Mass murder jokes, anyone?

I had never written a joke in my life, but when I couldn’t sleep last night, I wrote these. I’m not saying they’re good; I’m just saying I wrote them.

A blonde who wanted to be a mass murderer shot over a hundred people with paintballs before somebody pointed out that she had the wrong kind of gun. She then shot herself in the head, but all it did was to turn her hair green.

Another mass murderer wannabe stormed into a Catholic church wearing a George W. Bush mask, and proceeded to shoot-up the communion wafers. The judge sentenced him to 30 days for the shooting and 30 years for the mask.

A mass murdering man and his mass murdering dog walked into a bar. The man told the bartender that the dog could talk, and the bartender said drinks would be on-the-house if it were true. The man said, “Speak, dog,” and the dog said “Woof,” but the bartender wouldn’t give them the drinks because he said it was dog talk rather than people talk. The dog and the man killed everyone in the bar, and then they had their drinks-on-the-house.

A traveling salesman mass murderer named Massey had car trouble one night and knocked on the door of a farmer who had a beautiful daughter named Lassie. Lassie and Massey fell in love, but when people laughed at them because their names rhymed, Massey killed them all, and then he and Lassie lived happily ever after, but they never actually got married, so some people say they lived in sin.

Knock. Knock.
Who’s there?
A black quadriplegic Quaker woman mass murderer.
There are no black quadriplegic Quaker women mass murderers.
Bang! Bang-bang-bang! Bang-bang-bang-bang-bang!

When you cross a mass murderer and a serial killer, what do you get? A serial mass murderer, of course.

This morning, I asked Peggy what she thought of my jokes. “Not much,” she said. “Should I put them on my blog?” “NO!” she answered. Then I got to wondering how people would react if I did, and I decided to find out.

During the first few days after the murders, I was really upset, and I’m still really upset, but now that the American press has done what it does best, which is to substitute tears for news in order to boost ratings; and now that politicians have done what they do best, which is to translate suffering into political currency, I am less in touch with grief than I am with anger and cynicism, if not frothing hatred. The major news before last Friday was all about continuing unrest in the Middle East and America’s upcoming fiscal cliff. This week, the major news consists of tearful interviews of people who knew—or knew someone who knew—last weeks murder victims, along with the expert opinions of media shrinks who had the shooter and his family psychoanalyzed before the victims’ blood had coagulated. 

As to the politcians, Obama (our Nobel Prize winning hit-man-in-chief), went four years without doing anything to reduce gun violence, and he just got through running an entire presidential campaign without mentioning it, but having discovered last week that guns are dangerous, he gave Joe Biden (his vice-president) until next month to come up with proposed gun control laws along with suggestions about how to curb the “culture of violence” in America (he’s talking music, movies and video games here, not the actual wars, assassinations, imprisonments, and bombings that he himself supports). When he was asked why it wasn’t until last week that he started supporting about gun laws, he said he had been too busy trying to save the economy. What I would like to know is when he finished with that? 

Even numerous Republicans have reversed their belief that patriotic Americans should be able to own any weapon short of a ballistic missile (a few months ago, one such Republican ran a campaign ad in which he was shown firing bullets into environmental regulations). What do these politicians know now that they didn’t know when they got out of bed last Friday? That 8,500 Americans are shot dead on their own soil each year? No, they knew that. The only additional information they have is that the political breeze has become a major storm, and that their careers are dependent upon blowing with it. 

I copied the following from the Bushmaster site (the gun used in Connecticut was a Bushmaster) because it uses the common American view that real men love guns as a marketing toolThe text refers to a promotion in which men who bought the kind of gun used in the Connecticut shooting automatically received permanent "man cards."

Proof of Your Manhood – The Man Card ... Do you have what it takes?

Windham, ME – Inspired by the overwhelming response to Bushmaster’s “Consider Your Man Card Reissued” sweepstakes, Bushmaster Firearms announces the latest part in the series; the Man Card online promotion.

To become a card-carrying man, visitors of will have to prove they’re a man by answering a series of manhood questions. Upon successful completion, they will be issued a temporary Man Card to proudly display to friends and family. The Man Card is valid for one year.

Visitors can also call into question or even revoke the Man Card of friends they feel have betrayed their manhood. The man in question will then have to defend himself, and their Man Card, by answering a series of questions geared towards proving indeed, they are worthy of retaining their card.

The company is now up for sale, and many of its internal links (including the one for Man Cards) no longer work. Maybe the idea just isn’t all that funny anymore. When I last posted, I wrote of the hell that I saw in the eyes of the woman whose photograph I included. Now, Ive been sitting here looking into the hell that I see in the shooters eyes, and some of my rage toward him has been replaced by pity. There is a deep sickness eating away at the heart of my country, and I wish I could believe that it can be healed, but when the very man who has called for an end to Americas culture of violence kills causes people to die violently everyday, where is there reason to hope?


