Please wire money

Have I mentioned that Brewsky is the brains behind this blog? That’s right, he’s the dirty little drugged-out, lazy-ass, nihilistic, philandering atheist dip-shit who is an affront to all that is decent, whereas Peggy and I are perfectly delightful people who faithfully attend—and give generously to—The Church of the Holy Bejesus of the Misconception, Mississippi Synod. My sole contribution to this blog is to type what Brewsky tells me, and he only needs me for that because he hasn’t been able to locate a keyboard for cats. If he ever does, he says he will run his own affairs via the Internet and have us declared incompetent so he can take control of our money (if you want loyalty, get a dog).
However, I’m writing this post to ask for your help because Brewsky is in the hospital. We took him to the Pussy Galore Emergency Medical Facility and Sanitarium at 4:00 this morning when he sneezed slightly. His first vet demonstrated complete incompetence by asking about his other symptoms. “He sneezed!” Peggy screamed. “Would you ask an unmarried pregnant teenager who had been cut in three pieces by a train what her other symptoms were?! For God’s sakes, either save our cat or get somebody who can!” Let me tell you, that vet disappeared out of the room so fast you would have thought that she was being spanked with a veterinary board. Her last words were, “Don’t go nowhere; I’m sending in the clinic’s MMTB specialist.”  

We had no idea what she was talking about, but we really liked the next vet all the same. His name was Dr. Pander (one of the techs said that his parents named him after a Liechtensteinian Polar Bear), and he got right down to business by running a credit check and a discovery of assets. When they came back satisfactory, he started an IV, ordered a gazillion x-rays, a half-dozen blood-tests, three stool cultures, two MRIs, a CAT Scan (ha), a bariatric enema, and a couple of other tests that we had never heard of, a ScrLk and a PrtScn. Once he saw the results, he shook his head sadly and said that Brewsky had ACD (Advanced Cannabinoid Dementia) from second-hand smoke and would need a four-month hospitalization in ICU followed by a year of outpatient therapy.

We were desperate to know what Brewsky’s chances were, and were comforted when the doctor assured us that if we had the money to spend, he was 200% certain that he could save our cat. Now, we just have to raise $23,999.99 for a down payment on Brewsky’s treatment, and that’s where you come in. Please don’t make us beg because the moneys not for us; it’s for him. Otherwise, we would be glad to beg because that’s just the kind of people we are.


lotta joy said...

I wish he ran a credit check on you. You could have paid him in weed.

Snowbrush said...

"I wish he ran a credit check on you."

What you talking about girl? He did run a credit check--and a discovery of assets. What'd you think, that he ran 'em on Brewsky? This weren't no dumb veterinarian.

"You could have paid him in weed."

That reminds me of the motto that my former brother-in-law lived by: "Dope will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no dope."

CreekHiker / HollysFolly said...

I don't know if this is April Fools or if Brewsky is sick. I hope it's the former!

Sorry, I'm a nervous wreck with Mabel going in for surgery tomorrow!

angela said...

Ill organise the telethon here in oz. I hope kitty gets better real soon. Please tell me its nothing serious.

Snowbrush said...

"I'm a nervous wreck with Mabel going in for surgery tomorrow!"

Lucky Mabel to not know what awaits her. Unlucky you to know what does. I'm so sorry.

"Please tell me its nothing serious."

All I know is that he hasn't sneezed again, and it wasn't much of a sneeze anyway.

rhymeswithplague said...

A cat sneezing is not a medical emergency. A cat pooping little green and purple pellets that look like jelly beans and smell like Gorgonzola cheese, now that's a medical emergency.

I'd stay away from the veterinary charlatans in your neighborhood if I were you. Better you and the missus should sign yourselves up for the new quarterly elective Cat Anxiety Therapy (CAT), also known as Watch The Feline (WTF), on Wednesday nights at the church.

All Consuming said...

You are one sick puppy...or maybe that shuld be kitten eh? Hahaha. I hope you wake up with Brewsky sat on your face and he has a good old sneeze right then. But feels better all the same.

All Consuming said...

"You could have paid him in weed. " - Hahahaha, you should put all your blogger friends on the stage for a benefit, we are as funny as fuck. Pardon my French.

