I think my cat is defective


Brewsky will sometimes stare right into my eyes for minutes on end. I’ll stare back for awhile, grateful for the attention, wondering what he’s thinking, and admiring his beauty, but will turn away in disgust when I realize that Im continuing to stare beyond the point of enjoying it because I think he should be the one to look away first. My attempt to out-macho a neutered housecat who doesn’t know he’s being out-machoed makes me think I might be neurotic, and I blame him for making me think I’m neurotic when he knows I’m not.

When I scold Brewsky, he bites Peggy if she’s home. If she’s not home, he waits for her to come home, and then he bites her. He doesn’t dare bite me so, the dog being dead, he turns to the only target left, the one that can’t chastise him without worrying about hurting his feelings.

Since Bonnie died (a week ago, almost to the minute), Brewsky has wanted a lot of attention. I don’t know why since he wasn’t close to Bonnie, who disliked all four-legged creatures, and whose blindness made her fearful of Brewsky because she was forever stumbling into him as he lay stretched-out in the middle of the floor, making it necessary for him to slap her face. Maybe he thinks we murdered her, and he’s turning into a suck-up so we won’t murder him.

I don’t know why he likes to watch me dance, but he’s really into it, and I always wonder, “What are you thinking that you watch me so studiously?” Maybe he’s wondering, “What are you thinking that you dance so peculiarly?”

Sometimes at night for no apparent reason, he starts yowling and racing through the house at full speed, sometimes running over the tops of the furniture. When he does that, I say, “If I had lived during the Bubonic Plague, I too might have thrown your kind on a bonfire because your behavior is mighty suspicious.”

Most of the time, he sits around looking like the deity of dignity, but as soon as he gets hungry, or imagines that a treat might be forthcoming, or thinks it’s high time for a meal; he becomes a beggar. I ask, “Where’s your pride, man?” but he just begs louder.

I thought cats were supposed to be dainty eaters, but Brewsky eats like a German Shepherd who’s afraid that someone might take his food away (not that he would fight for it if they did). It’s disgusting. He gets three squares a day, frequent treats, and a midnight snack, yet he wants more.

If I hide a treat, and he doesn’t know where it is, he will go right to it if I point. Maybe some dogs can learn to do that, but I haven’t had any luck teaching them. When this usually poker-faced creature who sleeps all day does something smart, I find myself wondering how smart he really is. I mean, what does he know that I don’t? Contemplating this gives me the willies, and I blame him for it.

Brewsky doesn’t just come when he’s called; he runs so hard that it sounds like a stampede. He can be asleep at the other end of the house, but as soon as I call him, he starts running. Give a cat some cheese or canned meat every time you say his name, and that’s what you get.

I thought cats were delicate creatures who hated a firm touch, but I’ve never massaged a dog more firmly than I massage this cat, and he loves it. The only trouble is that he only loves it when he’s on the floor, it being distasteful to him to be rubbed in any location that’s convenient for me.

Brewsky is my first 21st century pet (circa 2010), and this makes him seem newfangled on one level, yet he still looks and acts like cats that I knew in the 1950s, and this makes me wonder if the pound let him go for half price because he’s a beta version. Maybe the newer versions come with a remote.

17 comments:

Stephen Hayes said...

Brewsky sounds like a handful. I don't think it's possible to know what cats are thinking, unlike dogs who are so straightforward. I hope you're having a great weekend.

Linda said...

Hilarious! Do you ponder cats often?

Rob-bear said...

Interesting character, is Brewsky. But it seems you have had him for too long to be able to take him back for refund or exchange. Even if he is beta. In other words, you and Brewsky are stuck with each other.

Despite your protestations, I think you love the guy. Whereas he tolerates you as his senior staff person. (Dogs have owners; cats have staff; learn your place, Human.)

Peace and joy, Snow.

Elephant's Child said...

Perhaps Brewsky is related to Jazz. Jazz bites me for sins I do not understand. He doesn't bite my partner. He enters mad mode and thunders up and down the house (often in the small hours). And he is not a tidy or quiet eater. He also likes power pats.
Cats are a rule unto themselves. Always. Which gives them a lot of charm. Or I think so anyway.

The Blog Fodder said...

A wonderful personality, your Brewsky. I love how when you yell at him, he bites your wife. Too funny.

PhilipH said...

A most intriguing tale Snowy.

An eerie feeling about it, sort of Edgar Allen Poe-ish. Something of the occult.

Why is it that this feline creature acts the way he does?

Strange ... very mysterious.

Mim said...

each cat is unique. Dogs seem to have general groupings of behavior and are wonderful despite their predicability but cats....nah - they are all unique.

CreekHiker / HollysFolly said...

I am terrified of biting cats! I can't believe Peggy puts up with it!

But I'm glad you have him...

Joe Pereira said...

Defective? No. Not Brewsky. Adorable? Yes. Lovely post Snow :)

Lee Johnson said...

I'm surprised that Brewsky understands pointing. Just last year I read a science article that described pointing as a complex spacial problem and said that dogs were one of the few animals that could understand it.

By the way, you can upgrade your beta cat to support a remote as well. It's called a laser pointer. I can lend you one.

Zoe said...

I think my dog is a cat. He is very feline in his nature if what you describe (although atypical) is true. He will only bite me and will wait to do so if he is ticked at someone else. He is pretty aloof as well which does not sound like a brewsky trait.

ellen abbott said...

My cat likes to sit just out of easy reach for me to pet her. just far enough to show who's in control here.

possum said...

I do believe you just described our Rascal - also called The Rat! He doesnot bite except in play, but he gets pooped off - and leaves a deposite in front of my toilet upon occasion.
Right now he is a very sick kitty. A little bite or poop would be welcome. Funny how things change when facing the end of the road.

Joe Todd said...

No pets at my house..just Teddy Bears.. They don't eat much LOL Hope you have a great week Snow

Robin said...

Ah, Brewsky! I love when you post about him.... he IS a real beauty - and...he is really smart!
(After all, he has charmed you, dear Snow!) I know you are missing Bonnie Blue...but Brewsky - well, he's one exceptional cat and is obviously thriving on being you and Peggy's cat!

Love to all,

♥ Robin ♥

All Consuming said...

"I don’t know why he likes to watch me dance, but he’s really into it" - post a video of the dancing please.

Snowbrush said...

" post a video of the dancing please."

It's too personal for that, being, as it is, something special between the two of us; me the erotic dancer, and him the dirty young man.