A second experiment with posting in the moment

Given how much I bitch and whine, Peggy might not realize that I try to spare her from the worst of what I feel, but I can’t do it today. I had a horrendous night last night that followed a day spent trying to recover from another bad night. Dilaudid didn’t help, so I lay awake for hours and I am just about through the roof right now. I smoked some pot an hour ago hoping it would help, but unlike yesterday, I’m experiencing something similar to a bad acid trip. I feel like I’m caught in a nightmare, and I don’t have the strength to find peace in the storm. I work everyday to stay calm and hopeful, but when I’m really hurting, really exhausted, and really without any means to control the pain without knocking myself out, I just can’t find it in me. I’m unfit for anything but to shake and cry, yet, there’s something here for me. I know it, but I can't find it even after years of looking.... I've heard enough Mary Wells and going to listen to some Goulet. Before marijuana, I didn't care about music. Now, it's one of my main comforts, it and plants.


kylie said...

big hugs to you my dear snow!

and remember shaking and crying are allowed


Strayer said...

Don't know what to say, Snow. I don't. I hope you make it through and find a reason to keep on going. I couldn't keep on going without pretending in my brain that I can solve the feline overpopulation problem in the greater mid valley area-delusional of course but it keeps me going through lots of physical and mental pain. How about finding some meaningful (to you) mission, to embark upon completing or solving? If that could keep your mind of the pain, that would be awesome. I don't know what to say, otherwise.

Strayer said...

On the movie Inception, each "dreamer" keeps a token of some sort, around their neck or in their pocket, that they can finger, to know they're in a dream or not, if they don't have it. I have one now I carry, to remind me why I live.

angela said...

My heart goes out to you. Living with cronic pain is soul destroying. I hope it calms down for you soon.

Snowbrush said...

"remember shaking and crying are allowed"

If they're not, they should be! Thanks, kiddo. I've neglected you so much lately, and it makes me all the more appreciative that you still come around.

"I hope you make it through and find a reason to keep on going."

I'm not suicidal.

"How about finding some meaningful (to you) mission, to embark upon completing or solving?"

I have many things I want to do. Usually, I can keep plugging away at them, but sometimes I can't. Pain-wise, this is one of the worst days I remember having--ever. Before today, I've never once cried because I was in pain or because I was scared or frustrated (I often cry when I'm touched or empathetic), so this is new and extremely upsetting. I suppose I just got hit by the perfect storm without even seeing it coming. Today is a beautiful day--as you would know, being so close--and I had looked forward to working or least shopping for building materials to work with, and here I am falling apart and mad at myself for not being stronger. I know the anger is unrealistic, but there it is.

The Elephant's Child said...

Oh Snow. I find it so frustrating and sometimes frightening when my body refuses to do as I ask (order). Add pain into the mix and I am a wipe out.
As Kylie says - tears are fine. For whatever reason they happen.
Hoping that today improves and that tomorrow is much, much better. More hugs.

The Elephant's Child said...

Much, much better.

Snowbrush said...

"On the movie Inception, each "dreamer" keeps a token of some sort, around their neck or in their pocket, that they can finger, to know they're in a dream or not"

I was dreaming one night, pinched myself to see if I was dreaming, and determined by the pinch test that I was awake. It was then that I woke up. I've held onto rocks for comfort, but found them of marginal use. Like a lot of things, they help if you think they help and they don't help if you don't think they help.

"I have one now I carry, to remind me why I live."

May you never lose it, my love. You are a strong, resourceful, and brave woman.

Angela, thank you. Yes, it will calm down soon. It always has, so I've come to rely on that.

Child, I hold to thoughts of you as to an anchor. Your survival helps me to survive, and the generosity with which you bestow your love inspires me to love.

lotta joy said...

I've been called a "trooper" and a "tough old bird" since I was in my twenties.

I'm still being called that and I have always hated it. It implies I have a choice and choose to keep going.

The thing that is bothering me lately is the fact that I eventually get used to a particular pain and go on. It's when totally new pains invade that I find myself moaning aloud. I don't like being conquered by a new pain when I'm still battling the old ones.

Chest pains crumpled me a few days ago. (new to ME) I took an aspirin and lit a cigarette. My attitude was "show me what ya got. Either get worse and finish me or go away."

I hate feeling bitter. I'm not used to it.

Strayer said...

