Fools make a mockery of sin, so be sure and invite a few to your next party


I just joined a new atheist group because my old one was too much talk and too little partying. In the new group, people like to get drunk and play Strangulation (thats what we're doing in the picture). If you win, you get to strangle real puppies and kittens while everyone else laughs so much that they cry and roll around on the floor. Because atheists don’t have God telling us what to do, were not uptight all the time, so we can do that kind of stuff and have fun with it. That’s what I love most about being an atheist—that and getting to spend Sunday mornings sleeping off hangovers. 

Here’s what inspired me to write this post. The other day, Peggy wanted to take off from work to go to a picnic. She’s been to this same picnic every year for something like 20 years, but she forgot to put in for time off, and she couldn’t get any of the other nurses to swap with her, so she was all bummed about it. The other nurses and I said, “Well, duh, just call in sick, doofus.” Of course, Little Miss Goody-Goody wouldn’t do that. “My middle name is Integrity,” she purred with a self-congratulatory smile. Just so you’ll know, she really said this, but she probably just said it to me because she wouldn’t have wanted to risk making the other nurses mad by saying it to them, whereas she wouldnt give a rip if she made me mad. As it turned out, she didn’t make me mad, but she did make me laugh my ass off. Ever since then, she’s had to listen to me call her Ms Integrity in a snide voice a hundred times a day while pointing and snickering, and that’s starting to make her mad—not that I give a rip.

To tell you the truth, I’ve never seen it as a case of her being Ms Goody Two-Shoes and me being Mr. Slug Shit from Hell, although she looks at it that way. When she gets on my case, I say, “Peg, coming home drunk at 4:00 a.m. with a drunk woman on either arm and a trunkful of stolen drugs and money isn’t immoral, it’s alternatively moral—for an atheist, anyway. Hell, what do we care? If you’re just dead when you die, go for the gusto. Rape, kill, and mutilate if that’s what it takes to get your rocks off. Know what I mean? 

No, Peggy doesn’t know what I mean, yet she doesn’t believe in the supernatural anymore than I do. What’s up with that? Why couldn’t I have married a drunken party-girl/puppy strangler like all my infidel buddies? Why did I have to get stuck with Ms “Integrity is my middle name”? That right there is proof that there’s no justice in the universe and therefore no god in the universe either.

If this weren’t a clean blog, I would say a dirty word about now, but then people might start praying for me again, and I would just hate that. It’s bad enough having Bible verses thrown at me, but at least I can throw them back (they might not get resurrected after three days, but they do start smelling like fish), but I can’t throw a prayer back. Besides, prayers make my head spin in circles while I spew garbage cans full of green vomit onto the walls, and when that happens, I always wake up the next day with a sore neck and a lot of housework. Bible verses dont do that. They do make me break out in pentagram shaped hives that itch like the devil, but Benadryl clears those hives right up. If not for Benadryl, I would have to get an exorcism, and it would scare me to do that because the preacher might decide to burn me at the stake instead.

Anyway, I just wanted to go ahead and admit that you Christians are right about us atheists not caring what we do to other people as long as it feels good to us. Like right now, I would trade the lives of 27.5 million people for a bowl of ice cream. To you, that might make me seem like a bad person, but I don’t see it that way because I would really enjoy that ice cream. Now, if I were willing to simply give away the lives of all those people without getting any ice cream, that would be bad because it would mean that they died for nothing. So you see, my morality is every bit as good as your morality but in a slightly different way.

17 comments:

All Consuming said...

"Mr. Slug Shit from Hell" - it's funny how all my male friends share the same name. Are you all related? Hahahahaha. Like the post, it's sharp, like a squirt of lemon in the eye. x

The Elephant's Child said...

All Consuming nailed it. Though I think this post is more like caustic acid to the eye - just a question of degree really.

The Elephant's Child said...

PS: I am glad that you clean up after an evening of projectile vomiting. It would be immoral to leave it to Ms Integrity.

lotta joy said...

As you know by now, my husband is Mr. "Moral" when he's not being Mr. "I wouldn't feel right doing that".

Couple that with his wife, Mrs. "I Have My Standards", and you have the usual christian/athiest marriage.

I go to church with him even though Mr. "Compassion" knows I react to stained glass windows and prayers like Dracula reacts to the sunrise, but Mrs. "Just Because He Wants Me To" kicks in on Sunday.

Mrs. "I Love To Sing And Play The Guitar" can belt out those old gospel songs.

Mrs. "Let's Get Drunk And Screw" can also get down with a David Allen Coe song.

I think athiests (at least my kind) have great moral compasses and rules to live by. They don't come from a leatherette bible.

Snowbrush said...

"I go to church with him even though Mr. "Compassion" knows I react to stained glass windows and prayers like Dracula reacts to the sunrise"

That's love. It impressed me enormously when you first said you did that. Do you find that you grind your teeth during the sermon?

"Mr. Slug Shit from Hell" - it's funny how all my male friends share the same name. Are you all related?"

Yes, but since slugs don't have names, none of us know just how we're related.

"Though I think this post is more like caustic acid to the eye - just a question of degree really."