All Consuming said...

“Should I put them on my blog?” “NO!” she answered." - I bet. But I'm impressed that you did. I laughed at some of them too. It's interesting to think about how long after a tragedy of any kind a joke on the subject can be deemed funny or if it can be funny at all. Should you feel guilty about laughing? Any laugh is one I'm grateful for here. “When I get mad, I turn from tears to humor. “ - When I get tears of any kind at all I turn to humour. It's my default and the only reason I am truly here in retrospect.

The Elephant's Child said...

I'm with All Consuming. It is my black sense of humour which keeps me sane(ish). I try not to laugh at individuals (politicians mostly excepted) but anything else...

ellen abbott said...

Not funny. Not really jokes. More like fables. They were very good fables.

Stephen Hayes said...

Wow--you really know how to live on the edge. I admire your courage for trying to squeeze humor out of such dicey material.

The Bipolar Diva said...

Knock fav

Snowbrush said...

For you five, I should say that I just added a paragraph to the end of this post.

I usually work for days on a post, but when I write something current events related, I don't feel that I have time to give it my best, and this causes me considerable stress and unhappiness. I was just thinking that, if my struggle to make the world even a tiny bit better (by encouraging depth of thought and feeling in my small readership) affects me this deeply, how much harder must it be for someone like Obama whose actions not only can but will make a tremendous difference, whether for good or for evil. This thought enabled me to feel at least a little compassion for him. Four years ago next month, he entered the presidency with an air of optimism and self-confidence. Now, he looks, to me, like it's all he can do to survive the crushing weight of the burdens that are upon him.

PhilipH said...

Peggy was right. Not because your jokes were poor (which, to me, they were) but one (the Knock Knock one) was poorly researched!
Quakers are QUIET people. You know that, Snowy, as well as I do.
Therefore, the weapon used by this woman would have been equipped with a SILENCER.
You must try harder - and don't give up your day job. ;-}

rhymeswithplague said...

none for me, thanks.

Charles Gramlich said...

seeing as there is a clear edge of anger in many of your "jokes" I think they were certainly appropriate. I can't even tell a joke, much less write one.

Tom Sightings said...

I share your cynicism about media and politics. But about the jokes? I agree with Peggy.

lotta joy said...

You printed the jokes, when will you print the punchlines? (Sorry. I couldn't help myself)

I find it strange that the leader of the country - while calling for the removal of guns - is surrounded by them, as well as his children.

(But in that case, they are called "protection".)

Snowbrush said...

"Joe, on the other hand, says he doesn't think that - as an athiest - I should BE at the altar. His statement felt like an insult..."

I would feel insulted too, not because he intended to insult me (which he clearly didn't), but because the fact that he holds such a view would lead me to view him as being tribalistic at the core even though he talks about the love of Christ for all people. You compare his attitude to segregated water fountains; I imagine his view of Christianity as that of an exclusive club that has an inner chamber and an antechamber with you being told that you have to stay in the antechamber while he and the other people who share the Methodist definition of God AS THE ONLY VALID DEFINITION are hanging out together in the inner chamber. On the one hand, all Christians say they love all people and want to reach out to them with the hand of friendship, while on the other, most Christians tell everyone who doesn't subscribe to their partisan interpretation of Jesus that they are unworthy to sit at the "Lord's table."

"It seems to me that you are picking at a scab. Or, to offer a different mind/picture: You stuck your finger in the flame once and realized it burned you. Now that you're older, you're sticking your finger repeatedly into the flame to see if you can find a new meaning to it."

You came up with two darn good metaphors here, but there's more to it than that. I've been meaning to list all the reasons for going to this church that I can think of because there are some that I didn't know about when I made my list a few months ago. Simply by going, I an learning more about WHY I am going. You are concerned about the impact that this church has on me, whereas I am beginning to be just as concerned about my impact on it. When people are as open to me as these people have been, I feel honor-bound to reward their implied vulnerability. It's not just about belief anymore; it's about making relationships work for everyone involved.

Snowbrush said...

"Quakers are QUIET people. You know that, Snowy, as well as I do."

Yeah, they drive me nuts. Do you know how long it takes to get anything done by consensus? You've got to have a lot more patience than I do to be a Quaker, yet I do admire them for their dedication to move everyone along together as opposed to the majority leaving the minority in its dust. I wonder, though, what if the issue at hand is something that some people consider urgent (like gay rights) that might NEVER be resolved by consensus.