Thank you Snow, even on a terrible day for you, you are kind to me. I appreciate it. Wish I could give you a back rub from here or just a hug. Or something. Must take stubborn courage to keep going, as you do.

kj said...

it is just so unfair that you have to endure pain. to your credit you keep trying and your desire to live your days may teetter but it is strong. i won't get into a lot here, snow, but i do wish you weren't using these meds on your own. i wish you had a specialist in pain mgt who you really could trust and who you could check in with every month or so.

that said, all your friends here understand and care.

middle child said...

I can't imagine chronic pain. I do know that when I shake, I take a Xanax and that usually calms me inside. And crying? I have come to accept it. I had to walk out of church today because I began crying. It is PEOPLE who hurt me. And so I have it easy. I can just go be by myself. I wish there were something I could do for you. You are such a great guy. Wishing you peace.

Snowbrush said...

"Must take stubborn courage to keep going, as you do."

I suppose I do this better than some people, but I wouldn't be surprised but what I do it worse than most. Everyone's life becomes hard to endure at some point, that is unless a person has an idyllic life right until the moment he dies instantly. You've certainly been through a lot, not just in terms of illness but also betrayal by the very people who were supposed to be helping you.

"it is just so unfair that you have to endure pain."

I try not to get into that because it just makes me bitter, and bitterness is an ugly thing to endure whether from the inside or the outside. Besides, I KNOW that things could be ever so much worse for me. I get down really bad sometimes, but it wouldn't be hard at all to find people who have a lot worse problems than I do.

"i do wish you weren't using these meds on your own. i wish you had a specialist in pain mgt who you really could trust and who you could check in with every month or so."

I am thrilled to have only seen one doctor this year, and that was for my yearly physical that insurance pays 100% for. I've been to two pain specialists and found them terribly limited. No one even knows for sure if my problems are completely orthopedic or partially orthopedic and partially neurological, so that naturally makes it harder to treat me. I've seen many doctors, gotten various tentative diagnoses that didn't pan out, and have been through many tests and five pain-related surgeries. A person just sort of gives up after years of such things. Maybe there's some doctor--or some alternative type therapy--somewhere that could do me a lot of good, but how the heck do I find him or her when I don't even know what kind of doctor I need? I do know this about doctors. Just as a carpenter tends to see problems as requiring a hammer, so do doctors tend to see problems as related to their own specialities.

"I've been called a "trooper" and a "tough old bird" since I was in my twenties. I'm still being called that and I have always hated it."

Beats being called a chicken-shit. Hardly anyone ever calls me a trooper or a synonym thereof, but then maybe I don't present myself as one. I just know that my main support comes from Peggy and my blog friends. My blog is the one place that I can be honest in detail without overwhelming people, plus a great many of my readers have significant health-related problems of their own, and this tends to increase empathy and to discourage pat advice. People who haven't been sick or injured much tend to underestimate the complexity of health issues.

Snowbrush said...

I have to rewrite my last comment because I put a word in the wrong place, and it screws up the meaning that I was trying to convey.

"I had to walk out of church today because I began crying. It is PEOPLE who hurt me."

Oops, I missed a comment--it often happens when there are several. You must be excruciatingly sensitive. I relate to that to an extent, although I have come to expect so little from other people (not because they're bad but because, like me, they're limited) that I don't experience the deep hurt that I did for much of my life. It's a real blessing to finally be able--for the most part--to allow other people to be who they are even when I would prefer that they be different. I would not for a moment presume to say that emotional pain is easier to bear than physical pain. In fact, it is only when I become emotional over being in physical pain that everything goes to hell for me.

kj said...

snow, it might be a drug specialist that would be most helpful. someone who really understands the necessity of having to rely on narcotics etc but who can help you avoid present and future potential complications.

i don't mind someone telling you what you should do. i mean someone who knows how drugs mix with each other and can help you drive your own bus safely


C Woods said...

I can't imagine your level of pain, but add sleeplessness on top of that, I understand how must seem like a nightmare.

The Tusk said...

I can only offer advice to a snowbrush that wants advice, I don't suffer from pain, I don't prescribe to any medications. So here goes, I do believe in God and I do believe in the spirit in which there is an after life, in which some proclaim to understand very little.

In conversations I have had with you I remember a great deal. I remember the post pre marijuana of your explanation of a dream you had about driving a bus and how you felt you may be responsible for misleading a group that was on your bus. It was only a direction I'm sure. I remember you commenting on a blog post I made about indoor and outdoor plants and you said not so much indoor plants you keep or display. Maybe I am wrong about my remembrances, but here goes anyway.

To the man who heeds never my advice.

Start by bringing home cut flowers to peggy for a vase, display inj house. Grow some indoor plants in a window.

