and only talk to them when they screw-up.

After another two weeks, Peggy’s behavior was no better, but it was a lot worse. She had deteriorated to the point that she wasn’t just slow about getting things done, she wasn’t even doing them. It was like I had married a really sweet and sensuous dog (an Afghan maybe), but then a mongrel cat from Planet Bad-Ass had crawled into the dog’s brain through its nostrils. It got to where I would tell Peggy to fetch me another beer, and she would look at me like, “Yeah, right, when hell freezes over.”

I finally spoke to her about how I was the husband, and she was the wife, and the wife is supposed to do what the husband tells her to do because it says so in the Bible. When I said this, she got really mad, so I never brought it up again, and I finally gave up trying to make her do anything—her or the cat for that matter because I knew they weren’t going to do it anyway. Now that the dog is deaf, blind, arthritic, and hard to wake-up, I don’t even get the satisfaction of telling her what to do, although, god knows, she would obey me if she could. I feel like a captain whose ship sailed right out from under him in shark-infested waters.

When Peggy and the cat sleep until noon (which is pretty much every day), she makes me bring them breakfast in bed along with a small vase of yellow roses and a large vase of fresh catnip. I hate doing it, but I hate it worse when she yells at me. We’ve been married for forty years, and I don’t know how much longer I should give her to get her act together.


The Elephant's Child said...

When you work out the secret let me know. The smaller portion and I have been together for over thirty years now and when I tell him to do something, he smiles sweetly at me and does want he wants.

PS Snow, don't worry me like this. When I saw your post title I worried that Peggy was sick.

middle child said...

Be patient. These things take time. Peace

Myrna R. said...

I don't think you should give her more than another 40 years or so. She may see the light by then. My husband will be waiting for me to change too. Let me know how that works out for you guys. Wink.

(Loved this.)

Charles Gramlich said...

I discussed something similar with Lana recently. It went over about the same.

ellen abbott said...

Dude, now you know why some girls don't like religion. The fastest way to get me to dig in my heels is to boss me around. Nobody bosses me around. I like Peggy already.

The Blog Fodder said...

Hilarious. Agree, another 40 years should about do it. You have two chances - fat and slim. Maybe three including none.

Snowbrush said...

"When I saw your post title I worried that Peggy was sick."

I'm sorry--and touched--that you were worried, so I changed it. I appreciate you telling me.

"My husband will be waiting for me to change too."

And the hell of it is that men die younger, which means that just about the time she'll be ready to change, I'll be ready to croak.

"I discussed something similar with Lana recently. It went over about the same."

Oh, Charles, that's funny. You see, you share your problems on the Net, thinking you're all alone, and then other people tell you that they're in the same boat.

"Nobody bosses me around. I like Peggy already."

I guess that if a man had two wives, and you and Peggy were them, he would be twice as bad off as I already am. It's a sobering thought.

"You have two chances - fat and slim. Maybe three including none."

And just when I was starting to feel hopeless, my old Canadian buddy who's freezing his butt off in the Ukraine comes by to cheer me up!

Rita said...

OMG! I was chuckling all through this post! You almost make me want to get married again just so I can sleep till noon and get breakfast in bed this time. I obviously need to raise the bar. ;)

River said...

not sure how to take this. At the beginning it seemed like you wanted a slave, not a wife, by the end you were the slave. A little give and take on both sides needs to happen. But don't ask me how, I've been married and divorced twice.

Mim said...

Have you figured out yet that it's all a plot that we women are in together? Hahahah...men are so dopey.

Sissy said...

Hilarious! You funny guy! I laughed till I cried. Do it again!

Marion said...

ROTFLMAO! I love Peggy. She's my kinda woman. In our family, the women rule. If a man tells any of us to do something, we feel it's our sworn duty and honor to do the exact opposite. It gives them pause before they open their mouth to boss us around, fo' sho'.

Happy Mardi Gras to you & Peggy!! xo

Strayer said...

Hahaha. Very funny, Snow.

Snowbrush said...

"You almost make me want to get married again just so I can sleep till noon and get breakfast in bed this time."