Bruno Laliberté said...

"Fuck. Pardon my French."
The F-word is not French.
I should know...

If I brought my cat to the vet everytime my eldest cat sneezed,
I'd have to rent a room there.
My smoking, electrical heating during winter, her own hair, and I suspect, even the litter itself (that's why I switched from sandy to grainy; many things contribute to this.

But I suspect all of this to be an April Fools prank...

But if the cat needs a witness to have you declare incompetent and take over your fortune, I'm game for it, as long as we split half and half. I don't do pot, but I could learn... Pretty sure the cat knows where the stash is!!!

Helen said...

It is shortly after 6pm ... I have almost finished my J & B on the rocks, with a twist of lime (yep, lime) .. which makes your post even funnier if that's possible! Tell me where to send my contribution. I'm in all the way .........

lotta joy said...

For the lack of one word, you go all ballistic on me.

"I wish he ran a credit check on you."

Should have read: "I wish he HADN'T ran a credit check on you."


Elephant's Child said...

So how many comments will the Brewsky (poor, sick Brewsky) post elicit?

And our vet needs to run those assets checks too. They charge more than doctors or dentists here.

He is a beautiful and very contented looking cat though. And I love Peggy taking on the vet on his behalf.

The Tusk said...

Do you take PayPal, how do I send it, why is no one taking this seriously, .well I take pride in being your first friend to offer real financial support.

Mim said...

poor little Brewsky - he's just trying to stay sane in a crazy world.

Charles Gramlich said...

Rest assured, a check is in the mail!

Robin said...

Dear Sweet *Innocent, Angelic* Brewsky, how I laughed when I read YOUR post... because, after all, I know it to be TRUE! Sending a check for 1 billion immediately!


♥ Robin ♥

p.s. Tell your *Dad* we are all (well, most of us) on to his humour! A-ha-ha!

Snowbrush said...

"Pretty sure the cat knows where the stash is!!!"

He knows where the food is, but that's because the food interests him. Maybe he smokes it for all I know.

"A cat pooping little green and purple pellets that look like jelly beans and smell like Gorgonzola cheese, now that's a medical emergency."

Sounds so tasty that I lose all motivation to take the cat to the vet.

"For the lack of one word, you go all ballistic on me."

You say that like I was unreasonable. When a woman--yourself, let's say--goes year-in and year-out without ever making a mistake, and then makes one, it's a BIG deal that strongly suggests dementia (though not cannabinoid dementia in your case).

"Sending a check for 1 billion immediately!"

You and Charles. You're making a sweet and trusting young man--me--into a jaded and wizened young man.

"But I suspect all of this to be an April Fools prank... "

NEVER! I am this way ALL year.

"Rest assured, a check is in the mail!" don't have my address.

"Do you take PayPal, how do I send it, why is no one taking this seriously"

Finally, a sensible question. YES, I take Paypal.

"Tell me where to send my contribution. I'm in all the way"

Paypal works, but you can also send in ICO Brewsky at the Pussy Galore facility.

I know I didn't get to quite all the responses, but who would have thought there would be so many!

stephen Hayes said...

A fun tongue-in-cheek post. Our son recently had to put his cat/friend of eight years down. Charlie had cancer and our boy had already spent a thousand dollars trying to make him well.

yoborobo said...

Please tell Brewsky that he can have the dollar I keep in my truck for just such occasions. That and one Forever stamp to send it to him. He hasn't been calling our cat, has he? I swear I heard Luna sneeze just now.

PhilipH said...

What a catastrophe. A cataclysm.

Joe Pereira said...

Poor old Brewsky was unfortunate to fall ill on April Fool's Day - now no one will believe him. Try him on a special diet of CATfish with CATsup like the CATholics on fridays - I tried it on my CAT T-Bone and can CATegorically vouch for its effectiveness - failing that, try the CATkins Diet...all good remedies for the sniffles

Zuzana said...

Poor cat, that is some expensive bill.;) Maybe I will have my cat writing a similar post for me - we need money to pay back on our tax return and to handle two mortgages.;)
Have a great weekend :)