Dig a hole outdoors slowly at first, roughly, three feet deep, below the frost line, by 8 foot by 16 foot, Drape with sand and a vynyl liner, fill with water fresh, occupy with gold fish, they will repopulate in good time. The vibrations from the fish their bearing and direction will indicate to you weather changes internally and externally with you, in time your feelings will become their feelings, learn to meditate with a humming internal sound. The Ohm is not always the cure for your ills, you must find your own vibration or hum, this can be done when you are not meditating. Just before falling asleep a snoring type hum but not a snore can be learned. A soft hum, gentle hum, not a loud hum. This is the reason you are finding music healing, because it is resonating as a cure to your woes. Most of us that have no pain, find the blues a woeful resonance that cures the soul, because it is a short lived depression that we lift ourselves out of.

Snow, I wish you only the best, besides I enjoy the challenging blogs and the humorous blogs you write, these painful ones are tedious.

your bloggy friend The Tusk.

rhymeswithplague said...

I can't understand why someone who is already in pain would choose, voluntarily, to listen over and over to Robert Goulet singing...and now you've made us do it, too.

What are you, a sadist?

Did you hear about the sadist who went out on a date with a masochist and the masochist said, "Hurt me! Hurt me!"...and the sadist said, "No."

Kay Dennison said...

I don't know what to say except that these days I can empathize with you!!

PhilipH said...

Oh Snowy, so sorry you're having such a rough time of it.
Can only wish you all the very best for a return to relatively bearable pain, if you get my meaning. Can't say pain-free as I guess that's impossible for you.

Marion said...

Well, you're not alone, Snow, if that's any comfort. I think of you often on my own sleepless, pain-filled nights. Most days I handle up, but some days it comes crushing down on me, like today.

I love plants, too, and they often help me to forget myself while I'm tending them. I hope you get some relief soon, my friend. Hugs & love to you. xo

Winifred said...

Bless you Snow. Hard to find the words to help but if it's Robert Goulet, just go for it! I didn't know he died.

Me I like a bit of classical stuff like Elgar, Tchaikovsky, Chopin, Rodriguez and I also like pop. Can't beat Abba for the feel good factor. I remember donkeys years ago we used to play CDs of Abba at work & it was amazing how it lifted our moods.

Take care Snow.

SQT said...

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. But I think you should know that your "bitch(ing) and whin(ing)" is actually a comfort to me. I can't compare my pain to yours- yet. But I know it isn't that far away. I tore up my knee last week and it kills me to be reminded that I've got many surgeries in my near future. Reading about how you cope (the good and the bad) helps me feel a little better when I feel weak and sorry for myself.

Robin said...

Hello Dear Snow.... I'm back from NY and see that I have missed so much.... I am sorry we don't live closer geographically so I could just drive over and say hello to you and Peggy...

I was going to say that I have don't have a lot of knowledge regarding pain - chronic or not....then I remembered that when I tore my knee ligament lasr December, I WAS in constant pain for over a month...it was demoralising and depressing...it's better now....but I think I will live with the injury for a long time - so I keep excerising as much as I can....walking, stretching etc. I love some of *The Tusks's* ideas... picking some Wildflowers for Peggy....the actual idea of your being outside - among Nature - (which I KNOW you love), selecting which flowers to pick, then coming home and placing them in a vase, a glass - whatever - and waiting to see Peggy's face when she sees them...it may not ease your pain - but then again, it may help a little.

*Tusk's* other idea of the Goldfish Pond, while lovely, would bring the greatest joy to Brewsky...who would be planning on *visiting the Fish Deli* as often as he could!

Music has always been a release for me....it's my *drug of choice*...not just Opera...but all genres....and as the true *Romantic* that I am....I adore Robert Goulet - and particularly that song (*If Ever I Would Leave You*)...I ALWAYS cry when I hear it. Sometimes cyring is cathartic enough to help pain...

You have EVERY right to feel sorry for yourself - even if there are people worse off....still, you have SO MUCH to live for.....Peggy, Blue, the *Brew-Monster*....and yes, US..your blogging family. We love you....we care about you....you enrich our lives.

Whew....an essay from me.... but it's the best I can do in liew of giving you a big hug.


♥ Robin ♥

All Consuming said...

Oh hon, I feel for you, shake, cry, I do, its better than holding it in, not that there's much choice I know. Hold onto the thought that there are good parts to being alive, Peggy, your lovely animals, your doting followers on here who, much as we find it hard to hear about your pain, want to be a part of your life and if possible help, as much as we can without seeing you anyway. I hope that doesn't read as trite. It's sent with much love, and as for music, other than reading it's almost another form of painkiller for me. Big hugs sweetie xxx