Once again, you inspired a post because that analogy is way more intense than what I had hoped would result.

CreekHiker / HollysFolly said...

Always fascinating Snow. I do hope Peggy calls in sick!

The Blog Fodder said...

Got all caught up on your posts. Inspiring and thought provoking. Good comments and replies, the latter is something I appreciate; makes it more of a conversation.

The notion that "Christians" are the only moral beings would seem to exclude all believers in alternate religions? I should look it up but am too lazy tonight, but CS Lewis in "Mere Christianity" said something to the effect that the fact ALL people have a sense of morality and justice was proof God exists. I am neither here nor there on the proof part but the fact that he recognized moral commonalities in all people should put paid to the notion that one must be "Christian".

Snowbrush said...

"The notion that "Christians" are the only moral beings would seem to exclude all believers in alternate religions?"

Yeah, just look at how those heathens behave, cheating, bombing, lying, stealing. You know what's funny? The American Bible Belt has a higher crime rate than the secular Northeast and Northwest. It also has more divorces.

My own childhood church never doubted that non-Christians could be moral, just that it didn't count. Like I wrote earlier today, it's a formulaic religion. Commit horrible sins every waking moment of your life, repent on your deathbed, and go to heaven. Do everything you can to be loving and compassionate your whole life long, and without Jesus, you'll go to hell. So, what of the person who would have turned to Jesus had he lived a moment longer? He'll burn in hell. It's not whether you're a good person but whether you get the formula right.

lotta joy said...

Snow, in answer to your question, I feel many things while in a church service. Surprisingly, I feel a deep sense of sadness for the congregants. "Forgive them for they know not what they do" springs to mind.

I find it hard to watch the 'death march of hope' to the altar, people praying for relief that will never come.

I see centuries of brain washing, rituals and traditions, each person believing "by doing this" I will "get that" in return.

As for myself, I dig my nails into my hand and cringe through the ceremony. The sermons truly expose (to me) the blatant hypocrisies and superstitions taught through the centuries and perpetuated to this day.

So, to put it bluntly, I experience misery for me and intense sadness for them.


Snowbrush said...

"I experience misery for me and intense sadness for them."

Wow, intense is the word, okay. I'm well aware of your anger toward religion, but I don't recall you ever talking about your sadness. Surely, it is there for a lot of us. So much is promised by religion (love, understanding, compassion, forgiveness, and non-violence, for example), yet its reality is often the opposite, especially in regard to those groups of whom religious people disapprove. This is why I am so delighted to find, through this blog, Christians who are at least willing to listen to my viewpoint.

Snowbrush said...

P.S. I understand that you were also speaking of the delusions they hold, and this makes me wonder if, when you're surrounded by them without the freedom to tell them who are, you don't also feel terribly lonely and alienated.

lotta joy said...

My sadness is based totally on their die hard belief in an illusion.

My sadness is based on their faith that they must fight every day to prove to themselves is correct.

My sadness is based on a promise they hold as holy, of meeting loved ones after they die and being given everything they needed while alive.

Personally, I know I'm in THEIR zone and I respect that. I merely trudge through it until the doors open and I can go home.

What I also find sad is that I am ONLY accepted as a fellow christian because I smile, am friendly, and behave no differently than those around me.

I'm sure they would expect an athiest to stick out like a sore thumb due to sinister actions, odd behavior and satanic tattoos.

Snowbrush said...

"I'm sure they would expect an athiest to stick out like a sore thumb due to sinister actions, odd behavior and satanic tattoos."

No doubt! Remember when Jews were thought to have horns? We're the new Jews. Say, you've seen Borat, haven't you? Part of it was in a Jewish B&B. Gosh, but I loved that movie. Something else that I loved was a DVD of Sarah Siverman doing stand-up comedy, although I must admit that her version of "Amazing Grace" was over the top even for me.

Charles Gramlich said...

It appears that justification for what people want to do isn't hard to come by for anyone.

Deb said...

Your wife has a conscience. (As I know you do too because you're not a puppy strangler as you claim to be lol...) But seriously -- the great thing (and yes I said great thing) about atheists as I've said before is, when they do something good, or out of "integrity" -- it's not to please some 'god' -- it's because they genuinely care and have a sincere heart for other people. Many Christians (not all) do it ALL for God. They think sitting in a pew every Sunday morning will get them a fast ticket into heaven.

So kudos to you & your wife, and hopefully you'll be nice enough to share some ice cream with me. PMS is a bitch.

:)

Snowbrush said...

"Your wife has a conscience."

It is possible to have a conscience yet rarely if ever ponder ethical dilemmas, and that describes Peggy. What is right and what is wrong seem apparent to her without reflection. Indeed, she has no interest in, and no patience for, reflection. This doesn't work well with complex issues and shades of gray. It also leaves me, as one who wonders about her actions, in the dark as to what really motivates them (she herself doesn't know). She views her behavior as the gold standard of ethics compared to which mine (and everyone else's) is often lacking, whereas I see her as shallow and also arrogant in her unwillingness to allow that I can in good faith disagree with her.

Tom Sightings said...

I wouldn't describe myself as an atheist; but I'm in favor of any group that involves less talking and more partying!