You should! As Peggy says, women deserve to receive such pampering, and men are morally obligated to give it to them.

"not sure how to take this."

Well, shucks. I intended it as humor, but you wouldn't be the first person in my life who didn't consider me the least bit funny even when I'm trying to be.

"Hahahah...men are so dopey."

Boobooboo. No fair! You're just saying that cause I'm drugged out of my gourd for 23 1/2 hours a day.

"If a man tells any of us to do something, we feel it's our sworn duty and honor to do the exact opposite."

Oh, right, and the men are too stupid to use this against you women, I guess. You must have to tell those fellows to come in out of the rain, or do all the women just stand in the window and laugh at them as they drown while gazing into the sky with their mouths open?

kj said...

that first paragraph in its entirety is classic! you set me up just right, mr. snow.

so many proverbs come to mind, reflective of your education these last forty years. want not, waste not, expect nothing and you'll never be disappointed, a stitch in time saves nine, and my personal favorite:

before enlightenment, chop the wood, carry the water
after enlightenment, chop the wood, carry the water.

what? these aren't proverbs?


i love it when you write like this.
hee hee hee hee hee hee hee


Anonymous said...

Sounds like an ordinary marriage to me... the idea of the slave wife is certainly squashed in the first five minutes. Husband is waiting, still, for the 47 slaves to come to his assistance. He rues the day that Wilberforce moved into Clapham and converted his relatives.

I am new to your blog.

nick said...

Hilarious! I have the same sort of skirmishes with Jenny, but if I ever wrote about them she wouldn't speak to me for a month. Or a year. Or a decade.

And no, I don't appreciate silence, it gets boring after a while.

rhymeswithplague said...

Funniest thing I've read in quite a while!

Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, should learn this, memorize it, tack it to the wall if necessary:

A woman gets married thinking the man will change, but he doesn't. A man gets married thinking the woman will never change, but she does.

Beau's Mom said...

Snow, you live in a 'need to know' job. When Peggy decides to change, she'll let you know. In the meantime, try some tenderness and understanding. It pisses us off every time.

Phoenix said...

I was laughing so hard through this entire post!! Snow, you have such a great sense of humor. I'm just sad your training of Peggy (or the cat, for that matter) just didn't work out. Better luck with the next wife, eh?

I got married very young (after being raised in a fairly conservative Christian household) and put 100% of my energy into making my husband happy every single day. Then he divorced me and ended up remarrying a woman who has got him by the balls. I don't think he sneezes without her permission. I just laugh, shake my head, and think, "That's what I did wrong!"

Have a wonderful week, Snow. Your posts make me smile.

middle child said...

Snow, you were exactly right about the cat scan. That is how whe described it to me. Thanks so much for your frequent and helpful comments. Bless you.

A Plain Observer said...

I can see that you are very brilliant man, it only took you 4 weeks to realize Peggy had the reins and you were going for the ride.

CreekHiker / HollysFolly said...

Too funny Snow!

Robin said...

Sounds like Peggy (*Fluffy*) and Brewsky have things worked out just PURRFECTLY!

As Mim says.....it IS a plot and we women are all in it!!! A-ha-ha!

Snow...this is another wonderfully written post!


♥ Robin ♥

Joe Todd said...

I can remember when my wife used to say "Wow ok" to everything I said. Was the shortest 10 minutes of my life. LOL

Marion said...

Oh, my gosh, this was funny!! I've printed it out and given it to Graham, haha! Peggy is my kind of woman...we'd have great fun together!

Have a superb week, dear Snow...xx

Putz said...

my past antics are mine alone and not my wif's as recorded on my blog, i have always tried to keep my wife out of the picture, and because she is so against my sharing any personnal stories about either one of us, i have generally kept my word, and of course it has been my putziness that gets the notice

julie said...

Naughty, naughty...ha ha ha...xo

All Consuming said...

Hahahahaha, got me rolling abut here, I bet she speaks well of you too heheheh, I'd like to steal this and post it on my blog, do you mind? x